BloggingDangerously

Farenheit 451? - I LOVED that Movie!

I have this thing about books.  I love them.  No, I know you love them too, but I LOVE them.  REALLY, REALLY love them.  I have approximately 3000 books in my house.  I NEVER give a book away unless it's mass market pulp fiction AND it sucks.  (I'm looking at YOU, Rose Madder.)

Anyway, one of my HUGEST pet-peeves is when someone says, "The Great Gatsby?  I LOVED that movie." (substitute any book for Gatsby)

I have this uncontrollable reflex where I grab them by the collar, shake them like a bobble head and yell, "IT'S A BOOK, YOU MORON."

This abruptly ended a couple of match.com dates for me back in the day. 

Luckily, since I've become a parent I've become MUCH more patient.

Today my 8yo son asked me, "Mom, can we please see Romeo and Juliet?"

"Sure!" I said, excited that he shares my love for literature.

"It looks like a great movie." he added.

"It's a PLAY!" I said, frustrated.

"No, mom," he explained, "I didn't say Romeo and Juliet.  I said GNOMEO and Juliet."

I had to walk away.

Corporate Acquisition Specialist Available: Nominal(ly HUGE) Fee

Dear Corporate World,

That's right, HIGH FINANCE, I'm talking to you.  Are you a start-up with the urge to be acquired?  Are you a CEO looking for a golden parachute?  Are you a VC firm looking to get out of a bad investment? Are you a C-level executive with a grudge?

Then hire me.

Why? You ask.

Well, I'll let you in on a little secret: Every company I've ever worked for is now defunct.  That's right, EVERY company has either gone out of business or been acquired.

That icecream shop from highschool? Closed.

That Supermarket Chain in high school? Out of Business.

The billion dollar Petro-chemical engineering company, Badger engineering? Acquired by Raytheon.

The first engineering job I had out of college?  Out of business after 56 years?

The second?  Out of business after 5 years.

The first job I had when I moved back east?  It was a fortune 100 company with a single letter stock symbol.  Acquired after 138 years in operation

And wait?  Didn't I just get a new job?

Oh YES! That company was acquired yesterday.  By the #1 competitor of my previous employer.

So any of you people out there who would like to see your company acquired, or shuttered, you know who to call.

Love,

Kit

PS #wineparty tonight.  And I need it.

Sex Homework: The Anticipation Edition

Yesterday I talked about how anticipation is a HUGE turn on for me - and many people agreed that the POSSIBILITY of what might happen is incredibly exciting.

So here's the assignment: have one of you, preferably the FEMALE*, tell your partner that you're going to the bedroom to "get ready" and have the other one wait for ten minutes before following.  NOTE: You should NOT be watching television for those ten minutes.  You should be thinking about what your partner may be doing in the bedroom.  And what the two of you will be doing in ten minutes.

Now if you're the one in the bedroom you should be doing something sexy.  That is, something that makes you FEEL sexy.  Get naked?  Take Carmen Electra for a spin?  Throw a bottle of massage oil in a bucket of hot water?  Pop an altoid?  Whatever it is that will get you hot...  Maybe all you need to do is think about him, thinking about what you're doing.

And you KNOW what's happening to him, right?  He's picturing you getting hot and wet while you wait for him, and it's making him ready. 

At the ten minute mark your homework is over and what happens next is COMPLETELY up to you.

Have fun with it!

*No offense guys but picturing my husband upstairs naked for ten minutes 1) is not erotic 2) if he "got ready" for ten minutes there would likely be nothing left by the time ten minutes was up - if you know what I'm saying and 3) Betty is a vixen and he would likely be asleep by the time I came bouncing into the room.

Fantasy Island

To be PERFECTLY honest I'm not much for sharing fantasies with a partner.  After all, how much fantasy can you have in the two minutes AFTER you put the kids to bed and BEFORE they get up for one of a million infuriating reasons?

At this point in my life I'm more of a, "I'm already in the mood, that's why I said, 'yes' so let's get this party started (and finished so I can go to sleep.)" type of girl.

Here's another thing: some of the things I DO fantasize about when I'm alone?  I would NEVER do in reality.  First of all, some of them are physically impossible.  (I learned this the hard way in college when I mentioned a certain position to my boyfriend and he almost dislocated his pelvis.)

Secondly, some of the things that turn me on IN THEORY, make me VERY STABBY in practice.

For example:  I like to dream about a take charge, sweep me off my feet, romance novel sort of hero.  But the truth is that I tend to be bossy in the bedroom.  Oh SURE, I'm open to suggestions, but take it to the gentle insistence stage and you'll find yourself under a cold shower.

So I generally take my fantasies solo.  When I was pregnant with my fourth child I had a recurring fantasy (that I'm not going to tell you because it was OVER THE TOP) that drove me wild.  In fact, towards the end of my pregnancy it was better than sex at helping me orgasm.

Someone recently sent me a link to female porn.  I'm obviously not a prude but looking at erections doesn't do it for me.  I'm not a very visual person - it's not the visual of my fantasy that gets me going.  It's the emotion.

When my husband and I were doing our homework a few months ago, one of the things that I came up with was to rendezvous at a public place and flirt like single people until we couldn't take it any more and then race home to celebrate like married people.

I think that this is exciting because you're in a public place so you have to behave appropriately, but you're there to be flirtatious so you have to get your point across in non-explicit ways.  And while you both know that dessert is on the menu, you have to wait for it.

I think the anticipation is what does it for me.

What about you?  Are you into fantasy?  With a partner? Solo?  Are you willing to share any ideas?

The Big Long "C" Word

Ladies,

There is a word that I have NEVER been able to get my head around.  The sound of it makes my skin crawl and I can barely say it...

Who the hell came up with the word cunnilingus?

From a PR perspective, no wonder we have such a hard time getting guys to reciprocate (present husband excluded.) 

Fellatio sounds like an italian dessert.  Cunnilingus sounds like a terminal disease.

It's latin right?  Well, it was definitely a bad idea to give naming rights to people whose idea of a good time was young boys, feeding people to lions and eating until they vomitted.

Do any of you have a better word for it?  Something a little more mass-market friendly?

Leave a comment.