BloggingDangerously

The Crazy in My Head: It's Crowded in Here

This morning I called my friend Paul. He turned 40 yesterday so I did what any college friend would do - I called his cell phone and when he didn't answer I filled his voicemail with songs from our youth.

Then I Facebooked the following status to our other best friend from college, "Hey Bo, it's Paul's birthday so I just filled his voicemail with Paul Simon's "Late In the Evening."

When I asked Paul today, "did you get my message?" He said, "Yeah, and I got in trouble because my wife saw your Facebook message to Bo and wanted to know what the hell you were doing leaving me songs on my voicemail."

I laughed for 5 minutes.  Yes, it was a romantic gesture.  But Paul used to do it to me EVERY DAY back in college.

Anyway, she shouldn't get so worked up since it's the first time I've done it in 20 years and it was his 40th birthday.

But that's not the point.

The point is that after we got that out of the way Paul and I talked about money, bills, career, how hard it is to make friends in the suburbs and how frustrating it is that there is no map for "post-college" like there is for K thru high school/college.

Paul and I hung up when I got to the airport and I flew to NYC where I had lunch, worked and met my friend John for dinner.

John and I talked about money, bills, career, how hard it is to make friends in the suburbs and how frustrating it is that there is no map for "post-college" like there is for K thru high school/college.

I belong to a private facebook group full of women that I love.  We talk a lot about money, bills, career, how hard it is to make friends in the suburbs and how frustrating it is that there is no map for "post-college" like there is for K thru high school/college.

WTF?

I feel like in public no one talks about these things.  No one wants to talk about how hard it is to make ends meet.  We talk about the media's portrayal of women's bodies - but no one talks about the media's portrayal of the American Budget.  When you look at the "Friends" apartment in NYC - there is NO WAY a barrista could afford that - or the GORGEOUS colonials in other shows.  We are subconsciously taught that we should all be living in 4000 square foot homes and that our kids should not share bathrooms - never mind bedrooms.

We think that we should all have granite countertops and pools and vacation homes and vacations and GIVE ME ALL THE THINGS.

We're supposed to live next door to the friends we've had since high school despite the fact that they are/are not married/have kids/etc.

And we're all supposed to have great jobs that are lucrative and rewarding and let us work from work so we have great office relationships and work from home so we have great work life balance.

Most of the people I talk to - if they're being honest - are constantly wondering if they're in the right job.  Is the pay high enough?  Is there security?  Do their bosses recognize their value? Are their bosses morons?

I like to talk to John about these things because he's smart and his answers prove that he's thought through a lot of these things and come out on the other side with an answer.

Tonight I didn't love some of his answers but others I loved so much I'm going to take them home and sleep with them under my pillow.

For example, his answer to "what about the economy?" was, "Whatever happens, will happen and you'll be just as screwed as the next guy.  There's nothing you can do."

I didn't care for that answer because I think that there are things that I can do. (Save money, reduce debt, make strategic purchases, etc.)

His answer to, "how do you know if you've made the right decision?" was, "Whatever decision you make at the time is the best decision you can make with the info you had at the time.  If things change, you have to reassess and possibly make a different decision but that doesn't mean you made a bad decision."

How very Zen.

I love it.

Regarding Money: His answer was, "Pay the bills.  If there's any left, pay the debt.  If there's any left, save it so you don't have debt in the future." 

How very simple.

On career: You work to fund your life, do the highest paying job you enjoy.  You don't want to be miserable, but you don't want to be poor unnecessarily.

On bosses: If your boss doesn't appreciate you, leave.  If you find a boss who appreciates you you'll be more satisfied, make more money and have better job security.  

On worrying about all this stuff: If you have no choices, you have very little to worry about because you're just busy trying to do what you HAVE to do: Go to work, pay the bills, lather, rinse, repeat.  If you're lucky enough to have options, try to enjoy it rather than worrying about it.

I think that part is right - I think that I spend too much time worrying about things that are blessings and not enough time being grateful for them.  For example, I got a (small) raise at work and I started obsessing about whether I should put the money into my 401k, take it and invest it or save it.

Then I realized it was such a small amount of money it wasn't going to change my retirement or my current life no matter what I did, so I stopped worrying about it and just decided to enjoy the fact that my company gave me a raise. (No matter how minute.)

What about you?  Do you think that being a grown up is hard and do you find that you worry about what is "right"?

 

The Diet That Changed Me...

Remember the cleanse I started in an effort to lose these last 10 pounds once and for all?!? Remember I said I needed to do something drastic because when I "go on a diet" it only works for about 4 days and then I gain weight and am a complete and total bitch?

Well, here's what happened this time.

It worked for the first 7 days and then I gained it all back and was a complete and total bitch.

SHOCKER.

I was going to stick with it until the end because I'd paid for it but when my husband sat me down and said, "Are you okay?  Because you seem like you've been miserable for 3 weeks..." And I snapped back, "I'M FUCKING HUNGRY" - I knew it was time to change something.

The diet wasn't working.  I'd gained back all the weight I'd lost in the first 7 days and I wasn't cheating or eating anything I wasn't supposed to eat.  I even went out to dinner with the two women who had introduced me to the diet and they CHEATED and had meat, cheese, alcohol and bread while I had a dry salad.  And they were losing weight and I was not.

So I took a step back and said, "Something is wrong." And it obviously was.  

The first thing I did was look at when the diet stopped working for me - it was following the two day fast.  2 days of running 6 miles per day and eating nothing and I gained 3 pounds.

My body doesn't like fasting.  My body doesn't like dieting either.  I have a VERY LOW tolerance for sudden (or even gradual) drops in my caloric intake and my body rapidly adjusts my metabolism to store fat in these situations.  Not good for dieting.

In fact, there have been two times in my life where I was very successful at dieting - the first was in my 20s when I started dating a new guy.  I was eating 2 bagels for breakfast (Bruegger's bagels - the 400 calorie EACH type) and having a Mexican chicken Burrito (in San Diego) for lunch.  Then after work I was running 6-8 miles/day and going home for a snack before I headed to my boyfriends house where I mostly SKIPPED dinner.

If you look at it I was EASILY eating 1600+ calories/day but I was totally front loading them.

The same thing happened after my 4th child was born.  I did weight watchers and I was so hungry early in the day that all I would have left for dinner points would be chicken and vegetables and a quarter cup of rice.  And of course I was nursing all night.

I've known that I needed this "reverse diet" for a while - front load the calories to keep my metabolism up and then sleep through the misery of hunger but since I've been married and had children I haven't wanted to skip dinner - plus "skipping dinner" feels like the deprivation that usually torpedos my strongest resolve.

But this diet taught me a few things.  It taught me that I can live without Diet Coke.  (I've had exactly 2 in the last 3 weeks - one per day for the past 2 days.)  And it taught me that Diet Coke is not the thing that's sabotaging my diet efforts.  It taught me that I can live without most carbs (although I am a big fan of whole grain bread and pasta now.)  But I dont really think it matters if I do or not. (Remember the two bagels?)

And it taught me that I can live without potato chips.  I haven't had one in 3 weeks.

Of course we made Christmas cookies on Sunday and I MAY have eaten some of those.

And a FIVE GUYS burger.  

But all I had for dinner was baby lettuce and cucumber.

And I lost a pound.

Today I ate whatever I wanted.  Then I ran 6 miles.  And then I had lettuce and cucumber for dinner.

Let's see how this goes, shall we?

Because the next option is deciding that I'm just perfect the way I am.

And the American Media is not going to like that AT ALL.

 

When Crazy Pays

I have four children. In the last two weeks I received three letters in the mail from 3 of their teachers welcoming them back to school and including a list of supplies that the teacher wanted them to bring for the first day of school.

The list included the obvious such as pencils, more luxurious things such as clipboards and sharpies and highlighters and more 'School responsibility' items such as Elmer's glue, crayons, etc. There were also some wishlist items like baby wipes and Kleenex.

My 4th grade son's teacher didn't send a list. I figured she'd hand it out on the first day and I didn't worry too much about it.

Until this morning - the first day - when we walked to the bus stop beside my neighbor - who is also in 4th grade, and who, was LADEN with about 50 pounds of supplies.

"We didn't get a list." I said. (The boys have different teachers.)

"Did you check the teacher's web page?" the other mother asked me.

*GULP* I hadn't.

I turned to my son, "We'll get everything when you get home." (It was a half day.)  He nodded.

I put them on the bus and went back to my office.

But something wasn't right.

I couldn't help but think that he would be nervous about NOT having his supplies.  What if they were labeling them?  What if he NEEDED them?

I went to the website.  There was the list.

I scolded myself.  "You DO NOT need to run out and get everything on the list." I said.  "Its the first day.  It's  a HALF day for goodness SAKE!  DO NOT BE CRAZY.  Do not be ANAL.  You can get it later.  He'll probably WANT to pick everything out anyway!"

I printed the list.  I asked my husband to run to the store and buy everything and drop it off.

He did.

Later, when my son got home I asked him, "Did you get everything all right?"

He nodded. "Yep!" he said.  "Y'know," he added, "I was feeling a little nervous here," he pointed to his chest.  "And NORMALLY when I get called down to the office I get REALLY nervous.  But I was feeling a little nervous and then the office called me down and I felt great because as soon as they called me I knew what it was.  I knew you'd get everything for me."

And those few little words have set my OCD therapy back YEARS.

Hot Mess

I've been going through some drama for the past few weeks that has gone something like this: (Note: IN MY HEAD)

"I'm arguing with my family.  Now my family hates me and we will never be together on the holidays again.  If I dont have to live near my family so that we can spend the holidays together I can live anywhere I want.  Where do I want to live?  What work will I have in this new place?  What do I want to be when I grow up?  Oh no, I have to get a new job! What if I don't want to move? Who can I talk to about these things?  Why don't I have any friends?  Thank God I have my family.  Oh shit! I'm arguing with my family..." Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

In other news, I've been TREMENDOUSLY fun to have around and no, I have not been invited to any parties lately, why do you ask?

As much as these anxiety ridden moments of midlife crisis suck, they do help in some respects.

For example, I've realized that I DO have friends.  And not only do I have some really, really amazing ones, I have some, "Oh shit, is she going to do this again? I have my own shit going on but I love her even though she is one crazy bastard" sort of friends.

Some of them are 20 year old friends.  And some of them are ghosts in the machine - from the internet friends - but for the past 3 weeks they've listened to my bullshit and they haven't once said, "oh for the love of fuck, shut the hell up."

Although I'm pretty sure they wanted to.

Hell, there were a few times that I wanted to.

Beyond that, beyond realizing how blessed I am, it was also helpful to hear from people that they go through the same doubts themselves - although maybe not in the same "If I'm going to have a breakdown I'm going to go large!" way that I did.

Many people told me that they have a lot of acquaintances but only a few real friends.

Many people told me that they struggle to find a balance between spending time with their "spouse & kids" family and their "family that they were born into."

A LOT of people told me that if I found a way to solve in-law issues they wanted the secret.

And my friend Sarah told me, "Life is a Hot Mess and You Do the Best You Can."

And truer words were never spoken.

I Was Taking His Advice, Geesh!

Last night I called my husband from NYC in a panic.

"I'm pretty sure I'm having a nervous breakdown." I told him and went on to explain how I was overwhelmed by the work and the travel and some other personal things that have been going on.

He talked me off the ledge and then said, "You know what's good for stress?  Sex."

"Ok," I told him, looking out at the lights of New York.  "I'll call you in the morning and let you know if it helped."

"Wait, what!" he yelled.

And suddenly I was laughing.