BloggingDangerously

He MAY Have Threatened to Divorce Me If I Told You This...

So let's not tell him okay?

Hey Honey!  Move Along, nothing to read here...

Is he gone?

Ok, several years ago my husband experienced this incident where his upper lip swelled up ginormously huge.

He went to the ER but the doctor could not diagnose it.  The swelling subsided overnight but the Daffy Duck jokes took a bit longer.

Over the past 10 years it's happened a few times and again, no one can diagnose it.  Some doctors have said that it's an allergy but it usually happens if he gets hit in the mouth with something - not in response to a certain type of food or other substance.

Anyway, Easter morning it was FINALLY time for us to end our month long hiatus from sex.  We were both feeling better - AND feeling horny enough that we would have faced the bubonic plague to get a little.

The kids were downstairs watching a movie and cramming candy into their mouths as fast as they could before we came downstairs and took it away from them.  There was no way they would come looking for us.

Foreplay was fun but then the husband overzealously grabbed me and pulled me toward his mouth. *SMASH* went his lip.  And then all I could think of was "If it swells up today before 24 people get to my house I'm going to have to tell them all that it was a sex injury."  And I may have said that out loud.  Which MAY have put an end to the foreplay.  But, as I mentioned, there was no way a little swelling was going to come between us and he managed to concentrate despite the tingling in his lip.

Luckily the tingling went away after a little while, his lip did not swell up and we did not have to explain to my mother and her sister what happened to his face.

Although it IS a funny story.

 

Ten Things That Have Made Me Laugh Lately

1. We ran the dishwasher 3 times yesterday.  Finally at 10pm I realized that the final load - the china, was clean and dry and needed to be put away - particularly because there were a few more items in the sink including a couple of wooden items that DID need to be hand washed but would NOT be okay after a whole night soaking in water.  I called to my husband to help me with the last bit of work.

As he emptied the top rack of the dishwasher of plastic cups, I held the box that we store them in.  With my hands busy, the took the opportunity to rub up against me - like he ALWAYS does - that drives me CRAZY (and not in a good way.)  "YOU ARE A PAIN IN THE ASS!" I yelled.

"I wasn't in your ass." he defended himself.

"You would be if I stopped saying no." I pointed out.

He laughed.

2. My oldest daughter will turn 6 next month.  The other night at dinner she started talking about what kind of birthday party she wanted.  I was TRYING to convince her to have a "Pajama Party" where her friends come over and have their hair braided and their nails done and listen to music, etc. but she decided that instead, she wanted to have a "Hannah Montana Soccer Party" that was co-ed and involved lots of sports.  My husband had hardly recovered from the shock of the "Co-ed" announcement when she added, "And I want a Miley Cyrus blowup doll."

"Who doesn't?" I asked.

He shot me a horrified look.

"What?" I shot back. "She's legal."

3. My kids apparently need to get up fifty times after lights out before they can go to sleep.  No amount of yelling, screaming or threatening can put an end to it so now we just ignore them.  The other night one of my son's got up to go to the bathroom.  The second he was done the other son was up for his turn.  As my oldest walked back to his bedroom I heard the younger one call out, "Thanks for keeping the seat warm!"

4.  My daughter's kindergarten soccer team - of which I am one of the coaches - is a bit lackluster.  In the fall we called ourselves "Team Black" because our shirts were black but that wasn't inspirational enough so I decided to get some pirate patches and some iron on letters for the backs of the girls jerseys.  My daughter immediately started nagging me to put the letters on her shirt.  Finally I agreed.  It was during the bathtime/bedtime ritual and all 4 kids were running around.  I set the ironing board up in my room and plugged the iron in and then started yelling at everyone to watch out for the iron.

I pulled the letters off the backing - ignoring the part where it said to cut the backing and leave it attached to the letters.  Whatever.  I arranged the letters on the shirt, put down my 'press cloth' which started out as my daughters underwear but the elastic waistband kept messing up the letters so I switched to a dishtowel.  I laid the iron over the towel for 30 seconds and when I pulled it up all of the letters came with it.  They were not ATTACHED to it - they just weren't attached to the shirt either.  The kids were all over me, my second son almost knocked over the iron.  "Ahh!" I yelled.  "Everyone out!"  I re-spaced the letters and ironed them directly on the shirt.  It worked PERFECTLY.  Who cares if I don't follow directions and still have the scars from my first glue gun experience?  I am UBER-CRAFTY MAMA.

That is, until I realized that when I had respaced the letters?  I had put them in the wrong order - and spelled our last name WRONG.  AWESOME.

5. Tonight at bedtime I had my husband cover me in our bed with all of the pillows and scrunch the comforter up.  Then I had him call the girls to come find me.  Ok, it's TRUE that I hadn't showered yet today but my 4yo walked into the room and started sniffing the air!  When they finally found me she yelled, "I was sniffing you like a doghound!"  SO CUTE!

6. My 8yo son had 5 friends over today for a play date.  When my 5yo daughter heard they were coming she grabbed her soccer shirt (with the corrected name,) donned her cleats and went head to head with the best of them.  They all fell and cried and complained at time - except her.  She's the coolest girl I know!

7. Saturday I took my 4yo to a birthday party.  On the way home I adjusted my rear view mirror so that I could talk to her in her car seat. "I..." I began.  At the same time we both said, "love you."  And then she, influenced by two older brothers yelled, "JINX!" And then she refused to say my name until we got home.

8. The other evening I left my home office and walked downstairs to the kitchen to start dinner.  I was in need of a pick me up so I cranked up some Lady Gaga.  My 8yo walked into the kitchen, gave me a funny look, walked over the ipod, read what it said, turned to me and said, "REALLY mom?  Lady Gaga?" Rolled his eyes and walked out.  I didn't even have a chance to defend myself.

9. We went to McDonald's for lunch on Friday and all of the kids got cups and mixed every single fountain drink into the cup.  My oldest said to me, "I even put Dr. Pepper in there!" and then asked, "What's the flavor of Dr. Pepper?"  My husband and I both made a face (we hate Dr. Pepper.) "I don't know," my husband said.  "ASS." I mouthed to my husband.  He almost spit out his Coke.

10. My husband took my 6yo to the barber for a haircut.  Apparently they nearly came to blows about whether or not he was going to get a Mohawk.  Finally the barber suggested a "Fauxhawk" which was a boys regular gelled up to look like a mohawk.  The next day the 6yo sent me to the store to buy more gel.

 

Traditions

Yesterday (Thursday) sucked.

Everyone is healthy and happy so I shouldn't complain but this deal that I wanted very badly at work fell through and it took my spirits with it.  The truth is that the deal sort of fell into my lap a couple of weeks ago completely unexpectedly - and nothing I did caused it to fall through so I shouldn't have been so deflated - but I was. 

And then I spoke with a woman who works with me whom I've never met but consider a friend and she told me that things are going poorly for her at work.  Last time I spoke with her she was SO upbeat that it added fuel to my pity-party fire and it was suddenly a terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad day.  And without the commission from that sale my chances of making it to Australia are slim.

So I did what anyone would do.  I went downstairs to play with my children, had dinner and then went to the gym to burn off some frustration.

But the Fuel light was on in my car and the indicator said that I had 22 miles until EMPTY - and it's 12 miles round trip to the gym so I figured I'd go to the gas station. But THEN I remembered that they sell lottery tickets at the gas station and WOULDN'T IT BE NICE???

PLUS KARMA FUCKING OWES ME TODAY.

So I went to the bank, went to the gas station and then spent an hour on the elliptical dreaming about what I would do if I won... (Except for the time that I spent watching HGTV:Selling NY - Holy HELL can you say Plastic surgery???)

Anyway, as I thought about what I would do, it occurred to me that a lot of what I dream about - like buying a summer house on Nantucket - wouldn't really be the best way to spent the money - because right now I own a summer house with my brother and my sister and we're all there every weekend so our 11 children play together 3 days/week from May-September.  And you can't buy those memories.  And you can't make them on a lonely house on Nantucket.  Especially because the house has been in our family since my mother was my children's age so it's not just new memories...

Another thing I thought about was Easter.  Every year on Easter we have a huge Easter Egg hunt at my house.  My family comes over and we feed the kids and send the husbands out to "hide" the eggs.  (i.e. scatter them all over the yard)  Then we send the kids out to "find" them. (i.e. gather as many as they can as fast as they can.)  Then Dinner.

And Christmas!  On Christmas Eve everyone comes to my house and all of the kids sing a song.  They can pair up or team up if they want.  And then - and this is one you HAVE to take for yourselves because I stole it from my friend Bob - then we all sing the 12 days of Christmas and each child has one line and my mother has 5 golden rings - because she can't sing worth a damn.  And we video tape it and it's HILARIOUS.  Bob said that it gets even better when the boys get to the point that their voices start cracking - that in his family the cracking-voiced boy got 5 golden rings but I don't know that anyone could be worse than my mom.

Then there's the NEW Memorial Day tradition that we're starting this year - now that the girls are old enough - where my sister and I take our daughters for pedicures to get "Summer toes."

I won't bore you with the rest of our personal traditions but the point is: that just dreaming about what I would spend my lottery winnings on reminded me of how rich I already was.

Karma, you're still welcome to throw me a bone though!

Happy Easter everyone!

 

 

 

 

Seize the Night

Believe it or not I have this rough schedule for posts - just something so that I don't post 15 guests posts in a row or forget to give you Sex Homework for a month... but I've gotten off schedule lately - more on that tomorrow.

So I've been sitting here for 2 hours trying to think of something to write and everything that seems interesting is officially scheduled for next week and every thing that would fit in PERFECTLY now is completely uninteresting to me.

And then my friend tweeted this:

"So, right now I wish I wasn't divorced cause I really want sex. Actually divorced or not I want sex right now."

And THEN my husband walked into my office and said, "I'm going to bed.  What are you doing?"

So I asked him, "Are you tired or do you want to fool around?"  (Note, there has not been much fooling around lately because #1 - we've both been sick and it's hard to find positions where you're not breathing on each other and #2 I've been very busy at work and on the days I don't workout I ALSO rarely find time to shower - I know, GROSS, but true.)

And he said, "I'm tired."  But he said it in such a weak and unconvincing voice that I couldn't hear him and had to ask him to repeat himself THREE times until he finally said, "LOOK, I'M TIRED but we all know how that goes..."

And I thought about saying, "No, go to bed, I have to blog."  But then I remembered that when I don't post about sex, my blog stats plummet because you're all a bunch of VOYEURS and I thought, "I'm not skipping the post for me, I'm doing it for THEM - YOU'RE WELCOME."

And I thought about my horny friend and about The Wasted Orgasm Theory and basically any chance you had of getting a half decent blog post today walked out the door when my husband walked in wearing nothing but boxer briefs.

Goodnight.

Wet Dreams.

Role Reversal

(Note: This post makes more sense if you know that I work and that my husband is a stay at home dad.)

Today in the car the kids started getting a little unruly  so I broke out one of my surefire tricks for distracting them.  I started asking them trivia questions: things like "What street do we live on?" What town do we live in?" "What is my first name?"  Now that they're older these questions are too easy so I asked, "What was my maiden name?"

My oldest son got it right.  Then I asked them what my sister's name was.  They figured it out but they reversed her maiden name and married name.  I corrected them and then said, "The name you were born with comes first and the name you changed it to comes last."

My second son said, "I want to change my name to Pablo."

I laughed.

"Honey," I said, "you won't change your name.  Only girls change their names."

"How come only girls change their names?" they asked.

"Well," I began, "In the old days when men were in charge of everything, women were treated like property - like oxen.  And they took the last name of the man who was responsible for them.  When they were young, they took their father's last name.  And when they got married they took their husband's last name."

"But NOW," I pointed out, "As you KNOW, Sometimes it's not men taking care of women.  Sometimes it's women, taking care of men."

"Yeah!" my oldest son agreed. "Now, you work and you order daddy around like he's an ox."