I got home from Amsterdam on Friday afternoon and spent the next 2 hours hugging and being hugged by everyone - yeah, it was totally cool. I said and/or heard the words, "I missed you SO much!" about 50,000 times. There's no place like home.
And then my husband noticed my new shirt - a tight long sleeved black t-shirt from the Grasshopper, a bar and coffeshop in Amsterdam. And suddenly it was the Grasshopper meets the Octopus and he started grabbing and rubbing and whispering COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE things.
Until I broke the news to him that I would be out of commission for at least the next 24 hours.
He was devastated.
Of course I was so jetlagged I wouldn't have been any use to him anway for at least 24 hours.
Saturday afternoon I jumped into the shower to get ready for a meeting and when I got out I heard him bumping around in the bedroom.
"Don't even think about it!" I called.
"Oh MAN!" he called back.
"They're all awake!" I told him.
"They're playing in the basement." he argued.
I was partially convinced but realizing that 1) a man will say anything at that point and 2) my kids have parental radar I refused to give in.
"Tonight." I promised him.
He grumbled out of the room and down the stairs.
Later that night he tried to actually GO TO SLEEP.
No dice. I berated him for being old until he agreed to give me what I wanted. (Yes I fight dirty.)
Sunday morning he tried to slink out of bed to go work out without waking me.
(He is newly addicted to working out and gets up at 8am or earlier - EVEN ON THE WEEKENDS - it's INSANE.)
Normally I appreciate the extra sleep but we still had some catching up to do so I said, "Where are you going?"
He insisted on going down to work out and even had the nerve to tell me that "having sex would take some of the fire out of his workout."
So I told him, "Let's get one thing straight boyscout - you work out so that you can pleasure me - there is no way your workouts should interfere with that."
And then we talked about how his number one priority was to service me and he saw the light and got back into bed. He snuggled up behind me. It wasn't as frantic as the night before had been. It was good.
Until the bedroom door came FLYING open and my daughter came in asking us to open one of her Christmas presents. Seriously - it had been in our house for a MONTH but it had to be opened at that exact moment!?!?!
But it was easier to open it than to argue so I opened it, handed it back to her and said, "Ok, let mommy sleep - and shut the door when you leave."
She did but about 18 seconds later my OTHER daughter came in with a similar present that had also remained unopened until then.
I opened it, handed it back and she left, closing the door.
By then I was done and to be honest I couldn't say whether my husband had finished or had been completely derailed so it didn't matter 5 seconds later when my son threw opened the door and asked if he could join us in the "Everybody bed."
Normally we love it when the kids pile in but at that moment the bed was definitely NOT "rated E for Everyone" so we told him that we were still sleeping and would he mind coming back later?
He left and shut the door and then we lamented the moment when we got rid of cribs and gates and dreamt of installing a bedroom door lock.
Then he went to workout - and no I didn't ask him if our morning maritals had taken the fire out of his workout - because I totally don't care.
:)
Yes, bedroom door locks. Why do so many people not have them?
Posted by: joeinvegas | January 23, 2012 at 12:30 PM
Because then kids lock themselves inside rooms and you have to fiddle around with an ice pick and utter all sorts of words that you'd rather your kids didn't learn until they're thirty, all the while the kid's on the other side of the door working up into a full-on panic.
And by the time they get old enough that that's not an issue anymore, you have never gotten back round to installing a locking doorknob.
Ask me how I know.
Posted by: Dana | January 23, 2012 at 02:03 PM
My long-distance boyfriend visited me this weekend. Three glorious nights together after four weeks apart. Saturday night we got into bed, and he started cuddling me... Which is how we fall asleep together. Silly boyfriend. So I turned around, started kissing him, and then straddled him. Suddenly sleep was the last thing on his mind. ;)
Posted by: B.V. | January 23, 2012 at 02:11 PM
Our bedroom door has a lock that does NOT work. Please allow me to introduce my Valentine's Day present to my husband - the Walkabout Door Lock! I had one for work travel years ago and can't find it now. It's removable, easy to use and will keep my lovely if ill-timed children out of my room.
Posted by: EM | January 23, 2012 at 02:20 PM
Can I just say....I'm SO glad I don't have to play that game anymore. Kids are grown and gone, and it's just me and the hubs. Oh and a great time is had by all.
Posted by: Mary Hone | January 23, 2012 at 04:38 PM
I, honestly, cannot picture ever saying "sex would take the fire out of the workout."
But, the doors flying open? Yeah, I can picture that. All too well.
I'm glad there was a little somethin-somethin in your life. I remember coming back from a trip to London, and then having to work on an emergency work issue, immediately upon landing, after no small amount of teasing on the flight home. gah.
Posted by: John | January 24, 2012 at 10:59 AM