BloggingDangerously

Nobody Tells You About the .2

I haven't written lately because I'm even boring myself with the "big deal on the table" garbage these days and yet it's so all consuming I can't even fathom life before or after the "big deal."

I was talking to my husband tonight and I likened it to a marathon.

If someone tells you they're training for a marathon and you ask them how far it is and they say, "Twenty-six miles" you know it's their first marathon.  And if they say "Twenty-six point two miles" you know've they've done it before because when you're training for your first marathon you think, "HOLY FUCK HOW AM I GOING TO RUN TWENTY SIX MILES?" so that's all you're focused on.

But then once you've run the twenty-six miles and you're looking around for the finish line and someone tells you, "Hey mate, it's just up ahead around the bend, only point two miles left to go." you think "It's not the 26 miles that's going to kill me, it's the point two."  And you NEVER DISRESPECT the point two again.

Well that's where I am with this deal.  At the 26 mile mark and FUCK ME if there isn't point two left to go.  I've been up to my ass in alligators since March and this thing will be over by August 31st and I'm on the edge of my sanity clinging to the calendar and telling myself that only a moron makes it 26 miles to walk off the road before 26.2.  So I'm holding on.  But barely.

I'm developing bad habits: insomnia.

I may have missed a shower (or two.)

My kids ask me every day, "How much money will we get?"

It's going to be okay, I know it is.  But until then, somethings gotta give and I'm sorry if it's this blog.

I miss you.

 

He Didn't Mean It

Last night I wrote yesterday's "Sex Homework" post and then realized it was 10:30 and I was caught up on work and blogging and that my family was all taken care of.

I decided to go to bed because I've been suffering from extreme sleep deprivation lately and am WAY behind.

HOWEVER, I was motivated by my own post and when I went into the bedroom I said, "Goodnight." in a stage whisper.

"Goodnight." he whispered back.  

"You're awake?" I asked eagerly.

"No." he lied.

I laughed.  He didn't.

I snuggled up to him.  It was my turn to lie.  "I'm not trying to seduce you." I said.  "I just want to hug you."  

I curled myself up against his back.

"I love you." I told him.

"I love you." he said.

"I missed you." I told him.

"I missed you." he said.

"I want you." I told him.

"GO AWAY." he begged.

He was begging again tonight - but in a totally different way.

 

 

Sex Homework: Hard Habits Die Bad

I don't even know the last time I had sex.  Seriously.

I know, I know, who am I and what did I do with the real me?

It's like this, first I was working, and then we were at the beach house where we PRACTICALLY share a room with the kids and then I was working LATE and then I was in NYC and THEN it was "that time." and now I'm pretty sure I've forgotten how.

My husband says it's like riding a bike - but without the saddle.

I'm willing to give it a go - which is why this post will be short.

Nevertheless, I wanted to point out that this is how bad habits get started...

First you don't do it because you're too busy, then you're too tired, then the expectation is too high - and then finally you don't do it because NOT DOING IT has become your thing.

Well LET ME TELL YOU, if, as a couple, you're going to have a THING.  NOT DOING IS is a LOUSY ONE.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD pick a different THING.

Pick using babytalk, pick PDA, pick arguing in public, pick ANYTHING ELSE.

But don't let the sex get away from you.

Because once you've lost that, you've kind of lost the point of having a LOVER.

So tonight's homework is to break that bad habit; stop being too busy, too tired and too out of practice.

Practice my friends and enjoy.

Leave a comment if you dare...

 

No Wonder They're Homophonic.

My boys are headed to football camp this week.  Their enthusiasm was a little touch and go until I reminded them that camp would help them get better, improve their game and contribute as much as possible to their team.

Also, Cheerleaders.

We went to the beach today and then we raced to Sports Authority to get  a helmet for my 9yo.  The league actually provides helmets as part of the signup fee but last year the helmets were so small I thought my son's ears were going to come off every time he took it off.

Camp starts at 8:30 so when we got home we had both boys pack up their gear.  "Don't forget water!" I yelled down the stairs.  A few minutes later my son yelled up, "MOM! Where's my cup."

"It's in the cooler!" I yelled back.

"The cooler?" he asked.

"Yeah, out on the front steps." I called down.  "I haven't unpacked from the beach yet."

He turned and headed for the door.

My husband stopped him.  "Where are you going?"

My husband told me that my son looked at him with the most confused expression he had ever seen and said, "Mom said my cup is in the cooler."

My husband fell over laughing.

"I think mom meant your WATER CUP." he told my son.

The confusion disappeared.

We spent the next 20 minutes looking for my son's athletic supporter.  I found it in his closet - where he NEVER would have looked.  

Then he chased me around the house with it, because EW.

And Then I Peed In My Pants - Which REALLY Impressed my Boss's Boss's Boss.

I was at dinner last night with some coworkers and one of them was telling a story about one of his employees.  Apparently the employee is "underperforming" and whenever the manager tries to coach him he agrees SO enthusiastically that the manager becomes completely disoriented.

For example, when the manager says, "We have quotas."  The employee responds, "OF COURSE WE DO."

When the manager adds, "These are a very black and white measurement of success," the employee responds, "AS THEY SHOULD BE!"

When the manager goes on, "You're not making your objective." the employee takes it a step further, "That is COMPLETELY UN-AC-CEPT-ABLE!"

Manager: I see you didn't have any appointments last week

Employee: how, How, HOW am I going to make my number if I dont have any appointments!?!?

Manager: um, yeah.

The group of us at dinner were laughing at the way the employee turned the tables on his boss.  The manager was laughing hardest of all.

I suggested that it was an excellent strategy and that we should all go home and use it in our personal lives.

The Manager mentioned that he had.

"And then I slept on the couch." he added.  

His wife: Don't touch me.

Him: OF COURSE! I SHOULDN'T TOUCH YOU!  ESPECIALLY ALL LIQUORED UP!  WHY WOULD ANYONE DO THAT!?!??!!

I laughed so hard I'm pretty sure I completely embarassed myself in front of my boss's boss's boss.