CRAZY: Torn Between the Person I Am and the Person I Want to Be...

I'd like to think that if I lived back in the time of the American Revolution I would have been a Patriot.

I'd like to think that if I lived back in the time of the suffragettes, that I would have been a champion for women.

Because, OBVIOUSLY. 

Well, it's obvious now.

But the truth is that I've never been a radical.  

I've never even been much of a complainer.

This makes me feel, sadly, that I would have been neither a Patriot nor a suffragette.

And yet I live an unconventional life.  I work, my husband stays home.  I write about vibrators (albeit anonymously.)  So maybe there is a bit of a rebel in me after all?

"What the hell are you talking about?" you're asking...

I quit my previous job a year and a half ago.  My previous company had once been a lucrative place to work but times had changed and every year they laid off more people and paid the remaining people less until the only people left were good people who should have quit years ago but stayed because of some achilles heel.  Some of the people were working mothers who needed the flexibility of the job.  Some were people who were too close to retirement (and a pension) to leave.  I was in the midst of having four children.

Every year we were told that the following year was going to be OUR YEAR and that we would all make a lot of money.  And every year I believed them - that's the optimist in me - until something happened and we all had to adjust our quota upward until we came in just under where we were the year before.  And then in November they would lay off two people and we would go into the new year thankful that we were not one of the ones who were laid off and happy to pick up their workload and add it to our own.

And I was one of those happy people.  

Until I wasn't.

Don't get me wrong, I knew for YEARS that it was miserable, but just when my youngest turned 1 and I could stop carrying the Medela Pump in Style to interviews, the stock market CRASHED and I felt lucky just to HAVE a job.  But then the economy got marginally better and my company pulled an enormous bait and switch on us and laid off people and told us we should be "happy they kept us," and essentially scolded us for not being thrilled to lift that barge and tote that bale.

So I got a fabulous new job and I quit.  And I swore that I would never again let someone make me feel like I was "lucky that they kept me."

My new job was hard.  And there were times that I regretted giving up the stability of the old job for the HOPE of the new job.  But let me tell you, HOPE always trumps stability if you're worth your salt.

For the first 8 months on the job I struggled, but then something clicked and I started hitting my quota month after month after month.  I was on track to turn that HOPE into a wonderful new future for my family.

And then my new company got acquired.  Not by my old company, but by their number one competitor.  If my old company was Coke, we're being acquired by Pepsi.  If my old company was McDonald's, we're being acquired by Burger King.  If my old company was Ford, we're being acquired by Chevy.

Do you get it?  The new company, they're EXACTLY the same - but not quite as good.

Everyone is talking about how GREAT it's going to be, but I want to vomit because I see the changes that they're making and I know where they lead...  to a place where my recent dreams of building a house where all of my children have their own rooms is a fairy tale and I'm quietly hoping that it doesn't snow next winter because lift tickets are SO EXPENSIVE and why should the kids learn to ski anyway?

And yet I find myself praying that it won't be as bad as I know it will because I DO NOT want to get another job because this one was just starting to be SO WONDERFUL.  And even though I know that that reality has changed, I'd really like to avoid doing something knee-jerk like quitting because that seems so RADICAL.

Which we've already established that I'm not.

(but would like to think I am - in hindsight.)

Everyone's favorite patriot, Patrick Henry said: 

It is natural to man to indulge in the illusions of hope. We are apt to shut our eyes against a painful truth, and listen to the song of that siren, till she transforms us into beasts. Is this the part of wise men, engaged in a great and arduous struggle for liberty? Are we disposed to be of the number of those who, having eyes, see not, and having ears, hear not, the things which so nearly concern their temporal salvation? For my part, whatever anguish of spirit it may cost, I am willing to know the whole truth; to know the worst and provide for it.

Which I suppose means that I should stop blogging and go do my resume.

Thanks for reading and for being here.  You have made me realize that I'm better than my employers would have me believe.  And THAT has made all the difference.

Comments

[TechyDad]

I hope "stop blogging and go do my resume" just means that you were just going to close out this blog post, not stop blogging entirely. I'd miss reading your blog posts.

Either way, good luck. I've been through a bad acquisition, so I know how tough it is. At the time, my team went from the big fish of the company to being told by the big company's marketing department "You have great content, but we don't know how to sell it so we're cutting you."

I doubt I could help with a job search, but if there's anything I can do just let me know.

[Megan]

My brother has held on to anything trying to get a job, to get an internship doing one... I think he job market has turned some employers into such assholes, stringing along people.
Im sorry your employers don't see the goddess you are. But everyone else does!

[Dawn]

I'm sorry you are in this position. So, so sorry. I've been there but unlike you, I haven't been able to cut the cord and walk away. Part of it's fear, part of it's inertia, part of it's being terrified that someone will find out that I'm really not that great of a worker and that I'm not as smart or as talented as I've always been told I was.

You go work some magic on that resume; no one should be made to feel that they are lucky to just have a job. You are worth tons more than that!

[Ken]

You are better...and don't you ever forget it!!

[joeinvegas]

Yup, doesn't hurt to get the resume out.

[Ariana Richards]

I've been through so many buy-outs (3 of my last four jobs, with one going through two buy-outs), being both on the buying company side and the bought company side...and if you can already see them making negative changes, you're making the right choice by polishing your resume.

The looking sucks, but the finding something better makes it all worthwhile (as you've already discovered once :-))

[Sharon-anne]

LOVE YOU. You deserve everything you think you deserve AND MORE. And don't you ever, for one second, forget it. Or question it. Follow your gut and remember, "Everything works out okay in the end. If it isn't okay, it isn't the end."

[Kate]

OMGoodness my husband was/is exactly in the same situation as you! Now he commutes 2 long hours to-from his new job and his new boss rides him daily with threats & he is stressed to his limit! No job is worth that! Good luck I wish you all the best in the days and weeks to come.

[alaina]

I am in the same position as your old job. Where does the line between "needing a paycheck" and "sacrificing my own happiness" fall?

[Kristin Milton]

I was in one of those horrible jobs, and stayed because I needed maternity leave, then stayed because of the flexibility... then I was made redundant, and it was absolutely the best thing ever.
Nine months of contracting until i found the job I really wnted, then I won it and i couldn't be happier.
I KNOW I'm not a rebel - I didn't jump. I'm so glad I was pushed.

[Jenny]

For what it's worth...you make my "not so happy" job better each morning when I sit down at my desk excited to read your latest post while I drink my tea/coffee and eat my breakfast bar. I tell people about your blog all the time in hopes that the more readers you get, the less likely you may need a job at all...your job could be making us laugh all day long...and writing that book your always talking about :) You sounds like an amazing woman and it sounds like you have an amazing husband/support system, so I have no doubt that you will realize in time what the right thing for you is.

[Cat_pants]

I recently left a job where the atomosphere was becoming more and more toxic. People were quitting, I was getting an ulcer, having anxiety attacks. Some folks were kind and amazing and others would stab you in the back or hold grudges for YEARS. So I took the plunge and left. And I’m glad I did because I’m less ill and sad than I was. But now, I’m seeing just how toxic the new environment is and how the job I was hired for isn’t the job I’m doing or may even get to do. I’m hanging in for awhile to see if it works itself out, but I’m seriously thinking it might be time to go back to corporate or even go out on my own.
I wish you luck and hope it doesn’t go south on you.

You are one of the ones that helped convince me that my (and my family's ) happiness was worth it. And as rough as this is, I'm doing a lot better mentally. Please allow me to return the favor.

You deserve happiness!

[John]

Kit, we love you. Seriously, your blog posts are some of the highlights of my day, every single day I find some time to spend in the blogosphere.

I have a very, very hard time imagining you not successful in any line of work. seriously.

I left my old job a little over a year ago, because I was pretty confident that my old company was going to go under. Since I left, there have been four rounds of layoffs, and I'm 99% certain I would have been one of the unlucky ones.

Now, I'm at a job that I'm still trying to figure out how it will "click" for me. But, it's a job, and I'm doing the best I can, but I'm also polishing off my resume.

And thinking, perhaps, that maybe I'm just not in the right line of work. I think I'd make a kick-ass physical therapist / personal trainer. Don't you agree?

[Jessie Powell]

Take the blog thing pro. Your job is getting ready to suck you. I don't even know where you work or who you really are, and I can tell you this for sure. You have the potential to be a classy sex blogger (RARE) and that's where your future lies. Your company will drain you until your family has nothing left of you. Don't hide. Don't lie to yourself. Instead, figure out where the breaking point needs to be so you don't have to creep up on it. Decide what you need to do to push your blog to the next level. The person you want to be is sitting right beside you all the time, you know, waiting for you to step into her.

[Leigh Ann]

I think about this a lot. How my and my husband's ability to remain content may very well doom us to a life of mediocrity. If we don't take chances an push and challenge ourselves, then how can we expect any rewards or satisfaction? Very few people have these things fall into their laps.