BloggingDangerously

Sex Homework: YES, YES, OH GOD YES!

My husband seriously believes that sex is all about the law of large numbers - that is to say that if he asks me to have sex 1 MILLION times per day - he will probably get it about 3 times a week.

What I don't think he realizes is that this has me VERY MUCH in the habit of saying, "no" without really considering the question. 

The problem is that since he asks me at times when I absolutely can't - like when I'm bending over to empty the dishwasher, or bending over to get lettuce out of the crisper, or bending over to tie my shoes (do you see the pattern?) - "No" becomes my go-to answer.

For example, today was a VERY slow day at work.  My mom showed up at noon to take the girls to lunch and the boys were at school so it was just the two of us in the house.  I think he suggested sex 8 times between noon and when my mom came home at 2.  If we discussed the question for a minute each time he brought it up - and ended up not doing it - we could have had sex 2 or 3 times in the amount of time we spent discussing how we were not going to have sex.

I said no because I felt like I had work to do - but the truth is that I could have given in and added 6 minutes to my day.  What a waste!

So I'm resolving to listen to the question and seriously consider it before I say no.  And just because every single item is not crossed off my todo list - doesn't mean I can't indulge.

So for your homework I'm encouraging you to try saying "YES" instead of no.  (And for you singles out there - this means taking some "time for yourself" if you know what I mean.)

And don't forget to leave a comment and tell me if saying yes puts a spring in your step AND adds 6 minutes to your day!

Note: husband if you're reading this - it doesn't mean that I'm going to give in EVERY time you ask - so don't up the requests to TWO million times per day please.

* Amusing aside - Myhusband just came in and gave me "the look" and I had to tell him no so that I could finish this post!

 

 

The Crazy In My Head: Attitude Adjustment

Thursday night I was in one of those anxious panicky moods that my husband hates because it means that neither of us are going to get any sleep - and not in a good way.

Everything was making me cranky - work was too slow - not enough sales but work was also too busy - too much to do and a certification test to take on Friday afternoon from 3-4. 

I haven't sold as much as I would have liked so income is down while expenses - namely food and fuel are most definitely up.

We need to have some work done to our summer house before - oh crap - it's already summer.  And I need to have quite a bit of work done to my "real" house as soon as - oh right, as soon as we have "extra" money to do it.

My neighbor friends were angry at me but I had no idea why and another friend had neglected to invite my son to her son's birthday party.

The lawn needed to be mowed, there was laundry to be done.  We needed groceries for the week.  My back was killing me but I didn't get to run, etc. etc. etc. and there you go - rolling your eyes just like my husband did and begging - "Can we please get some sleep?"

WHO THE HELL CAN SLEEP AT A TIME LIKE THIS?

And then Friday came and I crammed for my certification test.  It went okay but most importantly is was over.  And seconds after it was over I yelled, "LET'S GO TO THE BEACH" and we did.

We picked up pizza on the way and sat 20 feet from the surf eating pizza and drinking Diet Coke and all was right with the world.

Saturday I stood with my feet in the water (FREEZING!) thinking, "OMG! There is SO MUCH SUMMER LEFT and I am SO HAPPY!"

Monday, after three days at the beach with nothing more stressful to deal with than what was lurking in the depts of our tidepool I am feeling much better.

The deal that was KILLING me on Friday seems more manageable and more likely to close.  The work on my house that seemed like it needed to be done yesterday now seems like it can wait until tomorrow.

It's amazing what a three day weekend in your favorite place can do.

What did you do this weekend?  And what is your favorite place?

Have you ever been to Cape Cod?

 

Memorial Day

Happy Memorial Day.  I hope that wherever you are enjoying your hot dogs and hamburgers you are having a wonderful time.

We will be at a Memorial Day parade in the morning and at the beach in the afternoon.

But I would like to take this moment to thank everyone who has served in the United States armed forces - including my handsome husband.

And I would like to thank our current servicemembers and their spouses and children who support them.

And I would like to thank all of those who have given the ultimate sacrifice.  You are not forgotten.

 

Hand Creaming is SO Old Fashioned: A Rebuttal

Earlier this week my friend Carole wrote a blog post that you sort of need to read for this post to make any sense.  Go ahead.  I'll be here when you get back...

Anyway, as you read, she argues that you shouldn't need a battery operated boyfriend to do what God gave you two perfectly good hands to accomplish on your own.

As you can imagine, I completely disagree (for a multitude of reasons but let's stick to vibrators and leave religion out of it.)

First of all, Carole mentions that vibrators can't replace the smell and feel of a lover.  I completely agree with this and 95% of the time I would NEVER prefer a plastic pal to my flesh and blood (and musky) husband.  (The other 5% of the time is when I'm too tired to keep up my end of the bargain and am looking for the quick endorphin rush to send me off to dreamland.)  Of course, plastic pals can AUGMENT a perfectly wonderful sexual relationship and help you experience things that two people don't have the equipment (or arm length) to accomplish on their own.

Carole also argues that using your hand is an opportunity to build your sexual practice and help you achieve multiples.  Let me say that FOR ME, multiples are not an issue and the intensity of the waves is such that I really can't concentrate on what I'm supposed to be doing when it hits.  So if I'm trying to ride that wave, leaving me in charge of the manipulation is tantamount to a MAJOR WIPEOUT.  This is also why I can't have sex standing up. (I fall over at climax. Please stop laughing - people have been hurt.)

This is also why I'm terrible at 69.  One minute we're going hot and heavy and the next minute I am floating among the clouds, doing somersaults and when I finally come back to earth all I can think about is "What the hell is this thing in my mouth?"

I am however, EXTREMELY interested in the The Tenga Egg from Amazon  - and not just because with a low, low price of $6.40 it will come in handy in avoiding shipping charges!

Just be sure to use it sitting down.

What Did the Lion Say to the Zebra?

 
This is what it was like here today and it's supposed to rain tomorrow so instead of going out to dinner tomorrow night to celebrate my 6year old's birthday, we decided to go tonight.

We went to a sports bar with an outdoor patio right on the harbor.  It was GORGEOUS.

As we're sitting there, my 4 year old turns to me and asks, "Mom, what did the lion say to the zebra?"

"What?" I ask her.

"No!" she says. "You have to guess."

"Hmmm." I think. "Did he say, 'Hey wanna come over for dinner?'"

"No." she answers.

"I give up." I tell her.

"You have to GUESS!" she tells me.

So I sit there thinking for a minute and then say, "I like your new outfit?"

She looks at me, looks down at her shirt and says, "Thank you."

"NO." I say.

"What?"

So I remind her, "What did the lion say to the zebra?"

She looks at me blankly, "I don't know, what?" she asks.

And then I jumped over the railing and tried to drown myself but the tide was out and the water was only a foot deep so I just laid there flailing for a bit.

And no, I never did find out what the lion said to the zebra, but I'm guessing it was something along the lines of, "Dude, don't ever have kids.  They'll make you FUCKING CRAZY."