Last week I was superwoman: Business executrix extraordinaire, Uber-patient Mom of the Year, Dropping weight like a bad habit Dieter, You can't catch me Jillian Michaels Work-out ROCKSTAR.
And then Friday came and delivered a Kryptonite kick.
I did my best when I felt the tingle in the back of my throat. I hucked up a wad of phlegm and went for a run. I was slow but at least I was moving.
Momentum was the word of the day. I finished my run strong, bounced into the house and up the stairs. I showered, I dressed, I grabbed my purse and my daughter and we picked up pizza.
My pizza? Tomato and Broccolli - light cheese.
I was ROCKING that diet! I was gonna be HOT! HOT! HOT!
Oh shit, I was hot. 102 degrees exactly.
The fever hit while I was waiting in line for the pizza. I thought it was the ovens. But no.
I came home, ate 3 slices and crawled up the stairs and into bed. I seem to remember participating in #wineparty. If I said anything strange I was delirious - not drunk - for a change.
The weekend passed. I think.
Last night I started to feel human-ish again. Except for the fierce burning in my lungs.
I crawled into bed. It was cold. ICE COLD. Okay, maybe not ice cold but my husband had forgotten to turn on the bed.
So I did what any sweet, understanding wife DYING FROM PNEUMONIA would do - I took his side.
And despite the fact that I was a stuffy mess of convulsing, coughing germiness he shared his side with me.
UNTIL I experienced a particularly convulsive coughing fit. And then he did what any loving husband would do - he felt me rubbing up against him convulsively and he got aroused.
SERIOUSLY.
Can you picture my husband if I had epilepsy? "Honey, you just had a seizure. Are you okay? Yes? Okay, wanna do it?"
My husband is ACTUALLY much too clever to ask "Wanna do it?" (This after repeatedly being told "NO, GO AWAY.")
He actually said, "I miss you. Wanna do it?"
"I can't BREATHE." I said.
"So no blowjob." he agreed.
"That's not what I meant." I wheezed, reaching over to my side to see if it had thawed. (It hadn't.)
"I'll help you out." I said.
I talked to him. I told him what I liked best about our sexual experiences - the positions, the tempo, etc. I started to tell him about an incident that I particularly enjoyed with him but as I could feel him getting "closer" to climax I trailed off - not wanting to distract him. Then, to be honest, I started to fall asleep. APPARENTLY my lack of assistance brought him back from the brink and we had to work up to it again, and again and again. And then FINALLY, I was SURE he was THERE and he stopped. "What happened?" I asked.
"I don't want to yet." he said.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I've got NAPALM in my lungs and I'm working on 5 hours of ragged, jagged, interrupted sleep and he wants to prolong the enjoyment of a handjob he's giving himself while I struggle to stay awake beside him?
No dice.
I realized that none of what was happening really required my participation so I rolled over onto my WARM side of the bed, snuggled down into my sheets and said, "Good night."
"Come on." he said.
"As far as I'm concerned I got you there." I told him.
WITHOUT my further encouragement the scene lasted about another 45 seconds and then we BOTH fell asleep.
Bwahahaha You never disappoint, Kit! LOL
Posted by: Sasha | March 30, 2011 at 09:03 AM
You rock ... Totally made my morning better!
Posted by: Adventuresofbdoc.wordpress.com | March 30, 2011 at 09:22 AM
Omg....glad I got the retweet today!
Posted by: MsTravelTina | March 30, 2011 at 09:40 AM
I got angry at your husband at first, and then realized I was really angry at my husband. He's king of the "not yet" when it comes to BJ's.
You're hilarious.
Posted by: Don't Make That Face | March 30, 2011 at 11:45 AM
I would have strangled him with his own hard on.
Posted by: Walkingborder (Karen) | March 30, 2011 at 12:21 PM
OMG, I need to take a page from your blog! This was so funny and open! I love it.
Posted by: Linds | March 30, 2011 at 02:44 PM
That was just too damn funny!
Posted by: Crystal | March 30, 2011 at 05:44 PM
I agree with you. But you're WAY nicer than I am!! =D
Posted by: Brittney - Our Greener Acres | March 30, 2011 at 10:42 PM
I cannot stop laughing. You know, all the husbands, boyfriends, well all the men I guess are so much alike. This could have been my Hubs and I but if I would tell him this, of course he would deny.
Posted by: Mommy's Paradise | March 31, 2011 at 06:06 AM
Please tell me you coughed on him! Personally? I would have offered to lend an icy cold hand. That? Or toss up that yummy pizza.
I still often think the victorians had the right idea. Seperate rooms would ROCK! Gotta feign sleep .... Darth Vader has just turned off the shower!!!
Posted by: Brenda | March 31, 2011 at 08:17 AM
Oh Kit, I think I almost pee'd myself! You crack me up!! I think our husbands are brothers from other mothers.
Posted by: Heather at FarmgirlGourmet | March 31, 2011 at 10:54 PM
I'm all for guys holding out and "not yetting" during sex but during blowjobs and handjobs? Fuck it, get the job done. There's no prize for lasting longer.
Posted by: Paxochka | April 04, 2011 at 09:15 AM
Funny post but I fail to see what the problem is. :D
Posted by: Danacreative.wordpress.com | April 26, 2011 at 12:49 PM