BloggingDangerously

Reap, Sow, Whatev

Sometimes when I go into my boys' room at night to say good night they start twitching and saying, "oh god.  Oh no. Oh god."

Just because of that one time I went in and shut the door behind me and stood there in the dark.

Ok, maybe it was more than one time.

Doesn't everyone do that?

 

Breaking my Marriage Vows

You know how when you get married you agree to "in sickness and in health... etc."  What they don't tell you OUT LOUD is that you also agree that from this day forward you are solely responsible for 50% of the chores your spouse hates to do.  And that becomes mildly annoying but then you realize you NEVER HAVE TO TAKE OUT THE TRASH AGAIN so you're okay with it.

I am family tech support.  Which is funny because my family truly believes that I can't work the DVR.  But when technology fails and someone needs to figure it out, they call me.  Someday they're going to be like, "wait, why did I always have to get up and turn on the tv for you and put on your show."

Our FioS is currently down.  It's been intermittent but good enough for me to send email, blog and surf the web.  But if you're trying to play a multiplayer first person shooter game you're well, dead.

So yesterday my husband said, "the internet is wonky."  I said, "I know."  He said, "Can you fix it?" I said, "I tried."  He said, "what now?" I said, "Call Verizon."

Which, let's be clear, I knew was akin to saying, "Let me finish having sex with your best friend in my car and then I'll take care of it" because we agreed 17 years ago that he would never have to call Verizon again.  But no one ever asked us to say "I do" to that particular stipulation, and I was headed out so I reveled in the ambiguity and threw him to the wolves.

15 minutes later, after listening him try to talk to the automated system, and then get in a fight with the automated system, and then hang up on the automated system, I remembered that I REALLY HATE TAKING OUT THE TRASH.

So I followed up with a call to Verizon and they are coming Monday.

So much cheaper than divorce.

Life is a Party

You know how sometimes you're on antibiotics but your friends are like, "Come to the party anyway." And suddenly you're the only sober person in a room full of drunk people and all you can think is "aliens have taken their brains."

That is pretty much my existence right now in a house full of hormonal teenagers fueled by impotent rage who say things like, "Wow, that is the UGLIEST shirt I have ever seen, can you change and then take me to Starbucks?"

 

Back to Basics

The nice thing about being married for close to 17 years is that despite your best intentions to keep your inner demons hidden they have probably all revealed themselves to your spouse at sometime over the past 17 years so you really don't have to worry much about it.

Not only that, at sometime around the ten year mark you realize that either those demons are compatible with theirs or it may actually be time to call it quits.

Which is lengthy justification for the following story...

We have a male friend who is a widower with three sons.  He is an amazing man, smart and kind but not so much handsome or svelte.

He has been dating a nice woman for the past year.

We drove by his house early yesterday and his girlfriend's car was parked outside.

"I see she's spending the night." my husband said.

"AWESOME!" I replied.  "They went on vacation together in February. So I think they're hot and heavy.  And that's FANTASTIC!  Those BOYS need a mother!  And HE needs a partner!  and SHE... is willing to sleep with him."

My husband laughed for about ten minutes.

I never knew what they were sniffing for

I had to go to Dallas this week for a meeting.  It was an important meeting but one of the presenters was a British guy whose been in the US for 30 years but has a "just off the boat" accent which I'm pretty sure is just a marketing thing.

Anyway, he also LOVES the sound of his voice and so at some point during his presentation I zoned out. 

I zoned back in in time to hear him say that security these days was all about, "bum sniffing dogs."

"Huh," I thought to myself, "Is that what they're sniffing?"

After picturing dogs walking around airports sniffing passengers bums it finally occurred to me that he had said "BOMB sniffing dogs." which makes a lot more sense but also almost make me laugh hysterically in the middle of his boring presentation so I had to have a fake coughing fit until I was able to excuse myself.

It's tough living in my head.