BloggingDangerously

Football Fellatio

My family and I watched the Patriots game last night.  We let the kids stay up way past their bedtime to see the Pats make it to the Superbowl but once it became clear that they wouldn't we sent them to bed.

My husband and I always watch the games together and I am absolutely nauseated at the gratuitous way the announcers stroke Tom Brady.  "He's the best quarterback ever." They gush.

"If anyone can do it, it's Tom Brady." they giggle.

So last night after the kids had gone to bed and I could speak freely and Tom Brady threw an interception to end the game and the Patriot's season I said, "These guys are the choke masters!"

I added, "Tom Brady has been getting too many blow jobs from the announcers."

My husband joined in, "And too many from the second most beautiful woman in the world."

I paused, wondering who he thought the most beautiful woman was and then realizing, said, "Nice try but you're still not getting one."

He laughed.

I'm Not Sure What To Say

I flew to California on Monday morning and was gone until 11pm Wednesday.  That's a quick trip to California but it felt like a long time to be away from home.

My husband and I had made tentative plans for romance when I got home but I was tired and a little cranky and he was all settled in and sometimes the comfort of our bed gets the best of him.

But somehow we pulled it off.

Oh, it was touch and go for a bit.  I had to say good night to all the children even though they were asleep.  And I just went in and hugged them tight until they basically shoved me away in their sleep and it felt okay to walk away from them.  

Then it took me what felt like forever to unpack enough that I had my toothbrush and eye cream and longer to put my shoes in the closet where they wouldn't trip us in the night.  

Have you ever been too tired to brush your teeth and wash your face before bed? 

THAT.

But I managed - and when I COLLAPSED into bed I thought, this is not going to happen.

But my husband was playing poker on his phone - so I started reading on my kindle and when the clock finally turned to 11:30 I looked at him and said, "ENOUGH." and turned out the light.

He rolled over to kiss me and one thing led to another and before long we were getting reacquainted.

We had some logistical issues.  The husband has been doing pushups lately and his biceps were fatigued so there was one point at which my sternum MAY have been crushed.

We reconfigured.

Then there was the uncomfortable angle.  

We reconfigured.

And then there was "OH GOD YES DON'T STOP MORE FASTER HARDER OH MY GOD YES NO I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT I AM SAYING WHAT DID YOU SAY YOUR NAME WAS AGAIN WHAT DID I SAY MY NAME WAS AGAIN WHO ARE YOU WHERE ARE WE CAN WE DO THAT AGAIN!"

Which was nice to come home to.

Until this morning when my 7 yo daughter said, "After you came home and kissed me last night, I had to get up to go to the bathroom and I heard you and Daddy fighting."

To which I replied, "Oh, I'm sure we weren't fighting sweetie."

And then I ran and hid so she couldn't ask me why I had been screaming.

The Energy Crisis (No Not That One)

Last week I was talking to a colleague who had recently been let go from somewhere he'd worked diligently for 5 years.

It's seems the VP had hired a new Director and the Director wasn't fond of my friend so he wanted to let him go.  The VP, who has known my friend for a long time, didn't want to overrule his new hire so he let my friend be fired.

Shortly afterwards the new Director when to the Board of Directors and accused the VP of not knowing what he was doing.  The Board of Directors, who had wanted to see more progress, believed the new Director and let the VP go.

What goes around, comes around.

Or, as my friend put it, "Karma is a Real Bitch."

True enough.

My friend, who is very good at what he does, has been hired into a new role at a much higher level than he was at before.  The whole situation has actually been very good for him.

While we were talking he said, "You know what the worst part is?  The worst part is that I stayed until they fired me.  I KNEW they were miserable bastards.  I should have quit."

"We get sucked into what we know." I told him.  "Until we don't even realize what hell it is."

"I dont understand how people manage like that." he told me.  "I try to care about my people and support them." he added.  "And when I support them, they work harder and support me."

"It's like this," I agreed.  "When you smile at someone who is having a bad day, it picks them up, it energizes them so they have energy to put into their work, energy to give back."

"When you are miserable to someone it bring them down." I went on.  "It drains them so that they don't have energy to do the work - or to do anything else - an certainly no energy to give back."

"Exactly." he agreed.

So smile.  It's the best gift you can give yourself.

More Like That First Thing You Said...

Its Friday afternoon and DH has been pawing at me all day.

And not just pawing, OGLING. So much so that when I bent over to pick something up, I could actually FEEL his eyes on my ass.

Just now he walked up to me, and started kissing my neck.

It should be noted that I went running at lunch and haven't showered yet so this isn't sexy.

I said, "Oh my God! You're like..."

He interrupted, "What!? like a guy who hasn't had sex in a week? Like a guy who loves his wife?"

"More like that first thing you said." I told him.

And You Were Upset When They Asked If You Were Pregnant (And You Weren't)

I've been trying to minimize the number of nights I spend in New York City lately so I've been packing my schedule there completely full.

I have breakfast meetings, morning meetings, lunch meetings, afternoon meetings and dinner meetings.  By the time I make it back to my hotel room I'm a basket case.

On Tuesday I had a GREAT lunch meeting at a fabulous Greek restaurant in Manhattan.  I got a salad with chicken on it and it was FABULOUS.

But it was too big and I couldn't finish it.  Of course, I knew that I was staying in a hotel (no fridge) and that I had a dinner date (no need for leftovers) but there was no way I was sending it back to the kitchen - so I took it with me.

And I started looking for a homeless person who might enjoy it.

Now I know that some of you think I'm being completely horrible - just because someone is homeless doesn't mean that they want to finish my half eaten food.  And I agree with you.  I would never assume that someone wants the other half of my hamburger.

However, I can't tell you how many times I've seen homeless people in NYC pull half full coffee cups out of the trash and finish them - having no idea where they came from.

I was hoping that an amazingly delicious salad with chicken delivered in a takeout container from a posh restaurant would be appealing to them.

But for the next 6 hours I couldn't find a single homeless person anywhere in NYC.

 Finally I met up with my Twitter friend, Deanna, and said, "Keep your eyes peeled for a homeless person."  She looked at me like I was a little crazy but she nodded.  She's awesome like that.

We walked around Manhattan for 3 hours but never did find a homeless person.

WE THINK.

We did pass one guy pushing a grocery cart full of redeemable cans.

Deanna nudged me, "What about him?"

I hesitated. "I saw him but I don't think he's homeless, I just think that's his job." 

She paused.  "Really?" she asked.

"I'm not sure." I admitted.

And then it hit me.

You know everyone tells you that the WORST thing you can do is ask a woman if she's pregnant - when she isn't?

Well that's totally wrong.

The worst thing you can do is walk up to someone on the streets of New York City, hand them a half eaten meal and say, "You, you look homeless, here's my leftover lunch."