BloggingDangerously

Dear Mr. Mazda Miata,

Thanks for cutting me off today on the highway. 

You looked really cool driving that fast car with the top down.  In fact, I'd like to get to know you better.  Can I ask you a couple of questions?

How was your 50th Birthday party?

How is your divorce going?

When the salesguy at the dealership told you that the car made you look like Shaquille O'Neal did you think he meant 'rich' or did you think he meant 'bald and way too big for that tiny car?'

Wasn't your head cold driving around in 30 degree weather with the top down?  You looked like one of those teenagers who wear shorts to school in January. You know, REALLY COOL.

Last question: What were you thinking?  Did your ex-wife get the Jeep Grand Cherokee in the divorce?  You cut off a 2010 Toyota Corola.  I have No brakes, messed up steering and over-zealous acceleration. 

Love,

Kit

Dear I.R.S.

I'm sure you're busy this time of year, what with all of the SCREWING PEOPLE and stuff so I'll keep this short.  You see, I have a quick tax question.  Here goes.

Yesterday I was working in my home office while the kids were at school and my husband walked in.

"Hey." he said with a flip of his head that could mean only one thing.

"What are you doing?" I asked him.

"Thinking of you?" he asked with a wink.

We then enjoyed some "marital relations."

When it was over I said to him, "The nice thing about working at home is that I got paid for that."

Which brings me to my question:

Since I was technically on the clock AND being paid during these relations do I have to add PROSTITUTE to my OCCUPATION?  Also, can I deduct my bedroom AND my home office?  Finally, can I deduct the money I spent on KY and condoms (because this REALLY adds up)?

Thank you for your prompt response.

Love,

Kit

An Open Letter to Penises

NOTE: In light of recent events, the following is a Public Service Announcement.

Dear Penises:

I would like to start by saying that it's not your fault.  God made you to be unadulterated whores for the purpose of spraying the infield and going forth and multiplying and all that.  You are just doing what you were born to do.  I completely understand.

TOUGH SHIT.

It's a new era and your time has passed.  Birth control has eradicated your effectiveness and DNA testing means that there's no more skipping out on the check. The party is OVER.

At this point the only thing that sleeping around can do is eliminate your chances of convincing even ONE woman to bear your children.

So please take this moment to have a GOOD LONG look through your ONE EYE at the woman beside you.  If this woman is NOT your wife, I encourage you to get up, get dressed and take yourself home where you belong.  Flee, flee!

When you get home, you should (erase all incriminating evidence and) stand up and salute the God who made you for letting you get this far without contracting some rancid disease that would cause you to swell, turn green and fall off.

Additionally you should salute him for having let you behave like a jungle monkey and survive, thus far, undetected and unscathed.  Remember it is a short walk from where you are right now, on top of the world, to the ASSHOLE you truly are.  About 3/4 of an inch.

Love,

Kit

Dear Mr. Life Insurance Guy,

Thanks for taking the time today to do my ANNUAL LIFE INSURANCE review.  I really appreciate it because I know it takes time out of your busy day and you are only doing it for my good and NOT TO SELL ME MORE STUFF.

By the way, please forward the PROPOSAL FOR MORE STUFF over to me tomorrow. 

Anyway, I have to confess that I was a little down when we hung up.

I turned to my husband and said, "How can I do any work now when I know I'm going to DIE?!?"

"What?!?" he asked.

"Don't sound so surprised," I told him. "You're going to die too."

"And when you do," I added, rubbing my fingers together Montgomery Burns style, "They're going to give me MONEY. And EVEN MORE MONEY if it looks like an accident."

Then I asked him to take my TOYOTA COROLLA to the car wash, the one at the end of Roller Coaster Rd.

Love,

Kit

Dear Neighbor,

Did you seriously just wave at me?

Really? After you walked your dog ALL THE WAY OVER TO MY HOUSE JUST TO CRAP ON MY LAWN?

Oh, did you think I didn't see you?  Did you think I haven't noticed that there's dog crap all over my lawn?  Do you think I didn't mind? 

I have FOUR children.  Dog crap on my lawn = Dog crap all over my house.

But I don't want to be cranky about it.  It wouldn't be neighborly.

By the way, my daughter will be potty training any day now.  If you notice us taking long walks in your front yard, don't forget to wave.

Love,

Kit