So last week I'm sitting in my office and, out of the corner of my eye, I see something go by my office window. And then I hear knocking.
I've been shopping on Amazon lately like it's my actual JOB, so I figure it's the FedEx guy but when I went to the door, no one was there.
So I came back up to my office and sat down and heard the damn knocking again.
Now it's TOTALLY fair if the neighborhood kids are ding-dong-ditching my house because my 7yo ditches old ladies but this happened in the middle of the day - and they didn't ring the bell.
When I went over to the window and looked out - something HUGE flew right by the screen and I jumped back and shrieked. It was a WOODPECKER and he had been pecking right outside my window.
Yesterday I heard the noise again but it wasn't outside my window. I walked around the house trying to determine where it was coming from found him happily pecking away at the siding by the driveway. I threw a rock at him. It missed him but it hit my husband's car. OOPS.
Today I was home working all day. I was congratulating myself with the fact that I hadn't heard him all day and decided to take a 5 minute break to "release some tension" (if you know what I mean.)
I was home alone and my bedroom was sunny and quiet and the bed was soft and welcoming. Just as I was about to "REACH MY DESTINATION" as it were, all I could hear was KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK.
I was so pissed off that I completely lost my focus and couldn't get it back.
I figured that if my private interlude was ruined I could at least release some tension by smashing the woodpecker with a rock so I went outside, picked up a rock and ran to the side of the house.
He was a majestic bird with lots of plumage in a gorgeous blue color. But this was war. I took aim and fired - and missed by a mile.
He looked at me as if to say, "You wasted an orgasm for that?" and then flew away anyway with a pitying look on his face.
I got a little closer to the house and saw a 3" HOLE in the siding. It's up too high for me to see how bad it is but I can tell you one thing.
Imma get that little blue pecker.
Update: I thought that the words "little blue pecker" would be enough to let everyone know that was kidding - but I've gotten a couple of comments begging me to spare the little guys life so I wanted to make sure you knew that even if I were inclined to harm the bird (which I'm not - he's only doing his thing and I have to take responsibility for the apparently abundant supply of insects in my siding) I don't even know how you "get" a bird. I can't shoot at my own house!?!
So, no fear. The pecker stays. The 3" hole, however, has GOT to go.
Get a fake owl. They sell them at the hardware store. You have to move it every few days, but it actually works.
Posted by: SingleishMom | October 21, 2011 at 09:56 AM
LOL...the woodpecker crossed the wrong person...
Posted by: DHARZA | October 21, 2011 at 01:46 PM
I'm sorry for both the hole in your house and the lack of O. 'Peckers can be gorgeous right up until they become annoying.
Posted by: Debt_Princess | October 21, 2011 at 02:10 PM
A BB gun is much easier hit him with...just sayin'
Posted by: Bruehaha Bandit | October 21, 2011 at 04:57 PM
I love the blog... but hate that you are talking about killing a poor animal! Are you serious!??!
Posted by: Eve | October 21, 2011 at 05:54 PM
The pecker drilled a three inch hole? Impressive.
Posted by: Doug Stephens | October 21, 2011 at 10:47 PM
I would kill the bastard just for wrecking the Orgasm myself...I have one smashing away at my house right now too, the woodpecker I mean, and I have aluminum siding, I am gonna guess they aren't all that smart. Good luck with your hunting :)
Posted by: The Redneck Princess | October 22, 2011 at 12:08 AM
Please don't kill the bird. Scare it off but please don't kill it.
Posted by: carol anne | October 22, 2011 at 03:37 AM
I'm such an adolescent... just trying to write the word pecker makes me giggle! I've heard that setting up a sprinkler to spray on the house where they are can deter them and that they also don't like shiny things. Ummmm... Don't think that you should harm the pecker (teehee), though, cause I'm pretty sure that's a federal offense... Only in a traditionally patriarchal society would there be federal laws protecting peckers (hee! I said it again)!
Posted by: A | October 22, 2011 at 10:12 AM
I would take that bird to court! Did u get his information?lol;)
Posted by: MangoChutney | October 23, 2011 at 01:30 AM
You know, I'm not sure I'd beg you to spare the pecker's life . . . if it's a matter of a bird and my home, I'm choosing the home, every time.
If you do find out how to remove a woodpecker humanely, can you post?
Posted by: John | October 24, 2011 at 08:24 AM
A whole other meaning to woody woodpecker, love it!
Posted by: hpretty | October 24, 2011 at 04:13 PM