As God Is My Witness, I Thought Turkeys Could Fly...

I had to go to Cincinnati this week. 

On the plus side, I learned how to spell it.  On the down side, I can't imagine why I would ever need to.

It's not that Cincinnati was bad, it was just sort of boring.  Of course it didn't help that when I arrived it was pouring.  Or that AVIS was out of rental cars.  Or that in my hurry to get to the Hertz counter I left my iphone - full of vibrator tweets - on the AVIS counter. OR that the AVIS bus driver let me off across the street from Hertz and while I was dashing through traffic (and rain) to get inside I stepped in an 8" puddle of rainwater.  Wearing CROCS.

My socks got soaked (and yes I know I just admitted to wearing crocs with socks.  I have no dignity.)

The best part of my trip was the vibrator tweets.  You see, I just got a rechargeable bullet vibe and this was it's virgin trip.

To tell you the truth I was a little nervous about bringing it and almost didn't but a faithful reader reminded me that if I brought it I would have company and if I got busted by TSA I would have a great story. You're welcome.

The truth is that the trip to Cincinnati was fairly uneventful.  I put the vibrator in my briefcase with my mouse, my ipad and a host of other small electronics that you don't have to turn on at security.  But most importantly I was travelling alone which meant that if TSA DID pull me aside I could hiss, "It's a vibrator" and hope that they were more embarassed by me than I would be by them and I could go on my way. (That's my parenting strategy too.)

EXCEPT that while I was waiting in line for security I got an email from a reader in Alabama who told me that she was trying to buy a vibrator but apparently it's ILLEGAL to purchase sex toys in Alabama so no one would ship to her.

Which made me think, "Shit man, are vibrators legal in Kentucky?  What if I can get this thing INTO Nothern KY (no relation) but I can't get it out?"

So I started tweeting begging people to research the legality of sex toys in Cincinnati and Northern Kentucky and who has jurisdiction if you're caught with a vibrator at a TSA checkpoint because wouldn't that be a federal crime?

And there was NO WAY I wanted to go to Leavenworth for a vibrator - even though it is pretty fantastic.

So there were maybe 100 tweets about vibrators and the federal Penal code on my phone when the nice Northern Kentuckian lady found it - which may explain the funny/horrified look she gave me when she handed it back to me.

The rest of my visit to Cincinnati was pretty uneventful except for my first visit to a Cracker Barrel.

And then it was time to come home.

And I was travelling with my boss.

And apparently the TSA tv watcher lady was training someone new.

So I stood there with my boss as the bags went through the scanner... V.E.R.Y. S.L.O.W.L.Y

And then they came to my bad and stopped and spoke for a LONG time.  And all I could picture was them pulling me to the side and pulling it out and me blurting out, "Just throw it away!" 

Anyway, I sat there SWEATING for about 2 minutes wondering what I would do if she pulled the vibrator out in front of my boss - because, SERIOUSLY, what kind of a sex addict can't go away for 24 hours without a VIBRATOR?

Then they sent my bag all the way through and I grabbed it and they made the lady behind me go through the test where they swab the whole bag and I was SO HAPPY because I was literally sweating profusely and thought I was about to be humiliated, arrested and fired in the same minute.

YES, I know what this sort of anxiety attack is called, It's called "GUILTY CONSCIENCE."  Thank you CATHOLIC CHURCH.

Anyway, then I made it home perfectly safe and sound and I was so excited to tell you all this I let my husband go to bed alone so that I could tell you about my vibrator because I'm a moron like that.

THEN, because I was talking about Cincinatti, I wanted to put in a reference to the show WKRP in Cincinatti and I'm sure most of you haven't even seen it but I TOTALLY got sucked into the Thanksgiving episode and I almost peed in my pants because it's so effing funny.

Here you go...

 

Comments

[Musicgirl77]

OMG, I thought of that episode the moment I read your post title!! Between WKRP, Friends and M*A*S*H, I can make reference to nearly any situation in any given day. WKRP ROCKED!

[Judy @ Late Mommy's Blog]

Your title made me laugh out loud. I love that episode of WKRP! Just thinking of it makes me giggle! Illegal to purchase sex toys in Alabama? Wow! I wonder how many women cross state lines or have friends bring them back to them?

[ellen]

I think that was my favorite episode of WKRP! What fun to see it again.

[Deacon Blue]

Love WKRP! One of my favorite shows of all time. Want to stock up on DVDs of it, along with my Maude ones, Barney Miller ones and Taxi ones...

[Deacon Blue]

BTW, wild turkeys CAN fly. Had a trio of them in wooded area right behind our house a few months ago. At first, I thought they were huge-ass hawks and my wife was afraid to go outside.

Oh, and glad you weren't arrested for unlawful possession of a concealed sex toy (EGADS! gasp!)

[improperly forward]

What, in the holy hell, in this day and age can be so bad about vibrators that they are illegal to purchase? Doesn't someone have something better to do than make freaking NECESSITIES illegal? I mean, for shit's sake, are they serious?
(And I'm sorry you wrote such a hilarious post and that's all I can focus on here but, What. The. Fuck, ALABAMA?!)

[alaina]

we should start an underground sex toy railroad to Alabama and all of those unfortunate states. no one should be deprived of vibrators.

[Jessie Powell]

You mentioned all three of the states I have lived in in your post. I come from Ohio, moved to Kentucky, and am now in Alabama. Scary, that. And I'm flying from Alabama to Kentucky to get to Cincinnati today. Doubly scary.

Sex toy stores are just very creative in Alabama. You will find a tremendous number of personal massagers if you go to Love Stuff.

[Bizcommunicator]

I remember this episode and it is a pee-in-the-pants laugh! Thanks for the reminder. And you remind me of how I had my diaphragm wrapped in a kleenex in my handbag (because I forgot the case) when I had to go through a courthouse security checkpoint. I had jumped into the bathroom to take it out before I went in because it was bugging me and you know how you had to leave them in a certain amount of time after sex - ugh, I hated those. Anyway, they DID see it, and I WAS humiliated (Catholic, too) and your post had me peeing in my pants laughing remembering the whole thing, plus WKRP! What a great show that was!

[Kerrijack]

This is my very favorite episode of television in the whole world. I cry every time I see it.

[Ken]

One of the all-time best comedies ever! Thanks for the memory!!