BloggingDangerously

Top Ten Naughty Christmas Presents...

If this is your idea of a Naughty Stocking Stuffer, you've come to the right place... 

Christmas is getting close and you're probably starting to panic about what to get that special someone in your life. 

Never fear, I'm here to help - with some gift ideas that are sure to please - AND earn you a special THANK YOU!

10. Marvin Gaye - If he can be this romantic in a track suit unzipped to his navel, you should really be able to get it on with this playing in the background!

9. An Electric blanket with dual controls will warm up your bed so that no one wants to keep their clothes on...

8. Siri - the OTHER personal assistant...

7. Reduce their stress (and inhibitions) with a glass of wine.  This WINE OPENER is sure to please - and the distinctive shape may have their thoughts wandering...

6. Zestra - this feminine arousal oil is sure to get her motor running - and take you along for the ride!

5. Lingerie - Only one of you can wear it, but both of you can enjoy it - at least until it's crumpled on the floor!

4. Home Alone - This Christmas Classic is sure to keep kids of all ages entertained for 103 minutes - giving the two of you plenty of time to pretend that you actually are home alone...

3. A Polaroid Camera - for taking naughty photos...

2. Who doesn't love a massage?  This sexy massage oil will have them begging for your loving hands!

and finally...

1. THE SNUGGIE SUTRA - Turn that unwanted Snuggie into the best Christmas gift ever with this guide to romance under fleece...

To WIN your own copy of THE SNUGGIE SUTRA, click the link below to like this post on Facebook or leave your own suggestion for "naughty" gifts in the comments...

Happy Shopping!

Love,

Kit

Apparently I am a Complete Sham

Last week in Miami I faced my fears... and ran away screaming like a girl.

The second night I spent in the city I went to the complimentary #wineparty that the hotel hosts every night from 5-6.  You'll be disappointed to know that I wore a bra AND pants. 

I'm not sure if it was the fact that the party was poorly attended or my overdressed status but I was incredibly self conscious.  It could also have been the fact that I wasn't drinking heavily enough.

That's always a problem.

I love the online #wineparty because if you suddenly find that you're self-conscious or need to take a break, it's perfectly acceptable to go silent for a bit and then reappear, FABULOUS.

At a real wineparty it's hard to hide the fact that you're drinking alone in a roomful of peopel you don't know.  Civilized? I call it barbaric really.

And then my friends showed up and we went to dinner and started pounding saki and things picked up immensely!

Then, to remind me of the poseur I apparently am I went out to dinner with 4 guys that I work with and one of them started talking about the time he went to China and got a massage and things went horribly awry when she wanted to give him a happy ending and all he wanted was a foot massage.

The tipsy guys in the car started talking about "toe-tugs" and I blushed right up to my eyebrows.

Then one of the guys started talking about porn and I started to feel much more at home and then he turned quickly to motor oil and I scarleted all over again.

Which I guess is just my way of telling you all that I am completely at home on my own blog and at my own #wineparty but when I venture out I am, apparently, not as cool as I think.

At least not with a bra on.

Not One Of The Cool Kids

Me (gesturing to the overhead tv and speaking to the girl beside me on the plane): Oh! Is that Mad Men?

Her: No, It's The Office.

Me: You probably think I live under a rock.

She didn't say yes, but she didn't say no either.

Wherein I Get Blown, Lose Power and Buy Diet Coke with Oral Sex: Part II

After my birthday party at the beach we raced home and hunkered down.  (Is hunkering a New England thing or does everyone do it?)

At some point I realized that there was only 1 can of Diet Coke in the house and we were about to be hurricaned in.  The title of this post says it all but I'll rephrase it to say, "My husband generously offered to run to the store for me."

He came home and we sat down to await Irene's Wrath.

To be perfectly honest we weren't overly concerned.  First of all, hurricanes have usually blown themselves out by the time they get to New England and Irene had been downgraded several times by the time we got home Saturday night.

Apparently Irene is an emotional bitch who doesn't like being downgraded.

Because she kicked my ass.

Sunday morning my husband got up with the kids.  This was AWESOME because he'd gotten up the day before too and two days of sleeping in is better than oral sex.

I got up around 10.  I hung out with the kids.   Apparently the power had gone out during the night because I noticed the clocks blinking.  My mom called my cellphone because power loss causes my internet phone service to go offline until it's reset. 

I was still speaking to my mom at around 11 when the lights flickered and the call dropped.  It was strange because I was on my cell phone - apparently whatever made my lights flicker had also tripped the cell phone tower.

My mom called back.  A couple of minutes later the lights went out altogether.

And they've been out ever since.

Seriously - as I write this - under generator power - on Wednesday night - it has been 84 hours that we have not had power - FROM A TROPICAL STORM in NEW ENGLAND - in AUGUST.

So the power went out and the kids were all, "GIVE ME TV" and then they started twitching when they realized it wasn't going to come on - so we threw Iphones and Ipads at them until we realized that it may not come back on and "Holy crap, save that charge for me!"

(Aside: If you get an ipad spring for the 3G because I made the mistake of being all "Mommy" and saying, "No you may not have my ipad" but you can use the iphone" and then they grabbed the iphone and I tried to play Words With Friends on the iPad and it mocked me because "NO WIFI" but the phone - 3G.)

Anyway, DH actually napped on Sunday afternoon - apparently getting up at 8:30 and planning a surprise party was too much for him.  He woke up around 4pm and realizing that we still had no power said, "Hm, I should probably get the generator going."  Y'know because it was still in the box it came in (LAST DECEMBER.)

 So there he is - in a race against time with the generator while the wind is still blowing pretty well.

Note: If you're caught in a hurricane without power and you have a generator - set it up before you nap.

I shouldn't give him such a hard time about the generator because it's saved all of the food we have in the deep freezer in our basement.  I love good meat - but you knew that :) And the freezer is full of steaks. 

After the generator was up and running it was time to tuck the kids into bed.  Needless to say they weren't enthusiastic about going to bed in the pitch dark.  My husband dug out the camping lanterns and we persuaded them to go to sleep.

"The power will be back tomorrow." I said - believing it but, apparently, lying.

I'm not really sure what happened next.  The days have really run into each other. 

We got an email on Tuesday saying that they would start working on the issue today.  GREAT.

We got an email today saying that they would be offering showers at the Middle School tomorrow from 5-8pm.

That bodes ill.

Anyway, that's where we are, sitting here in the dark, stealing generator power to reach out to you and say, "We're fine, I'm really just whining."

I hope all is well with you and yours.

 

Wherein I Skip Rocks, Turn 40 and Buy Diet Coke With Oral Sex (Again) - PART 1

Bear with me.  I'm old now and my memory isn't what it used to me.  I'm also standing in a corner of my kitchen so I can use generator power and my ankles are giving out.  It happens when you get old.

So Saturday was my birthday.  I'll get to that in a moment but let me start by saying that all those people who say that they don't "get" twitter should have seen the amazing birthday wishes that I received from Friday into Saturday from all over the world.  Sure, some of them were just 2 second tweets that said, "Happy Birthday" and I may not have noticed if they hadn't been sent - but I SURE DID NOTICE that they had been sent and it meant the world to me.  So Thank You.

My virtual #Wineparty birthday party was amazingly fun even if I did end up being thrown in Twitter Jail and when I told my husband he said, "Don't get your hopes up."

On Saturday morning my husband got up with the kids and let me sleep in.  It was FABULOUS.  Even more fabulous was the fact that the kids waited to bring me breakfast in bed until they heard me walking around upstairs.  And then, when they DID bring me breakfast in bed? They put a Peanut Butter Granola bar and a Diet Coke on a tray because that's what I eat for breakfast every day.

Hurricane Irene was on her way up the coast but we didn't expect her to hit until after midnight so we were going to make a beach day out of it.  We had to secure the homestead first because we knew we wouldn't want to do it later.  We put the grill into the garage.  We took down the swings.  We took down the hummingbird feeder.  And then I noticed that the ceramic compost jar that we keep in the kitchen was on the deck.  I brought it inside.  It was empty but a little bit dirty.  I left it in the sink and figured I'd get it later.

We went to the beach.  It was gray but only intermittently rainy.  I went on the beach with the kids. (Note: "The kids" means my 4 + my brother's oldest 3 + my sister's 3 = 10)  My sister came out and said that one of our neighbors had told her that there was a sand shark carcass down the beach.  The kids were SO excited to go see it.  We walked down the beach.  It's about a quarter of a mile.  We couldn't find the shark.  We figured the tide must have carried it off.  We started to walk back but decided to have a rock skipping contest.  Mostly we tried to find flat rocks while keeping the kids from whipping the rocks at each other's heads.

We turned to walk back.  My sister challenged me to a rock skipping contest.  The waves were so choppy it was hard to skip anything more than once. 

We walked back toward the house.  I figured that since it was raining I should probably bring some of the chairs that we keep under the house inside since we would have to bring them up later to prepare for the hurricane.

I made 3 trips up and down the stairs.  The kids kept yelling, "Here she is! Here she is!"  I figured that when I finally went inside they would sing to me and have cake.  But no one called me in so I made one more trip with the chairs.  Finally I was standing there on the porch and the kids were yelling, "Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! and I figured it was time to go into the living room.  When I rounded the corner the kids yelled, "SURPRISE!"

To tell you the truth it wasn't a surprise - I figured they would get me a cake.  But then as my eyes adjusted to coming in from outside I realized that there were  a lot more people in the room than my family (even though my family is 18 people) and as my eyes adjusted further I saw some of my most favorite people in the world - most of whom had travelled 90+ minutes to come to my party with the threat of a hurricane escorting them home.

It Was AWESOME.

It was awesome because there were few enough people there that I really got to talk to everyone without feeling like I was rushing through the conversations.  And because there were enough people there that I realized that I had made some incredible relationships in my 40 years.

And it was amazing because those people rock and it was awesome to spend the afternoon with them.  Even if it was pouring at the beach and a hurricane was bearing down on us.

And it was amazing because my anti-social, anti-structure, anti-plan husband had gone out of his comfort zone to round up my friends and manage the logistics so completely that I was 100% surprised.  He congratulated the kids on keeping the secret. "To tell you the truth," my second son admitted, "I completely forgot about it until today!"

My friend Serena* brought her two children.  They were a bit reserved at first but when we mentioned that "The Kids" loved Harry Potter they went into the other room and started hurling killing curses at each other.  It was great.

My cake was a blazing inferno with 24 candles because that's all that they could find at the house.  Thank goodness because those 24 candles emitted so much heat I could hardly get close enough to blow them out.  The only thing that made me bold enough to lean in toward them was the knowledge that the house was made of 200 year old wood.

My friend A- (who has been mentioned in this blog before) made the cake.  It was a raspberry concoction that made me swoon.  I MAY have had two pieces. And a half.

The only downside to the day was that A- had to go home (instead of staying over with me) because of the impending hurricane.  I tried everything I could to get her to stay - even enlisting the kids with the batting of the eyelashes and the begging but she was steadfast.  She PROMISED to come again soon.  I will run before she comes in case she bakes something else.

After my guests left we hurricane-proofed the house - including bringing the kayaks and the grill into the livingroom.  We took down the outdoor shower, we took down all the screens.  We brought all the chairs and toys inside.

And we brought all of the perishable groceries home in case the house lost power.

And then we came home...

End of Part 1.

It's 11:21pm and my husband wants to turn off the generator and go to bed. More tomorrow.