Ten Things That Made Me Laugh Lately

When I met my husband he used to stand up empty beer bottles on the table in front of him.

Now he stands up empty toilet paper rolls on the window sill in the bathroom.

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My children think it's funny when I'm so mad I can't remember their names to yell at them.

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My son spent his "play time" yesterday writing a PERFECTLY PENMANSHIPPED story about a mother who spent all of the family's money so she had to give her children away and then she died and the kids all lived happily ever after. He asked me what I rated the story on a scale of 1-5 and, not wanting to discourage him I gave it a 5 but then I realized I didn't want to encourage matricide either so I told him that the story was worth a 5 but that I was subtracting 1 point for killing me. He just nodded.

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You know my husband, right? Well, my husband took my 6yo to the store to get new sneakers. She chose light up Sketchers. Last night as he was locking up the house my husband turned off all of the light on the first floor. Then he tripped over her sneakers in the dark and the lights went ballistic and blinded him. He thought it was a bust.

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Last weekend I bought a new car for my husband. We had an Expedition and we loved it but it was 9 years old and the grand old dame was starting to go. Her (electrical) faculties weren't what they once were and the suspension was sagging (if you know what I mean.) We are hoping to go on vacation in a couple of weeks and wanted something more reliable and with more luggage space so time was of the essence. Last weekend was the end of the quarter for the dealerships so I knew I'd get a better deal on Saturday than I would on Monday. So I sharpened my pencil, grabbed the title to my old car, my checkbook and my daughter and we hit the dealership. My husband didnt even know. My daughter and I drove a hard bargain and then we brought our AWESOME new Suburban home to meet the family. I spent the whole weekend patting myself on the back.

And then I realized that the Expedition seated 8 and the Suburban seats 7 and I invited 7 kids to my son's birthday party this weekend and now I can't fit them all!

OOPS! total mom fail.

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I bumped into my neighbor at the store with my daughter and I hugged him. Later when we got home she called me out in front of the rest of the kids and my husband, "You HUGGED him." she hissed. "I hug everyone." I told her. And then I started to list all of the guys I routinely hug. She was horrified. My husband rolled his eyes and walked away. What can I say. I'm a flirt. (Note: I also hug women.)

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I sent a copy of the story, Yertle the Turtle, to my boss. Now she calls me Mack.

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The other day when I was running I had to climb over a big snowbank at the end of a cul de sac. I didn't think twice because I'd been doing it for a few weeks. I got halfway across when I realized it was starting to melt. Then I sank up to my groin in the snow. I couldn't climb out or move forward. I was trapped and laughing my tail off. I ended up sitting down, falling backwards to get my legs out and then lying down and rolling across the snow bank to distribute my weight. The ice scratched the hell out of my legs. I'm a wimp.

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Last night my daughter woke up, "with a stomach ache." She tried to go to the bathroom but it didn't work. I gave her some toast - no dice. She drank water and some juice. It didn't help. I was tired and sent her back to bed. She got up every 15 minutes for the next two hours. And then I was EXHAUSTED. And cranky.

I thought about telling her to go to bed and to stop getting up but I realized she was scared and that at some point she would stop wanting me with her when she was awake in the night so I just kept hugging her. I had her lie on her back and do bicycle kicks to see if that would move any gas along. A few minutes later she ran to the bathroom and evacuated her tummy ache. This morning she hugged me and said, "I even did bicycle kicks. Thanks for taking care of me mom."

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I thought that when all of the Reese's Pieces Pastel Eggs were gone I'd be free of this sweet tooth. Or when the Coffee Icecream was gone. And the Vienna Fingers. Now I realize that my sweet tooth isn't proud and it will sink to whatever depravity is left in my house. Tonight it feasted on Swedish Fish Jelly beans.

My dentist is going to LOVE me.

Comments

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Yep. Same sweet tooth. I have been eating stale Butterfingers becasue I got some for Easter. And they are terrible, but I can't stop. It's like they are filled with crack or something.

Posted by: Holly Folly | April 05, 2013 at 11:12 AM

Your son's story is definitely my favorite. I can see mine doing the same thing. He likes to put in the line, "I don't mean to be MEAN, but..." when he puts the story-mom in her place.

REALLY? You're EIGHT!

Posted by: Kasha the FarmGirl | April 05, 2013 at 12:48 PM

Are you practicing for a stand up role on the Leno show? Or something at the comedy club?

Posted by: joeinvegas | April 05, 2013 at 01:12 PM

Awesome post!

My son is in this phase of getting up from 1-4 times a night. He is 4. I get angry. And then I think in a few years, he is not going to want to cuddle anymore. But I'm cranky and fuzzy all day. Catch 22.

Posted by: Erin@MommyontheSpot | April 05, 2013 at 06:04 PM