A month ago we upgraded to the new iPhone 4s and turned our old 3G's into "Touches" for the kids. They're pretty much only allowed to use them on the weekends and last night my 8yo grabbed one and headed to his room.
He doesn't usually hang out in his room (we sort of discourage them from hanging out upstairs because they mainly get into stuff they shouldn't.)
Like YouTube "Teen Man Boobs."
Let me tell you, my husband was all prepared to go around beating his own chest and grunting "Men make men." when he realized my son was YouTubing something he shouldn't.
Until he saw the search bar.
When I heard the ensuing conversation, "We know you're curious but you need to ask us first - not go to the internet - we need to be able to trust you, yada yada." I have to admit, I thought it was porn.
After my husband told me, I "Ew"d appropriately and then immediately turned to the internet. "How do you parental control lock your iphone?" I asked Twitter.
They threw their hands up too.
It was dinnertime so I thought no more about it.
After the kids were in be I googled, "Parental control apps for iphone."
Directions popped up. (Go to Settings, Restrictions and then set the controls.) I followed them.
The safari icon disappeared from my phone. I went back in, I unlocked Safari.
Then I googled "XXX" to see if the ratings settings I applied blocked internet material.
It didn't - so I spent the next half hour watching porn.
Then I crawled into bed with my husband ready to perform porn star tricks but he was uncooperatively asleep and despite several loud coughs, sneezes and turning the light on "by mistake" he was not inclined to participate.
In fact, I only succeeded in irritating him enough that when I asked, "Well, would Carmen and I disturb you?" He "ARGHed" and said, "GO TO SLEEP." so I felt bad and went to sleep.
But - admit it - you love me because I am UNDAUNTED.
In the morning he got up to go to the bathroom and I hijacked him on his way past my side of the bed. He started to get into it, remembered his original mission and said, "I'll be right back."
Either I really was ready for a marthon session or he was thinking about it the whole time he was in there because when he came back to bed he was primed and ready.
I moaned, I groaned - Frankly I put on a porn star performance.
Which may have been the wrong route to take because he's not used to that and 45 seconds later it was over.
"MORE!" I commanded, "I'm not done."
He laughed. "I'm no spring chicken." he said.
"Well then thankfully they make battery operated chickens." I told him, reaching for my nightstand...
Battery-operated anything is great!!!
Posted by: DHARZA | November 07, 2011 at 09:57 AM
I do so love that you are undaunted!
Wish I were more like you.
Posted by: Jen {at} take2mommy | November 07, 2011 at 12:33 PM
Set the DNS addresses on your router to IPs from opendns.com. It's free and you can specify whatever category filters you want. It'll block any device on the network (phone, XBox, etc.). Or at least until your kids figure out how to set a custom DNS, which you can do to circumvent it on your own devices.
Posted by: Dan G | November 07, 2011 at 12:46 PM
Just came across your blog and totally loved this post..you are too funny! Porn on the iPhone...what's next?! But makes for a gold evening/morning!
Posted by: Mrs.Pancakes | November 07, 2011 at 03:15 PM
God bless battery operated chickens!! They have saved many marriages!! Think of the fights that would have ensued, out of sheer frustration, had it not been for our little friends!! Yeah for you for not giving up!!! : )))
Posted by: Wicked | November 07, 2011 at 03:37 PM
Being the techie I am, mobile broadband scares the bejeezus out of me. In the house, if you're using my wifi, I can see what you're looking at, and put a stop to certain keywords or phrases. But, if you're connecting straight to the mobile carrier . . . well, I have to trust the device, and I know a billion ways around a device.
Anywho . . . I hate it when "the moment" comes way too soon and you know there likely isn't another one in you (although, I do believe that's what god invented tongues and fingers for). Though I do love knowing that you're masturbating ;-)
Posted by: John | November 08, 2011 at 08:23 AM
Wait... can someone clarify something for me? What's wrong with YouTubing 'Teen Man Boobs?' Or... I mean, is that something I should, as a parent, discuss with my child? Or... I don't get it. Someone help me.
Posted by: Karen | November 12, 2011 at 12:03 AM