This Guest post comes to you from one of my favorite readers (and commenters!) SMJ. Her story is funny - with a great moral. Sometimes even guys need a map.
-----
Didn't Know I'd Need a Math Degree
When my husband and I got married, we were both virgins. Technically. We'd done "everything but," so we figured we wouldn't have any trouble on the wedding night itself. I was a little nervous, though, so I asked a friend for advice. "Have a glass of wine at your reception and keep the lube handy, and you won't have any problem."
Well, I forgot to drink any wine at the reception, and I also had no idea exactly how to apply lube, so I didn't have it with me. But I still figured we would have no trouble, because after all, how hard could it be? We'd been spending our whole engagement trying very hard not to do it. All we had to do was relax, right?
When we got to our hotel room after the wedding, I suddenly felt very shy. My new husband seemed like practically a stranger, and his tux made him look very 1950's. I inexplicably wanted to get him a newspaper and a cold drink and withdraw to the kitchen. He sensed my reluctance and said, "Why don't we put this off till tomorrow?" But I'd been waiting all this time, and I just didn't want to show up in the hotel lobby with my friends the next morning still a virgin. So we plowed on ahead (no pun intended).
After some time in the Jacuzzi and a lot of making out, we figured we were ready. The big moment had arrived. He started on in -- and I burst into tears. He wasn't even half in and I was in AGONY. I had been told it could be slightly painful, so I'd been prepared for that, but this was way more than anyone had warned me about. Of course my husband broke it off. We tried a couple more times, but no dice. Even when I urged him to just go ahead and get it over with, he couldn't do it. Between the sight of me in pain and the incredible tightness I was developing (fear can do that to you) there was no way he could manage it.
I showed up the next morning feeling extremely ashamed. There was some good-natured joshing about "Late night last night, hmmm?" and I seriously wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. I felt like an impostor, pretending to be a real married woman, when I wasn't.
We had our honeymoon at a lake in the mountains, staying in a beautiful cabin, just the two of us. And thank goodness, because we really needed the peace and quiet to figure this thing out. I tried taking a warm bath with a glass of wine beforehand. I brought out the lacy nightgown. I dug the lube out of a suitcase. We tried half a dozen different positions. No luck. My new husband was saying he just felt "protective and tender" and didn't feel like sex anyway. I did feel like sex, but I was terrified.
Then the altitude sickness set in. I was raised among mountains, so 4,000 ft. is nothing to me. My midwestern husband was completely winded by it. Did you know impotence is a symptom of altitude sickness? It is. So is premature ejaculation. So that was fun too.
About halfway through the honeymoon, he was beginning to become acclimated. And yet our efforts were still getting nowhere. I couldn't figure out if the problem was me or him. I assumed me, but I knew the situation wasn't helped by his unusual anatomy. He's got a downward curve that's really weird, and it was always right where the curve started that our problem began.
Time for... physics! And geometry! Yes, I'm a nerd, so I ended up pulling out my "newlywed journal" and drawing some diagrams. I figured out the vector that would work best, and worked out what positions would be best for achieving it. I showed my diagrams to my husband, pointing out the place that was hurting me. "What?!" he exclaimed. "I've been aiming right for that spot because I thought it was the other side that was hurting you!"
Yes, we had a genius on our hands. Even when I'd been on top, he'd been trying to "correct for" my "wrong angle." The next time we tried, we had zero trouble. It was awesome. I walked on air the rest of the day. There was nothing wrong with me; to this day it does a hurt a bit if he gets the angle wrong. Luckily my husband has finally managed to figure out what the female vagina is shaped like, and usually plans accordingly.
The moral of the story is, never assume a guy knows what he's doing. Communicate -- using diagrams, if necessary.
And they say you never use math LOL I love that
Posted by: Amber | March 11, 2011 at 03:20 PM
OMG I love this. See I SUCK at math, so I probably would still be a virgin if math were required. What does this say about me? I'm a slut. Oh no.
Posted by: Kristin | March 11, 2011 at 03:43 PM
love it :)
Posted by: Christine | March 11, 2011 at 05:39 PM
Love Kristin's comment!!!!!!!
Great story...
Posted by: Andi Sexton | March 11, 2011 at 06:24 PM
And they say sex is not rocket science.....
Posted by: Opto-Mom | March 11, 2011 at 08:15 PM
did you save the diagrams? that one would be one for the family album. LOVE IT!
Posted by: Sara | March 11, 2011 at 10:33 PM
Yes -- I want to see the diagrams!! I seriously loved this. Tooooo funny :)
Posted by: kim | March 12, 2011 at 09:24 AM
This made me laugh so hard.
Was dating a guy that needed direction,a lot of it. It felt like I was teaching a class. He asked questions, I answered and then realized neither one of us were enjoying our attempt at "good sex". Had I drawn a diagram, maybe he'd have better understood my directions. LOL.
Thanks so much for sharing your story.
Posted by: I tried, I gave up | March 12, 2011 at 11:11 PM
will you do math for me and my new guy? he needs a little help and geometry is not my forte.
Posted by: andygirl | March 13, 2011 at 07:45 PM
I'm curious to know what the male vagina is shaped like ...
Posted by: alonewithcats | March 13, 2011 at 08:36 PM
I'm in tears laughing right now. Wow, have I been there. That bad angle can be THE WORST. But what I sweet and funny story. I'm going to have to share it with some friends so that we can laugh together. Thanks for sharing! Oh, and so glad you had a happy ending.
Posted by: ManWifeDog | March 13, 2011 at 11:01 PM
It makes me feel better knowing it made you all laugh! It was so un-funny at the time.
I can't believe I forgot to mention that our hotel room was pranked on our wedding night! We got there and found all the lightbulbs unscrewed and the heat turned up to 100 degrees. No idea how my brother-in-law talked the hotel into letting him do that. :P Perhaps that the reason the mood fizzled so much. That or how tired we were ... we got married at one in the afternoon and had been partying ever since.
And yes, I still have the diagrams. ;)
Posted by: SMJ | March 15, 2011 at 04:43 PM
Sh*t, so that's what I've been doing wrong. Where the hell is my notebook at pencil?
the Super Sistah
www.thesupersistah.com
Posted by: the super sistah | March 16, 2011 at 08:47 PM