BloggingDangerously

What Were They Thinking?

I went to my 4 year old daughter's end of the year "show" on Wednesday.  It consisted of three skits followed by refreshments.

One of the skits was about three hungry cats.  It went like this...

One day three OLD PEOPLE were making gruel in pots.  They realized that they needed sugar so they asked their cats to stir the gruel for them while they went to get the sugar.

The cats tasted the gruel and tasted the gruel and tasted the gruel until it was all gone.  Then they at the pots.

Then the OLD PEOPLE came back and said, "You are SO FAT. What have you been eating?"

And the cats said, "We ate the gruel and we ate the pots and now we're going to eat you!" and they eat the old people.  (the children playing the old people disappear under a table cloth.)

Then another group of people come and said to the cats, "You are SO FAT! What have you been eating?"

And the cats said, "WE ate the gruel and we ate the pots and we ate the old people and now we are going to eat you!"  And the group disappears under the tablecloth.

Then my daughter walks up and throws her hands to her cheeks and yells, "HOLY SMOKES! (adlib) You are SO FAT! What have you been eating?"

And the cats answer and eat her up and eat up a couple more kids and then some woodcutters come and hack the cats to pieces and out come all the children as right as rain.

And as this is all happening I'm picturing myself in the grocery store with my 4yo and I'm imagining us walking down the aisle past someone who is overweight and in the back of my mind I can hear her saying, "HOLY SMOKES! YOU ARE SO FAT! WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN EATING???"

Of course my 6yo's teacher called me today because he said "FUCK" at the lunch table so I guess "FAT" isn't as bad as it could be.

All of this reminds me of a hilarious "What kids say" story I heard once...

A mom and her three daughters were at the grocery store when the youngest daughter says, "MOM, look at that FAT lady."

The second daughter looks and says, "She's not FAT, she's PREGNANT."

The third daughter looks and says, "She's MUCH to OLD to be PREGNANT, She's just FAT."

And of course the mother crawled away.

OK, have a great weekend.  I am planning to drink a lot, have a lot of sex and(COMPLETELY UNRELATED - I can't believe I even have to Caveat this...) , oh yeah, have 25, 6yo girls over for a soccer party in the pouring rain.  Should be fun.

At least I hope to have great stories for you Monday.

Hugs and wet sloppy kisses,

Kit

Sex Homework: F- & other random thoughts.

SADLY last week's homework required 4 working elbows and my husband and I had but 3. 

Combine that with HIS percocet, my EXHAUSTION, his going to be early, my HARRY POTTER ADDICTION, and some female stuff and, WELL, let's just say I'm COUNTING THE MINUTES til the RAPTURE.

(Leave a comment and let me know how your homework went.  Be GRAPHIC, I'm horny. (j/k! no, I'm not)

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ALSO, I think I met a new best friend today.  My 4 year old's preschool class put on a show and I sat down beside a woman who I don't know very well.  At the end of the show the teacher got up and told us to help ourselves to the refreshments on the side table.  The woman's 2 year old daughter looked at her and said, "I'll go get you some wine, mommy."

Makes my former Diet Coke addiction look socially acceptable, doesn't it?

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I'm looking for some people to send me guest posts for my G-Spot section.  (If you've already sent something, I've clearly misplaced it, please resend.)  Click here to see past contributions.

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It's been 45 degrees and rainy here all week.  I'm having 25, 6 year old girls over to my house on Sunday for a soccer birthday party.  Send dry thoughts.  (I bet you never thought you'd hear me say that!)

Love,

Kit

Marriage Counseling

For a long time I've realized that there are at most only 2 or three things that people fight about in a marriage.

ISSUE #1  The first thing that people argue about is time.  It's hard to grow up - we have to do a lot of things that we don't necessarily want to do.  Some things - like mowing the lawn - may be the husband's job.  And some things may be the wife's job.  But once you have kids, there is such a constant barrage of work that the line of who had to do what become very, very blurry and you both have to do what you can.  Which is where the trouble starts.  If I'm helping the kids with their baths, and he's playing on the computer I may resent it.  If I'm on Twitter and he's doing their homework he may resent it.  The key is not to turn it into something bigger with ISSUE #2

ISSUE #2 Respect.  The way that you treat each other when you're upset can be much more significant than whatever you're fighting about.  There is a couple that we spend a lot of time with that scream at each other when they fight - even with people around.  I can barely stand it - I don't know how they can get past some of the things I've heard them say to each other.  No matter how upset you are, don't say anything you'll cringe to remember later.

ISSUE #3 Teamwork. The minute respect goes out the window people start to get defensive - and when you're defensive it's hard to remember that you're on the same team.  If you can remember that you're trying to achieve the same goals it will be easier to put your argument aside and work together to find a solution that works for both of you.

I am not telling you this because I think that I am the marriage expert.  I am telling you this because there MAY have been some yelling in my house yesterday morning that reminded me of all of this.

Love,

Kit

Writing Assignment: Six Word Stories

Good news!  My husband got his cast off today and I finished the Harry Potter series.  Hopefully this means that I'll be writing about sex again in no time!

In the mean time... I love this writing assignment because it's a quick way to bring some creativity into my brain.

Sometimes it's so easy to argue that the kids schedule is too busy, or work is too crazy or I'm too tired to write - and then I remember that writing isn't always about word count (despite what my batty 6th grade English teacher would have me think)  - but about content.

So give me something good.

I'll start:

Elbow only broken.  Batteries? Very Dead.

The Crazy in My Head: The Empathy Edition

I NEVER cry.

I thought I might cry at my wedding - but no.  Not a single tear.

I thought I might cry when my children were born - and I will say that a single tear christened each one of them - perhaps two.  But definitely not more than two.

There are weeks that seem to last years - with professional disappointments and sick children and more and my brow furrows and I get VERY, VERY focused but cry? No.

I cried when my grandfather died.  He was like a father to me and I was not married when it happened.  And I miss him every day.

But my grandmother who was more of a friend to me - when she died a couple of years later I had gotten married and had a son and I realized that it was the circle of life and I may have shed a tear or two but not more.

But four years ago I was sitting in my livingroom and found out that my husband had cheated on my and my daughter had an incurable disease and I bawled like a baby.

And then Grey's Anatomy cut to commercial and my husband came into the room and looked at me sobbing and said, "What's wrong?"

And I tearfully told him about the cheating husband and the dying daughter and he looked at me as if I were posessed and said, "You know it's tv? Right?"

I nodded.  Sobbing.

Thank GOD for the writer's strike a few years ago.  If the Grey's season hadn't been interrupted halfway through I was going to have to start taking xanax.

When the strike was over I swore off tv - except for Criminal Minds.

One night earlier this year I sat on my couch with adrenaline coursing through my veins.  I was so agitated that I thought I might be sick and my heart was pounding.  My husband asked me a question and I couldn't answer him because SOMEONE WAS ABOUT TO DIE!!!

Then I asked him to turn off the series recording I had set on our DVR.

I read half of the second "Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" book because I walked around for three days with a feeling of DREAD and couldn't figure out why until I realized that I wanted to throw up everytime I looked at the book jacket.  (It turns out that I was afraid for her safety.)

And this week I BAWLED while reading the Harry Potter books.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Why don't I cry when things are really tough?  But I find it so overly easy to empathize?

Today my husband said, "You haven't smiled much lately."

And he's right.  Work has been frustrating.  The kids spring sports schedule has been busy.  My husband's surgery has put more responsibility on me and if someone's not careful Voldemort is going to kill us all!

I'm 205 pages from the end of the last Harry Potter book.  I wrote a few weeks ago that he'd stolen my mojo.  Turns out he's stolen my emotions as well.

I'm looking forward to having my life back!

P.S. Quarter to midnight and I finished.  Tears are, of course, streaming down my face and I am emotionally exhausted.  Please remind me not to do that again.