G-Spot: The List

This post comes from my friend Debi , Truthful Mommy, from The TRUTH about Motherhood (www.motherhoodthetruth.com).

I wish I could say I had no idea what she's talking about - and so does my husband.  I can't tell you how many times I've crawled into bed - FINALLY - only to hop back up 6 or 7 times to add to my todo list for the following day.

Enjoy the post - and please show Debi some comment love.

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Seems more and more often lately, I’ve been finding myself in the most advanced stages of sleep deprivation. I wish I could blame it on late nights of steamy sex with my Big Guy in the conjugalorium. I wish I could blame it on a colicky newborn, no who am I kidding, no way in hell do I wish I could blame it on a colicky newborn. I can’t even blame it on a baby that needs to be breastfed on the regular. No feverish child. No worrisome thought or situation that needs my immediate attention. No, it’s much worse than that. My near fatal case of sleep deprivation is caused by my incessant need to make list of all the things that I perpetually need to not forget to do. The moment my head hits the pillow, every single thought of the day comes rushing to the surface and I lie there with my eyes wide open as the lists appears in every direction I look. Apparently, in my house, the hours between 11 pm and 1 am are the time period in which I get my one and only reprieve from Mommy brain.

These are not wish lists; groceries lists or even work lists. No, they are life lists.  You know the list of all the shit that any mother has to do the next day, compounded by all the things I don’t want to forget, mix in some groceries, a laundry list of paperwork to be returned to schools, drop offs and pick ups, baths, errands, classes, obligations, play dates, fruit market, work, envelopes for church to be filled, parent teacher meetings, auditions, uniforms to be pressed, lunches to be made, bills to schedule, cards to mail, birthdays, anniversaries, funerals and weddings and oh yeah, all the things that I must remember not to forget to make sure that my kids don’t end up in ten years worth of therapy because I forgot to put dress down day on the fucking LIST!

Must Remember to:

Buy organic milk. Get shoes out of trunk. Bobby pins. Sign up to volunteer. Talk to teacher. Wash jeans sparkly jeans and peace sign shirt (long sleeve not short sleeve) for dress down day. Dress down day. Girl Scouts. Pick up tickets for the ballet. Pick up deodorant for husband. Buy birthday gift for Suzy. Take dog to vet. Call sister to wish happy birthday. Buy shampoo. And conditioner. Oh yeah, Dress down day. Tell husband car is making funny noise. Call the mechanic. Confirm lunch date with friend. Find a new gynecologist. Call the insurance company about bill for unknown service. Refill blood pressure medicine. Dress down day. Make healthy lunch for girls. Go to the grocery store to buy healthy food, everything in pantry is crap. Call my mom. Ask doctor for Xanax. Put gas in the car. Do homework with Ella. Make cookies for bake sale. Milk the cows. Go to bakery. Buy cookies. Feed the chickens. Ballet. Iron shirts for husband. Shit! Show up for work. Shave legs. Wax lip. Breathe. Buy wine. Answer emails. Drink wine. Meet husband for intimate time in spare room. Teach Abbi the alphabet. Get girls to sleep in their own beds. Dress down day. Return field trip permission slip. Play date with neighbor. Piano. Student of the week. Zoo. Write a book. Take a nap. Take a shower. Eat. Rinse. Repeat. Hug the kids. Chicago. Halloween costumes. Birthday. Dress. Down. Day!

That’s a Monday. If I could just forget all of the things that I need to remember, I could have an 87% chance of surviving my stage 4 sleep deprivation. As it stands, just when I think I’ve forgotten it all and I’ve resigned myself over to the peaceful bliss of Mommy brain, I remember every thought, errand and conversation of the day. Again, I find myself wide-awake at the wee hours of the night. How can I be expected to raise proper little people with all these damn lists running through my head and holding sleep hostage? Tonight, I’ll have a glass of wine (or two) and pray for the list to get lost on its journey. Mommy brain, don’t fail me now.

 

Comments

[Book4MyDaughter]

Your list nearly gave me an anxiety attack. My list looks almost identical—just take out "dress down day" and add in "money for ice cream day." You really captured that feeling of anxiety that rushes over us when it's finally quiet.

In all honesty, I had my doctor prescribe a very low-dose anti-anxiety pill just to take when I seriously can't shut my brain off. The reality is, I know, no pill will make the endless list go away—it may just let you get the sleep you need to do again the next day. Just an idea.

Thanks for sharing—it's really wonderful.

[filigreegirl]

And after all your effort, which often seems unnoticed and mundane, you will send your children off to college. If you're lucky, they will go far enough away so they cannot come home on weekends with out cash outlay and planning, which will limit their visits. You will be left alone, and your list will change. It will become shorter but much more intense. It will be a list of all of your imagined parenting failures, like the dress-down day that you forgot to prepare for or the day you ran out of gas on the way to ballet classes, or the grilled cheese sandwich supper when you didn't have enough cheese to go around because you forgot to pick it up at the store, or heaven forbid, sent one of your daughters to school with a fever because she didn't feel hot to your hand. And now you wonder which forehead you were actually feeling. Discard that list. Begin the new list. 1. Write every morning. 2. Thank God you love your college-aged children and that they have forgiven you for ironing the short-sleeved shirt instead of the long-sleeved shirt. By the way - you actually iron? Your a goddess in my book.

[Tom B. Taker]

I understand. Like most lists I've seen like this, you forgot at least one important item: Making time for #1.

That's probably the most important thing to remember of all.

[Truthful Mommy]

@Filigreegirl
Thanks for the reminder:) I am already dreading when my girls go away to college. My husband has already resigned himself that we will be moving to the east coast to be closer to the girls at their respective ivy league institutions:)
I do iron....not very well, but in a crunch I can remove some wrinkles from a uniform and a leotard! Thanks for the commiseration and perspective!

[Carpool Goddess]

My to-do comes to me right before I go to bed. It's the only time I can think, since the house is finally quiet. The list is never ending.

[Truthful Mommy]

@Carpool Goddess
I know and then I can;t sleep. It's a vicious. Basically, the end result is I never get to sleep unless forced. Last night I was sick and exhausted and I fell asleep while getting the girls to sleep.Best 10 hours of sleep..EVER!

[pauline]

Yep, that's too true. I used to think mommy brain was forgetting everything because giving birth seemed to suck all my brain cells out. Now I think mommy brain is really not being able to turn off the brain. I know my husband doesn't stay awake thinking of a list like this but I do!! Don't worry, you are so not alone!

[Truthful Mommy]

@Pauline,
I think Mommy brain is my savior so that I don't obsess about my lists all day long:)LOL

[susan]

is that ALL that's on your list:)
why do we put ourselves through it..seriously!

sitting here looking at my gargantuan to-do list. and pouring some more coffee...

[Truthful Mommy]

@Susan,
It's really not all that was on my list but it wasn't bed time so I couldn't remember everything when I was writing the post:)LOL

[Martha aka Momsoap]

I cannot relate to this in the slightest. I would shoot myself or get divorced. Some days, being a single work at home mom is better than the status quo. I have a shitty car that I am just happy that it runs. It makes funny noises all the time. I ignore them. But I sleep at night, mostly. I have one kid. And I don't get laid. But I sleep. And I have small to-do lists. They always get done. Life is good.

[Cat]

I think I had mommy brain before I had a child. Part of it was growing up in a military household and part of it is knowing I have medical issues that interfere with sleep and memory anyway.

But I can SO relate ... even though I only have one child and he's not yet in school. I make lists of things to remember, things to research, things I want to do, things I wish I COULD do, reasons why I'm a horrible mommy (mostly dealing with my health issues), reasons why I'm a horrible wife (see above), world peace, the nuclear arms race, wine, getting wine ....