BloggingDangerously

Crying (Out)

Saturday night my husband and I had an argument.  It wasn't a full blown fight but more of an epic disagreement.

He rolled over and went to sleep - but I couldn't sleep.  I lay there for hours and then finally got up and grabbed Siri from the dresser.  I must have cried out because my husband stirred and asked me if I was okay. "Yeah." I whispered, trying to control my breathing.

In the morning he rolled toward me and we made up the old fashioned way.  Mid-stream I reached under my pillow and grabbed Siri.  "What's she doing there?" he asked.

I told him that she helped me fall asleep the night before.

"I thought you were CRYING." he said.

I laughed and told him, "I don't cry."

 

UMA: A Review

A few weeks ago, my besties at Eden Fantasys asked me if I would be interested in trying out the new UMA vibe by Je Joue and I thought, "Meh, I have A LOT of vibrators.  Maybe not."

And then I thought, "Wait, what? DUH." and I replied to them saying, "YES PLEASE!"

Aside: Recently a friend asked me what method/vessel I use for securing my vibrators from the prying eyes of children and while I had FABULOUS ideas for her, the truth is that at the time I was just keeping them in the top drawer of my chesser. (It's a dresser that's as tall as a chest and uber cool.)

Of course, I also keep some costume jewelry in the same chesser drawer and my rapidly growing daughter has seen me reach into that drawer and pull out jewels so less than 24 hours after my friend asked me how I secure my "unmentionables" I was slamming the chesser drawer on my daughter's fingers and stammering at her to go brush her teeth, stay away from my jewelry and when the HECK did you get so tall darnit?

So the next day I went to TJMaxx and bought one of those pretty photo boxes, culled the vibrator supply and moved them to the top of my closet.

Except, y'all I am not super tall so I kept a small one in the chesser, hidden in a box.  I wish I could tell you that it was Carmen Electra because she is my only love, but the truth is that it wasn't.  You see, her batteries died and I have been too lazy to go downstairs and replace them because Siri, while a little larger than I would like, is rechargeable and apparently I'm lazier than I am picky.

Note to husband.

But I digress...

So Eden Fantasys sent me Uma.

Which reminds me of ANOTHER tangent... My same friend who asked about "where do I hide my vibrators" also told me that when she first started purchasing phallic shaped appliances she was careful never to buy one with more girth than her husband out of loyalty.

What do you think about that?

Back to Uma...

This is Uma...

Isn't she pretty?

I have to admit - I'm really not much for penetration with a vibrator.  My husband is pretty good at his job and when he's not around I don't have the dexterity to keep all that action going and orgasm at the same time but my husband has been enjoying the experimentation lately so I was all for trying it.  I figure anything that inspires him has got to be good for me too.

And I was right.

UMA has the coolest charger (yep, another rechargeable!) it just magnetically attaches to her so there's nothing to actually "Plug in."

(Can someone please tell me why I think that all vibrators are female?)

It charges VERY FAST (which is good, because my husband was in NO MOOD to wait!)

The surface is very smooth and completely seamless.

The buttons are simple to operate and the vibrator glows while you're using it so you can see the buttons.

I let my husband "drive" in the beginning which was great to get us both ready.  Then when it was his turn to join the fun we put Uma between us.

His review, "You're whole body vibrated!"

Yeah, it was that good.

Bottom line: If you're looking for a rechargeable vibrator, expect to pay about $100 or more.  At $109.99 Uma is great for penetration and/or external stimulation and she definitely won't have more girth than your husband.  She's a great place to start!

-----

Disclosure:  EdenFantasys.com provided the UMA for my use but the opinions and completely random tangents are mine alone.  I was not paid for this post.

 

 

Siri vs. Siri

As most of you know, this is Siri:

But what you may NOT know, is that this is also Siri:

The first Siri is made by Apple and she is very glamourous but not overly sophisticated.  She will talk to you, but she can't understand you.  For example:

The second Siri is made by Lelo.  She doesn't say much, but what she says is earth shaking.  She really knows how to reach you.

I brought both Siri's to Cincinnati last week.  I left one of them on the Avis counter.  They were both an important part of my trip.

And they're both fully rechargeable - but that's where the similarities end.

Apple's Siri retails for $199, Lelo's for $99.  Apple's siri is cold and hard, Lelo's is soft and warm.

"They both vibrate," you argue?  Well sure, but not when it counts.

If you were stranded on a desert island, which Siri would you choose?

-----

Disclosure: EdenFantasys provided Lelo's Siri for my review - but they didn't make me fall in love with her - Siri did that all by herself.  Seriously, she is so low maintenance compared to my beloved Carmen Electra (whose batteries always seem to die at the most inconvenient times) that I may be forced to start my own reality show, SisterVibes.  Siri is slightly larger than I like in a clitoral vibrator but the vibrations are fully adjustable from a whisper to a roar, there are more vibration rhythms than I can ever imagine needing and her lighted buttons are easy to use - even in the dark. 

She's a definite keeper - now if she could just learn how to play Words With Friends!

 

As God Is My Witness, I Thought Turkeys Could Fly...

I had to go to Cincinnati this week. 

On the plus side, I learned how to spell it.  On the down side, I can't imagine why I would ever need to.

It's not that Cincinnati was bad, it was just sort of boring.  Of course it didn't help that when I arrived it was pouring.  Or that AVIS was out of rental cars.  Or that in my hurry to get to the Hertz counter I left my iphone - full of vibrator tweets - on the AVIS counter. OR that the AVIS bus driver let me off across the street from Hertz and while I was dashing through traffic (and rain) to get inside I stepped in an 8" puddle of rainwater.  Wearing CROCS.

My socks got soaked (and yes I know I just admitted to wearing crocs with socks.  I have no dignity.)

The best part of my trip was the vibrator tweets.  You see, I just got a rechargeable bullet vibe and this was it's virgin trip.

To tell you the truth I was a little nervous about bringing it and almost didn't but a faithful reader reminded me that if I brought it I would have company and if I got busted by TSA I would have a great story. You're welcome.

The truth is that the trip to Cincinnati was fairly uneventful.  I put the vibrator in my briefcase with my mouse, my ipad and a host of other small electronics that you don't have to turn on at security.  But most importantly I was travelling alone which meant that if TSA DID pull me aside I could hiss, "It's a vibrator" and hope that they were more embarassed by me than I would be by them and I could go on my way. (That's my parenting strategy too.)

EXCEPT that while I was waiting in line for security I got an email from a reader in Alabama who told me that she was trying to buy a vibrator but apparently it's ILLEGAL to purchase sex toys in Alabama so no one would ship to her.

Which made me think, "Shit man, are vibrators legal in Kentucky?  What if I can get this thing INTO Nothern KY (no relation) but I can't get it out?"

So I started tweeting begging people to research the legality of sex toys in Cincinnati and Northern Kentucky and who has jurisdiction if you're caught with a vibrator at a TSA checkpoint because wouldn't that be a federal crime?

And there was NO WAY I wanted to go to Leavenworth for a vibrator - even though it is pretty fantastic.

So there were maybe 100 tweets about vibrators and the federal Penal code on my phone when the nice Northern Kentuckian lady found it - which may explain the funny/horrified look she gave me when she handed it back to me.

The rest of my visit to Cincinnati was pretty uneventful except for my first visit to a Cracker Barrel.

And then it was time to come home.

And I was travelling with my boss.

And apparently the TSA tv watcher lady was training someone new.

So I stood there with my boss as the bags went through the scanner... V.E.R.Y. S.L.O.W.L.Y

And then they came to my bad and stopped and spoke for a LONG time.  And all I could picture was them pulling me to the side and pulling it out and me blurting out, "Just throw it away!" 

Anyway, I sat there SWEATING for about 2 minutes wondering what I would do if she pulled the vibrator out in front of my boss - because, SERIOUSLY, what kind of a sex addict can't go away for 24 hours without a VIBRATOR?

Then they sent my bag all the way through and I grabbed it and they made the lady behind me go through the test where they swab the whole bag and I was SO HAPPY because I was literally sweating profusely and thought I was about to be humiliated, arrested and fired in the same minute.

YES, I know what this sort of anxiety attack is called, It's called "GUILTY CONSCIENCE."  Thank you CATHOLIC CHURCH.

Anyway, then I made it home perfectly safe and sound and I was so excited to tell you all this I let my husband go to bed alone so that I could tell you about my vibrator because I'm a moron like that.

THEN, because I was talking about Cincinatti, I wanted to put in a reference to the show WKRP in Cincinatti and I'm sure most of you haven't even seen it but I TOTALLY got sucked into the Thanksgiving episode and I almost peed in my pants because it's so effing funny.

Here you go...

 

Battery Operated Chicken

A month ago we upgraded to the new iPhone 4s and turned our old 3G's into "Touches" for the kids.  They're pretty much only allowed to use them on the weekends and last night my 8yo grabbed one and headed to his room.

He doesn't usually hang out in his room (we sort of discourage them from hanging out upstairs because they mainly get into stuff they shouldn't.)

Like YouTube "Teen Man Boobs."

Let me tell you, my husband was all prepared to go around beating his own chest and grunting "Men make men." when he realized my son was YouTubing something he shouldn't.

Until he saw the search bar.

When I heard the ensuing conversation, "We know you're curious but you need to ask us first - not go to the internet - we need to be able to trust you, yada yada." I have to admit, I thought it was porn.

After my husband told me,  I "Ew"d appropriately and then immediately turned to the internet.  "How do you parental control lock your iphone?" I asked Twitter.

They threw their hands up too.

It was dinnertime so I thought no more about it.

After the kids were in be I googled, "Parental control apps for iphone."

Directions popped up.  (Go to Settings, Restrictions and then set the controls.) I followed them.

The safari icon disappeared from my phone.  I went back in, I unlocked Safari.

Then I googled "XXX" to see if the ratings settings I applied blocked internet material.

It didn't - so I spent the next half hour watching porn.

Then I crawled into bed with my husband ready to perform porn star tricks but he was uncooperatively asleep and despite several loud coughs, sneezes and turning the light on "by mistake" he was not inclined to participate.

In fact, I only succeeded in irritating him enough that when I asked, "Well, would Carmen and I disturb you?" He "ARGHed" and said, "GO TO SLEEP." so I felt bad and went to sleep.

But - admit it - you love me because I am UNDAUNTED.

In the morning he got up to go to the bathroom and I hijacked him on his way past my side of the bed.  He started to get into it, remembered his original mission and said, "I'll be right back."

Either I really was ready for a marthon session or he was thinking about it the whole time he was in there because when he came back to bed he was primed and ready.

I moaned, I groaned - Frankly I put on a porn star performance.

Which may have been the wrong route to take because he's not used to that and 45 seconds later it was over.

"MORE!" I commanded, "I'm not done."

He laughed.  "I'm no spring chicken." he said.

"Well then thankfully they make battery operated chickens." I told him, reaching for my nightstand...