The Crazy in My Head: It's Crowded in Here

This morning I called my friend Paul. He turned 40 yesterday so I did what any college friend would do - I called his cell phone and when he didn't answer I filled his voicemail with songs from our youth.

Then I Facebooked the following status to our other best friend from college, "Hey Bo, it's Paul's birthday so I just filled his voicemail with Paul Simon's "Late In the Evening."

When I asked Paul today, "did you get my message?" He said, "Yeah, and I got in trouble because my wife saw your Facebook message to Bo and wanted to know what the hell you were doing leaving me songs on my voicemail."

I laughed for 5 minutes.  Yes, it was a romantic gesture.  But Paul used to do it to me EVERY DAY back in college.

Anyway, she shouldn't get so worked up since it's the first time I've done it in 20 years and it was his 40th birthday.

But that's not the point.

The point is that after we got that out of the way Paul and I talked about money, bills, career, how hard it is to make friends in the suburbs and how frustrating it is that there is no map for "post-college" like there is for K thru high school/college.

Paul and I hung up when I got to the airport and I flew to NYC where I had lunch, worked and met my friend John for dinner.

John and I talked about money, bills, career, how hard it is to make friends in the suburbs and how frustrating it is that there is no map for "post-college" like there is for K thru high school/college.

I belong to a private facebook group full of women that I love.  We talk a lot about money, bills, career, how hard it is to make friends in the suburbs and how frustrating it is that there is no map for "post-college" like there is for K thru high school/college.

WTF?

I feel like in public no one talks about these things.  No one wants to talk about how hard it is to make ends meet.  We talk about the media's portrayal of women's bodies - but no one talks about the media's portrayal of the American Budget.  When you look at the "Friends" apartment in NYC - there is NO WAY a barrista could afford that - or the GORGEOUS colonials in other shows.  We are subconsciously taught that we should all be living in 4000 square foot homes and that our kids should not share bathrooms - never mind bedrooms.

We think that we should all have granite countertops and pools and vacation homes and vacations and GIVE ME ALL THE THINGS.

We're supposed to live next door to the friends we've had since high school despite the fact that they are/are not married/have kids/etc.

And we're all supposed to have great jobs that are lucrative and rewarding and let us work from work so we have great office relationships and work from home so we have great work life balance.

Most of the people I talk to - if they're being honest - are constantly wondering if they're in the right job.  Is the pay high enough?  Is there security?  Do their bosses recognize their value? Are their bosses morons?

I like to talk to John about these things because he's smart and his answers prove that he's thought through a lot of these things and come out on the other side with an answer.

Tonight I didn't love some of his answers but others I loved so much I'm going to take them home and sleep with them under my pillow.

For example, his answer to "what about the economy?" was, "Whatever happens, will happen and you'll be just as screwed as the next guy.  There's nothing you can do."

I didn't care for that answer because I think that there are things that I can do. (Save money, reduce debt, make strategic purchases, etc.)

His answer to, "how do you know if you've made the right decision?" was, "Whatever decision you make at the time is the best decision you can make with the info you had at the time.  If things change, you have to reassess and possibly make a different decision but that doesn't mean you made a bad decision."

How very Zen.

I love it.

Regarding Money: His answer was, "Pay the bills.  If there's any left, pay the debt.  If there's any left, save it so you don't have debt in the future." 

How very simple.

On career: You work to fund your life, do the highest paying job you enjoy.  You don't want to be miserable, but you don't want to be poor unnecessarily.

On bosses: If your boss doesn't appreciate you, leave.  If you find a boss who appreciates you you'll be more satisfied, make more money and have better job security.  

On worrying about all this stuff: If you have no choices, you have very little to worry about because you're just busy trying to do what you HAVE to do: Go to work, pay the bills, lather, rinse, repeat.  If you're lucky enough to have options, try to enjoy it rather than worrying about it.

I think that part is right - I think that I spend too much time worrying about things that are blessings and not enough time being grateful for them.  For example, I got a (small) raise at work and I started obsessing about whether I should put the money into my 401k, take it and invest it or save it.

Then I realized it was such a small amount of money it wasn't going to change my retirement or my current life no matter what I did, so I stopped worrying about it and just decided to enjoy the fact that my company gave me a raise. (No matter how minute.)

What about you?  Do you think that being a grown up is hard and do you find that you worry about what is "right"?

 

Comments

[Becky]

You hit it.. Perfect. I'm actually going to quote you..the blessings statement. Thank you:) you're fantastic again.

[joeinvegas]

Yup

[Cheryl]

Wow, as someone who's recently graduated university I'm already feeling these pressures! It's awful and I'm like you on worrying too much instead of enjoying ( although I'm working on it!)

[Lauren]

100% agree

[Lisa]

Totally agree, we are way too entitled and blessed beyond belief, we MUST have granite, etc. but on our worst day its way better than billions of people. Example, we were supplosed to get MAYBE an inch of snow this week, we got ELEVEN...that I watched fall from my warm house and then watched be shoveled from my sidewalks and drive. I have nothing to complain about.
Thanks for writing. You make me laugh and think.

[TechyDad]

I completely agree. I try not to think about it because when I do I begin to freak out. My wife left her job when our second child was born (it actually made financial sense at the time versus paying for daycare) and now the job market stinks so she likely couldn't get a decent full time job if she wanted to. (Especially not in her field.)

This means that the entire financial fortune of our family rests on my shoulders. My performance in my job could mean the difference between keeping our house or losing it.

I also try not to think about retirement as I'm not putting anything away. I know I should, but there's so little left after bills that we can't afford to take even more out of my paycheck.

Add in the stresses of trying to get the best education for your child when you feel like the entire school system is working against you and a house that seems like it constantly needs work done to it just to keep it from falling down and being an adult can really stink.

There are definitely times when I wish I could go back to the days when my biggest worry was whether my parents got my the toy that I've always wanted ever since I saw it on commercial ten minutes ago or whether I got home in time to watch my favorite show.

[Anne]

My daughter is twelve and like most twelve year olds wants to be independent and grown up. It's just the two of us and sometimes she tries to insist that we are equal partners rather than mother-daughter. Last night she pulled that and after explaining (again) the true nature of our relationship, I realized (again) how much it sucks to have it all rest on my shoulders. So I told her how hard it is to be a grown up and how, just like you said, there's no guidance once you graduate and no one to catch you if you fall so she should really stay a kid for as long as she possibly can and forget about wanting to grow up quickly. I hope she gets it.

[DaddyRunsALot]

I love John's philosophies. Pay the things you need to, pay down the things that you don't need to pay, and save anything left over. If only I could let my thinking be that easy.

It's funny - the stuff I would stress about in college is so, well, unimportant, now. I had a job interview the other day, and I was asked what I would picture my job being in five years. Now, I'm a pretty successful IT guy, and this is hardly my first ever job interview, so I should have been prepared for this - but it caught me off guard. And all I could think was "sure as hell not what I'm doing now," and then I was wondering if I would even be in IT in five years.

As far as the economy - well, I'm saving so little that it doesn't matter if things tank. So I'm all set :-)

[Ken]

I used to think growing up was hard...and then, on 11/30/2012, I retired for the second and final time. Now I find that the "hard" wasn't so hard after all and it was worth every bit of it to be where I am now! Hang in there and enjoy the ride!