BloggingDangerously

If You Think My Toothbrush is Dangerous, You Should See My Vibrator...

I'm in Detroit.  I've been here since Tuesday.  I'm not really sure what day it is right now.

My confusion has nothing to do with Detroit but with some serious sleep deprivation.

I typically lose about 30 minutes of sleep every night and try to make it all up on Sunday morning but this past Saturday was my daughter's last Soccer game at 8am (I coach) and Sunday was Father's Day so I didn't get to catch up.

Then Monday night at 11:45pm - just as I was wrapping up a couple of blog posts - my 8yo got out of bed and puked all over the hallway floor.  I threw a bucket at him, cleaned up the floor, threw him in the shower and then took a sink bath myself.  I crawled into be at about 1am.

I got up with the kids for their second to last day of school and then left for the airport.  I landed in Detroit at 5:30, went out to dinner at 7, got back to the hotel at 11 and met my team for breakfast at 6am.

What's my name again?

Anyway, here's a funny story that happened at the airport.  I didn't pull my toothpaste out of my suitcase.  I pulled out my perfume but I left the gels inside.  They pulled my bag out of the line and someone went through it item by item.  When he got to my electric toothbrush he held up the carrying case and looked at me like, "What is this?"

And I said, "it's a toothbrush" and I swear he breathed a deep sigh of relief.

The funny thing is that before I left I thought - I'm so tired a nice "O" would be a great way to end the day in my hotel room - I'm sure no one will search my bag!

And then I chickened out.

Leave me a comment and tell me what you think about the vibrator in the carryon... Mainstream or Contraban?

I will say that I was VERY glad it was a toothbrush the way he was waving it around the terminal.

PS I'm sorry if this post is incoherent.  I'm going to bed now.

What a difference 've Made

We were hanging out at the beach Sunday night and to celebrate Father's Day, my husband grabbed a 12 pack of beer from the store.

As we sat down to dinner my 7 year old son looked at the empties piling up by the sink and said, "DAD! Look at all the bottles you've drunk!" 

But what I heard, and what I repeated so that my husband would hear was, "Yeah, Look at all the bottles. You DRUNK!"

Luckily he laughed.

---

And when I drove home the kids asked, "Why is Mom driving?" and so he told them, "Well, I've been drinking beer.  And what do you NEVER do?"

And my 6 year old said, "You NEVER get in a car with someone who's been drinking! And you never drive if you've been drinking - You call MOM and she'll come get you!"

EXACTLY.

They Need An App For That...

Whenever I say something like, "The kids aren't listening to me." or "It's hard to hear in here." my husband thinks it's funny to respond with, "What?"

EVERY FUCKING TIME.

It couldn't be more annoying.

Oh, wait, yes it could because he's now taught this "Funny" thing to the children.

If you ever see the headline, "Hard of hearing husband, stabbed by wife" you'll know it's me.

So we're in the car Saturday morning and I say, "Can we turn the radio down because it's hard to hear the kids." and he asks, "What?"

And I'm thinking, "KNIFE.KNIFE.KNIFE.KNIFE.KNIFE." but I look down so he can't see the bloodlust in my eyes and notice my iphone on my lap and I have a BEAUTIFUL, BLISSFUL vision and I say to him, "You know what app they need? A taser."

 

Sex Homework: Summer Sextice! (#SummerSextice)

Last year, when I'd only been blogging for about 3 months and had roughly 16 followers I tried to get everyone to use those extra daylight hours for something FUN!

SOME of you embraced the idea, some of you laughed.  But there DEFINTELY wasn't the impromptu orgy in the streets that I'd envisioned.

So this year I'm assigning it as your homework...

CARPE DIEM! (Seize the Day!) and seize your partner and celebrate  like a pagan!

And if you're on Twitter get people talking #SummerSextice

2nd Grade Physics

It's always been our policy to answer questions the kids ask to the best of our ability.  Sometimes this leads to long winded explanations on evolution that leave the kids asking, "Now that you've RUINED the monkey exhibit for us, can we go look at the zebras?"

But my son is almost 9.  You'd think he'd have learned by now.

Tonight, in the car he asked, "Did you guys know that sound travels faster in a solid than in air?"

So my husband said, "Yes, because in a solid the molecules are closer together and so the energy is transferred more easily from one to the other."

And I said, "Think about it this way, if someone is running around a huge room, with only a couple of people in it, he probably wouldn't bump into them.  But if the room were PACKED FULL and he was running around, he'd probably bump into a lot of people."

And my husband added, "Not only THAT, but the people he bumped into would bump into OTHER people."

And then, understanding, my son yelled, "Like the LUNCH LINE!"