BloggingDangerously

This is Why He Can't Have Nice Things

My husband occassionally complains that he doesn't get more head.

At these times I remind him that somewhere around his 37th birthday he went from being a super sex machine to being a one-a-day guy.  AND then I argue that if I am able to choose the way in which he spends his one, I am not going to choose the way that least benefits me.

At which point he nods reluctantly and grumbles about how there's no reason we couldn't START that way.

So Saturday night, after my half marathon was cancelled, I found myself with some extra time on my hands.

We started the way he wanted but after a few minutes it became clear that he was perfectly willing to let things continue this way indefinitely.  So I reminded him sweetly, "if it ends this way, it's your last.one.ever."

"Ok, ok" he said.  We transitioned to something more mutually beneficial.

But about 30 seconds in he warned me, "I'm already there."

So I told him, "THIS IS WHY YOU CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS!"

Luckily his laughter slowed things down enough that I managed to catch up and pass him.

 

Marriage is a Sacrifice

The husband and I have been very amorous lately.  There was a time last week where we did it were intimate 5 times in 3 days.

Then we hit a slow patch.  Yesterday, however, I encouraged my husband at about 3pm. 

I'm not usually much for daytime sex - the kids are around on the weekends and during the week I typically have work to do - but I was inspired.

It was 45 minutes before the kids were due home from their first day back at school and the high school bus had just driven by.

Inspired by the emptiness of the house after having the kids home for SIXTEEN days I'm afraid the high school children walking by may have heard some, um, loud noises from my house.  With any luck, they now think the house is haunted.

I was supposed to head to Baltimore last night but my flight was cancelled.  My husband had promised to go to bed at 10pm in my absense - he says I keep him up.  I say, "You're welcome!"

I crawled into bed around 11, he came in a few minutes later.  I tried to put the moves on him - he gave me the Heisman.

By way of apology he said, "You know I'm not much for nighttime sex."

I said, "But Marriage is a sacrifice."

He answered, "and you sacrificed this afternoon?"

"Yes," I answered seriously, "At least three times."

Just. Like. That.

Last night I was out late and when I finally got home at about 11 my husband was still awake.  I was surprised because he had slept in that day until 9 because he was so tired so I expected him to crash as soon as the kids were asleep.

I still had some work to do (and a blog post to write) but I stopped to give him a kiss as I went up to my office.  His eyes glazed over and he looked at me the way they did in old cartoons when they got stranded on a deserted island, you know, in a way that says, "PORKCHOP."

"What?" I said.

"I've been waiting for you." he told me.

"Ugh." I answered in a way that wasn't probably very flattering but I'd literally JUST gotten my to-do list down to two last things and here was number 3 ready to add himself to the list.

Luckily my husband is not easily offended - or disuaded.

He followed me up the stairs.  

"I need 5 minutes to get my stuff done." I told him.

"If you're not here in 5 minutes, Betty may get me." he told me.

That Betty is a bitch.

Anyway, he brushed his teeth slowly and I wrapped my post up quickly and we rendezvoused in bed.

We took it slow.  We kissed, we nuzzled, we whispered sweet nothings, we giggled.  (Shut up honey, yes you did.)

The foreplay was fun.  He touched me just right.  SO right in fact that I whispered, "JUST.LIKE.THAT."

At which point his male brain kicked in and thought, "WOW! If she likes that GENTLE RUBBING, she will SURELY LOVE my jackhammer approach!" and he did what could be accurately described as JUST.THE.OPPOSITE.OF.LIKE.THAT.

So I said, "Why do you ALWAYS change what you're doing the minute I tell you it's good!?!?!"

"I DONT KNOW!" he answered.

Don't panic.  We got past it.

A few minutes later, things had progressed.

We were in the throes of passion and it was GOOD.  It was better than good.  It was AMAZING.

I wanted to let him know how much I was enjoying myself but instead I whispered, "Now I'm afraid to say Just.Like.That."

Of course we immediately convulsed with laughter and stopped what we were doing completely.

But you've known us long enough to know that we are professionals.

Eventually we recoved and finished JUST.LIKE.THAT.

And Sometimes You Don't...

It's 2pm on Tuesday and work is stressful as can be. I've been chasing a contract down all morning IMing this person and then that one while my boss checks in every 5 minutes as if her head is on fire.

So yeah, GREAT DAY!

Finally I got everything together and sent it to my customer and it was like that moment post-coital where the adrenaline is gone but the endorphins are raging and all you can think is, "GOD I NEED A CIGARETTE."

But I don't smoke so I ran down to the kitchen to grab a snack and my husband chose that moment to make a pass at me.

I looked at him uncomprehending for a bit and then said, "I CANNOT EVEN WITH WHAT YOU ARE SAYING."

Because I'm eloquent like that.

He walked quietly toward me, came up behind me and kissed me on the neck.

"JUST. NO." I told him.

"Come on," he said, "let me get you in the mood." and from behind me he reached up to cup my breast.

So I elbowed him as hard as I could in the solar plexis.

When he could breathe again he said, "What'd you do that for?"

"I thought I was pretty clear that I wasn't in the mood." I told him.

"That's because you didn't let me try!" he argued.

"Do you want to try again?" I offered, showing him my elbow.

"No." he said, rubbing his chest.

The Art of Seduction...

I'm one of those people who can't relax until everything is done.

Yes, I realize that this - combined with my four children and full time job - is why I never sit down.

I'm not gonna lie - this also impacts my ability to enjoy my husband on occasion.

Now let's be fair - I work from home and my children are in school full time - so my husband has more than the usual number of chances to offer a quickie.  And now that the kids are out of the house he has a lot more free time on his hands.

So I refuse to accept full responsibility for the number of "Go Aways" he gets during the hours of noon - 4pm.

Just like he refuses to accept full responsibility for the number that I get during the hours of midnight to 4am. (What can I say, getting all of my work done is a turn on for me.)

Sometimes, however, the stars align and we're on the same page.

On Friday I had a client who was driving me INSANE and a 6 minute break was just what the doctor ordered.

My husband, not knowing this, walked into my office and gave me a kiss on the neck.  He does this about 10 times a day and I love it.  Even when I'm on the phone and forget I'm not on mute and moan.  Oops.

On Friday, however, I wasn't on the phone - and I needed a break.  I turned and kissed him back.

He looked at me, "what?" he asked.

"What?" I asked getting up from my office chair and walking toward our bedroom.

"Really?" he asked.

"Why not?" I answered.  "You have some free time.  I have some free time.  You have an outie.  I have an innie..."

And judging by the next 6 minutes, Cyrano never said such magic words...