TSA Would Never Approve of Carmen

I spent last week in Amsterdam on business but managed to spend some time sightseeing and shopping.

I discovered Stroopwafels which are difficult to describe - but imagine a round sandwich with the top and bottom made from the same material as a waffel cone and filled with caramel.  A word of warning:  The first 15 are AMAZING.  The next 15, less so.  The thrid 15 are nauseating.

I discovered LUSH, a cosmetics store that uses all natural ingredients.  I AM LOVING their Chinese mud and Rosemary face scrub but punted on their mud mask when they told me it had to be kept refrigerated so it didn't grow mold.

I bought cute wooden shoes for my daughters and an AWESOME knit hat for my younger son.  My older son had his heart set on a snow globe so that's what he got.

And I bought a skin tight black shirt for my husband.  Oh, the shirt was for me to wear but it was a gift for my husband - if you get my point.

But the night before I left I felt bad returning home with nothing specifically for my husband.  He's into hunting and doesn't mind a relaxing smoke once in a while so I decided to get him this:

Which seemed like a FABULOUS idea while I was standing there in the red light district but revealed itself to be a VERY BAD idea the following day at airport security.

First, I went through Amsterdam airport security, which is essentially non-existent.  Then I walked through the airport in a DESPERATE search for a croissant.  Finally I went to my gate where I found "American security."

This was disastrous for a number of reasons.  First of all it meant that I couldn't carry any Diet Coke onto the plane.  For anyone with a substance abuse problem you know what I mean when I tell you that I was NOT HAPPY at the prospect of spending 8 hours with a rationed supply of Diet Coke - no matter how friendly and generous the Delta Flight Attendants were.

The next disaster occurred when I put my briefcase through the scanner and the TSA agent pulled it aside and asked, "Is this yours?"

Just as I was trying to figure out how to say, "It's a vibrator" in dutch, she pulled out the gift bag for my husband.

"It's metal?" she asked.

I nodded.

CRAP!  Busted for drug paraphernalia.

But there's no residue!  It's a tobacco grinder!

Foolish American.

The could not have cared less about my grinder's illicit purpose or past - they cared that it was shaped like bullets.

And the fact that it unscrewed completely - revealing nothing inside? 

Didn't matter.

And the fact that bullets without a gun are not really a threat?

Didn't matter.

So I asked them, "Well, can I put it in my luggage and check my luggage?"

"Nope."

"Can I go back through security and mail it to myself at home?"

"Nope."

So I left my bullet grinder at the TSA counter in Amsterdam.

And I learned a valuable lesson - DO NOT TAKE BULLET VIBES on airplanes!

Comments

[joeinvegas]

Did he take your vibe too?

Not a fan of airport security screenings here. They are more of a freakin' annoyance than something I view as saving me.

[Mary Hone]

That's pretty funny and tragic all at the same time.

[KTJ]

That's ridiculous! Why couldn't you put it in your luggage? Why couldn't you mail it to yourself? Petty bastards.

On a personal note, I once was stopped for having an unopened jar of nutella. Apparently some soccer star in Europe has the same last name as I do, so I bought the jar with the "soccer jersey" wrapper. Perfect for work, right? It already has my name on it! TSA counted it as a liquid. It remains forever stalled in Germany...

[Jessie Powell]

Asshats

[Heather!]

TSA once removed a couple of sex toys from our checked luggage...and never said a word about it. Got home and our tickle whip and pseudo-surgical wheel thingy (can't remember what it's called, but it feels niiiiice) were just gone. They are either huge prudes or freaky-freaky pervs. Infuriates me, though, that there was no explanation, and I certainly can't see WHY they'd have been confiscated. The luggage was checked; what could we have done with them?! Grrr.

[John]

That's absolutely ridiculous. Absolutely.

Though the present you got for your husband that you did get to take home sounds wonderful, and I highly doubt that he minded not having the tobacco grinder ;-)

[A Morning Grouch]

Oh! What a bummer ! And how ridiculous you can't mail it to yourself!

[cath]

kinda rigid about things aren't they? they remind me of my mom when I was a kid...she'd say no when it would have been easier to say yes...