My daughter had a meltdown one morning last week when I was in NYC. Apparently she didn't want to go to school and started crying. My husband, not one to give in to histrionics, said, "Get on the darn bus." and she did, crying.
The next day, knowing nothing about this I walked her to the bus stop but when the bus pulled up she burst into tears and said, "I don't want to go."
I brought her home, asked her what was wrong and drove her to school. She insisted I walk her into the school so I did - reluctantly.
In the lobby there was a little girl my daughter's age that neither of us knew. We were all standing there waiting for the bell to ring indicating that the kids could go to their classrooms and the little girl looked very awkward while she waited by herself.
"Go talk to her." I told my daughter.
"No way." she told me.
Finally the bell rang and she ran off to class as happy as could be.
Over the weekend she told me that she hated the bus because she didn't have any close friends on the bus and some of the other girls had told her "not to eavesdrop" when she tried to participate in their conversation.
I remember this feeling from second grade so I did what I wished I could have done myself back then - I went to my third grade son and said, "Your sister is feeling bad because she doesn't have anyone to sit with on the bus - can you sit with her?" He looked surprised.
"She does?" he asked. I nodded. "Of course I can." he told me. My fourth grade son piped in, "I can sit with her too!"
On Saturday I went to my husband's gun range by myself for the first time. I was a little bit nervous because it was the first time I'd fired my pistol without my husband with me and I was sure I'd do something silly that showed everyone I was new - but of course I didn't. I walked into the range, nodded at the people there and went about my business. It took about 15 minutes and then I left. When I got home I said to my husband. I saw a few people but they weren't very friendly.
Then I realized I hadn't said anything to them either. I promised myself that next time I went I would introduce myself to everyone I saw and tell them, "I'm new and I figure if I do this every time, eventually I'll know everyone."
This morning my daughter got on the bus happily flanked by her big brothers. "I'm VERY jealous of you." I told her with them listening. "When I was little I didn't have a big brother." She beamed.
The three of them got on the bus and sat down together. Through the window I could see them laughing. I could also see one of the little girls that my daughter said excluded her - sitting by herself - neither of her friends had made the bus this morning and she was looking out the window awkwardly. (Note: I like the little girl. It's one of her friends that's a mean girl.)
Then I came back to my office and stressed out about the fact that I'm the only person in town without 100 friends. I always see other people hanging out or talking about going on vacation together so I'm certain that I'm the only one who has no close friends in town.
So I took my woes to Twitter where every single person agreed that making adult friendships was HARD. Even when we make the effort we run out of time because life gets in the way.
But, dammit, I decided to make the effort. I called 5 friends and invited them over to play card on Saturday night. I don't even know if they all play cards. Two of them said 'yes', One said she'd love to but her family is going skiing and the other two haven't called me back.
That's still pretty good, right?
And my daughter? Well, she and her brothers came off the bus laughing but when I told her about how she hadn't even noticed the little girl sitting by herself this morning I think it dawned on her that she only notices when SHE'S the one who's being excluded.
So hopefully we all learned something today.
It is easier to make friend online than in life for me. I really should try to make friends off line
Posted by: D H ARZA | January 29, 2013 at 09:42 AM
Ahh. What a great lesson on a Tuesday morning. I haven't read the MWF Seeks BFF yet...but I'm thinking about it. I do think its important to invite people places, otherwise everyone just does their own thing.
Posted by: Katie | January 29, 2013 at 10:54 AM
I would have never guessed that you went extremely popular with tons of friends, you always seem so confident and sure of yourself, something that I'm not and have always thought that was why I never had many friends. But it is all about saying hello and making the time I guess, now as adults.
I think you have some amazing sons that would sit with their little sister. I know my brother would have never done that for you.
From what I can tell you're an amazing woman and mom and I wish I could be friends with you in real life.
Posted by: Angel | January 29, 2013 at 11:04 AM
As the single girl among married friends, I learned this lesson many years ago as they started to get married and have kids. Funny thing, I'm now teaching it to some of them as they realize now that the wedding is over or the babies are getting older that they are without a girlfriend to hang out with. Just a little bit of effort on your part will help you build these relationships pretty easy, but you can't wait for the other person to make it happen.
Posted by: Debbie | January 29, 2013 at 11:05 AM
I meant my brother would have never done that for me*
Posted by: Angel | January 29, 2013 at 11:05 AM
I love this! I completely agree - adult friendships are HARD. And, once you have them, they're even harder to maintain. Kids, dogs, duties as a SAHM, errands, and such get in the way of planning time to "hang out" and it's easy to lose a lot of friends that way.
I went through a period just last year where I felt like I had NO ONE in real life to talk to or hang out with. So, I just started trying! I engaged myself in conversations with new people, put in more effort.
Now, I can proudly say that we have about 6 couples that we regularly talk to/hang out with and I have a handful of women that I talk to daily and are my best friends.
Posted by: Marissa Peterson | January 29, 2013 at 04:01 PM
We've lived in our new town a little over a year and I still don't have any good friends. Some casual acquaintances through work but that's it. I realized that work (being on call 24 hours five days a week) kind of put a damper on my social life, so I have to make the conscience effort to seek out friendships as well. I miss the great group of friends we had before but know that dwelling on that isn't going to help me here and now.
Posted by: DCG | January 29, 2013 at 08:48 PM
It's so very easy to not notice the plight of others, when you're doing well. Though, when your daughter wouldn't walk up to the girl who looked scared, well, I was left wondering if she did have options on the school bus, but didn't want to make any effort with anyone new (that said, damn, to be told "don't eavesdrop" is downright rude).
Adult friendships are hard. I think I'm finally getting to the point where I feel that I have some meaningful adult friendships(though that's, in no small part, due to twitter), and I'm 35. Life gets in the way, and you can't ever take it personally when it does.
I'll admit a bit of jealousy to my wife - we live in her hometown. She has her whole family who still lives here, and she went to high school here, and there are friends that she grew up with that are still around. Me, I grew up about three hours away. And while the college I went to is only an hour away, few of my fellow graduates still live around me. There are times that I wonder why I don't have more friends -- but, again, I'm working on it.
Posted by: DaddyRunsALot | January 30, 2013 at 08:10 AM
When you said you asked your son to sit by his sister on the bus I just knew you would say he said No Way! What amazing children you have raised who want to spend time together!
Posted by: Krystle Wainscott | January 30, 2013 at 09:49 AM
You are teaching your kids very good lessons that will help them all their lives. Good for you going to the range by your self. Good idea to introduce yourself, most men won't walk up to a married lady unless they know her for fear of being thought of as a dirty old man.
Posted by: Richard | January 30, 2013 at 10:44 AM
What a great post! You are so right in so many ways, and so many lessons were taught to so many. It was truly an amazing experience for all involved. Thank you for sharing!
Posted by: Kourtney | January 30, 2013 at 12:01 PM
I hope my kids are still that good to each other when they're both in school (daycare's going well). And you're right, adult friendships are hard. We moved 2 years ago and I'm having a hell of a time meeting kindred spirits.
Posted by: Robin | January 31, 2013 at 12:15 PM
I have the opposite problem. I meet people and can pipe up conversations in person, but online... not so much.
Posted by: Nickie | January 31, 2013 at 06:31 PM