What's the difference between Newlywed Sex and Old Married Sex?
Newlywed sex is where you have sex in every room of the house and Old Married Sex is when you pass each other in the hall and say, "Fuck you."
After a series of events - including elbow surgery, Harry Potter addiction, female problems, EXHAUSTION - that had us counting the WEEKS since the last time instead of the HOURS, this past weekend was supposed to be our reunion.
It didn't happen Friday. I was in my office icing my ass (okay, my hip) in preparation for a 5K race on Sunday, and celebrating #wineparty and he was indulging a pretty hardcore iphone monopoly addiction in the tv room. Then he went to bed and fell asleep before I had even finished brushing my teeth.
An inauspicious start.
Saturday was more promising. I took my 5 year old - Actually she's 6 as of 11:52 this morning! - to soccer and then to the grocery store. Then I took my 4 year old over to the beach (I can't WAIT to show you beach photos!) As we headed out to the car the mailman pulled up and hopped out of his truck - "A package for you!" he yelled. I was annoyed because it wasn't for me and I didn't want to leave it in my car and it made me have to run back into the house.
If I'd known what was IN the package? I would have felt differently.
I got home from the beach in time for my husband to take the boys to baseball. They came home and sat at the kitchen table to play legos. I stood at the center island and planned my daughter's party for the following day. My husband rubbed up against me. The kids were in the room so I non-chalantly turned toward the sink. As I turned back I reached out and grabbed him. My hand was hidden by the center island but his reaction wasn't! He had that LOOK in his eyes.
"Kids," I said, "Go play outside for 6 minutes."
The look vanished. "Six minutes!" he feigned indignation.
"A GOOD six minutes." I said. "I'll be lucky if it's 6 minutes after all this time." I thought to myself.
Despite all of his broken old-man parts he managed to kick me (gently) in the behind.
It jiggled.
(NOTE: This is why I run. It will NOT be jiggly by blogher. )
So THEN we had dinner, and THEN we put the kids to bed and THEN we had date night - which consisted of me playing Words with Friends and him playing the aforementioned Monopoly on his phone - swearing his head off at the device because apparently it cheats.
And then it was adult bed time. And I knew what was planned to I grabbed a new flavor of lubricant from my dresser drawer. We retired to the bed and he showed me what had come in the package I had reluctantly delivered earlier in the day. I was no longer reluctant.
I had already grabbed Carmen and at the risk of providing too much information, she and the new guy (for he's decidedly MALE,) got along swimmingly.
Although it WAS touch and go for a minute. You see, I applied the new lubricant and turned back to my husband for a kiss but a burning sensation below got my attention quickly.
"What is this firewater I just applied to my privates?" I demanded.
He laughed. It didn't help. Luckily the burning was short lived. Or I was distracted. One of those.
I was so preoccupied with everything that was going on that I forgot to time whether or not he lasted 6 minutes.
But either way I was right. It was a GOOD SIX MINUTES.
I also enjoyed a good six minutes this morning. OK, it only took about two -- but it's literally been several months since the last time. Reading your blog, I mean. It's nice to be back. Hope you're good (and being bad!)
Posted by: AlexanderDope | May 23, 2011 at 12:33 PM
I'm still back at " at the risk of providing too much information" ... and now protesting the need for a thoroughly open policy here Kit!!!
Posted by: Mike | May 23, 2011 at 02:20 PM
Since when have you been concerened about providing too much information? That why I read your blog!
Posted by: Just K | May 23, 2011 at 09:10 PM
You get the good married sex. I get the hall pass..I wish I had TMI to share!
Posted by: Coffee Lovin' Mom | May 23, 2011 at 11:22 PM
It's the quality, not the quantity . . . and six minutes is something special after such a long dry spell (sorry for the pun).
Kit, with the way you're talking about your running, you won't have a single jiggling bit that isn't specifically set to jiggle by Blogher.
Posted by: John | May 24, 2011 at 08:55 AM
I'm
delightedashamed to admit that your post made me horny. It was no longer a dry spell when I got home. But I think we lasted more like 4 minutes or 3 ...Posted by: TropicallyAnon | May 24, 2011 at 05:54 PM
The opening joke had me laughing out loud. So true.
Great post
M2M
Posted by: hpretty | June 10, 2011 at 12:49 PM