G-Spot: Pornos and Pretzels

This post was written by my new friend Sheila at Opto-Mom.  I was laughing out loud as I read it. 

-----

I think that the porn industry is totally ruining sex for us regular women. Have you seen the crazy shit these women do? And then they pretend to LIKE it!

Here’s a little tip to the men in the real world. These women are ACTRESSES; therefore they are ACTING! [Note: I’m using the words "actresses" and "acting" very loosely here, as I doubt that many of the female porn stars have trained at Julliard.]

When a woman is folded up in a way that contorts her body into a very uncomfortable position, she is probably not actually having an orgasm {gasp!}. The sistah is just trying to get paid, so she groans and writhes like being a human pretzel is the greatest turn-on since chocolate flavored massage oil.

If she is standing on her head while a guy performs a pile driver move on her, I think those moan and shrieks are due to the fact that her spine is being crushed, and not due to pleasure.

Now don’t get me wrong…I enjoy interesting positions, but I would still like the sex to be pleasurable. If it hurts like hell, I’m probably not enjoying it, so get that cucumber out of my ear and help me get my leg out of the oven.

For real, though. Some positions may look cool to the man, but I thought the whole point of sex was for mutual pleasure, not so you could say, "Hey, I didn’t know your knee could bend that way."

Maybe you’re looking for the g-spot, but seriously, dude. Get a flashlight or something, because this just isn’t working out for me.

If I have to dislocate a hip to achieve a certain position, the odds are that ecstasy will not be forthcoming any time soon.

For example, is it really necessary to turn the ceiling fan on while my left leg is stuck to it with strawberry jelly? I’m trying to hold on to the curtain rod here!

If I were getting paid the big bucks, I could probably convince you that I was enjoying this contortion.

Seriously, why do the women have to be the ones playing Sexual Twister while the guy just stands there thrusting?

In the interest of sexual equality, I propose that all of you women watch porn with your partner this weekend. When he starts getting a little frisky, whisper to him that you want to try that position from the second scene.

When he agrees (because you know he will), IMMEDIATELY say, "I get to be the one standing up!" Hey, if you call it, then it’s legally binding, right?

Then turn him into a pretzel, have your way with him, and make him walk funny for a week.

Comments

[Sarah]

Fascinating article that parallels your blog post.

http://nymag.com/news/features/70976/

My ex was a porn addict. I have no doubt his new wife is now dealing with the fallout.

[Sarah]

that should have been IS a porn addict. I didn't mean to imply he has sought help or is in recovery.

[chuck]

Funny posting, serious topic. I had read Sarah's link before today, and I can relate. Used to do porn - *used to* - never masturbated to it, tho. hmm.......

Anyway, just put it down and decided that the wife was the only sexual outlet for me, and fortunately for me, she agreed. What a turn-on it is to know that you have a willing and wanting (that last is important!) partner in your bed.

[Milbetweenus.blogspot.com]

I have just found your blog via the Bloggess (I think.) and am really enjoying your posts. And guest posts.

Porn, and the unrealistic expectations it builds, has helped suck the intimacy from my relationship.

Jacking the nose off to spite the face, no?

[TechyDad]

This reminds me of CollegeHumor.com's "realistic Hollywood Sex Scene" video. The video shows a couple starting to get intimate in all the usual Hollywood/Porno ways and what would really happen in real life. (Cramps, badly positioned photos of grandma, weight being distributed wrong, etc.) It's quite funny: http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1820859

[Wicked]

Hahaha!! That is just too funny!! And for the life of me why men think those women and the fake looks on their faces look REALLY INTO IT, is beyond me!! SERIOUSLY?? I think they lay there and think about all the ways they are spending the money! Cute shoes, new purse, nice car, etc...

[Thedeaconblue]

To me, porn is entertainment, and a supplement to the wife. I mean, I don't want the police force to do things by the Bruce Willis "Die Hard" or Mel Gibson "Lethal Weapon" playbook, but it sure it fun to watch on screen. Honestly, damn near 100% of men watch or have watched porn, and I think very few of them want their women trying to emulate the on-screen antics (except maybe for some bi-curious three-way action). A lot of those positions kind of require the guy to work harder than is absolutely necessary or desirable...

[Milbetweenus.blogspot.com]

I would like to restate, "The unrealistic expectations that porn has it built in my partner specifically."

Otherwise, I support pornography.

[So_and_so]

Thanks for this. I can't get past the fact that porn is emotionally damaged people (seriously - look up some bios on wikipedia) with genital herpes (pretty much everyone in the industry admits this) having sex for money. After you know that Jenna Jameson was gang raped before making the *totally unrelated* - har har - decision to have a career in porn, it kinda ruins the whole experience of watching her do a gang bang. And it kills me that young feminists feel the need to laugh about it like they're in on the big porn joke - news flash, ladies, we're not in on the joke, the joke is on us.

[Claire]

O true ! How can guys (even reasonnably intelligent, educated ones) more or less believe that some of the gals enjoy themselves at all in (more than often) ridiculous positions, is beyond me... Shows some pretty scary misunderstanding of the female body and how it works (not to mention the female mind, lol).
Anyway, excellent post, though I, too, support porn as a turn-on for mutual or solitary enjoyment ;)

[Opto-Mom]

Opto-Mom here! Thanks to everyone for your comments.

@Sarah - It kinda makes you smile thinking about the new wife dealing with the ex's porn addiction, doesn't it? hee hee

@Chuck - A willing and wanting partner is your bed is better than one in your closet. That's where I keep my pool boy...

@Milbetweenus - Tell him that when you get paid like the porn stars, you will probably be able to fake it as well as they do!

@Techydad - Great vid! Thanks for sharing!

@Wicked - Some of them are also probably thinking, "I wish he would hurry up and finish so I could take my Valtrex with a vodka chaser."

@Thedeaconblue - Great point. No Mel or Bruce, but I wouldn't mind seeing a little more Jack Bauer!

@So and so - Didn't know that about JJ. And I agree about the fake feminists thinking that women doing porn are "empowered."

@Claire - Yes, there are certain positions they are doing, and I'm thinking, "He is no where near any of her "happy spots," and yet she's carrying on like he's giving her the ultimate pleasure." And I love your last sentence...very insightful!