Ten Things That Have Made Me Laugh Lately

1. During dinner, the children often bounce around like those balls they show on TV for the lottery drawing.  We try to teach them manners with constant admonishments to "sit on your bum," "watch out for your milk," "say excuse me when you burp," etc.  The other night my adorable 3yo got up in the middle of dinner and began walking down the hallway that leads to the tv room.  My husband called her back.  She took a couple more steps, turned around and came back, sat in her chair and said to everyone, "I FARTED."  All I could manage was, "Next time please excuse yourself before you leave the table."

2. After 10 years together my husband knows me pretty well.  A couple of weeks ago we went to a family reunion and we brought a cake.  There were enough leftovers that my cousin sent it home with us.  It was DELICIOUS.  As I sat there eating a piece and moaning about how good it was my husband asked, "Is it buttercream frosting?"  I nodded and then added, "But I hope it didn't need to be refrigerated because it's been out all night."  I paused, reconsidered and said, "Actually, I hope it DID need to be refrigerated. - Do you know why?"

"YES." he rolled his eyes. "I know why - so that the calories don't count."  I just giggled.

3. At dinner one night my 3 year old was asking for some yogurt - but she had a whole plate full of food.  I got up to clean up and she followed me.  She was trying to open the fridge to get some yogurt when I stopped her, saying, "If you don't finish your dinner, you can't have yogurt.  And if you don't want to finish your dinner you can't have dessert either."  As I was mid-rant, she looked up at me, reached up, squeezed my right breast and turned and walked away.  My husband spit his soda all over the kitchen. 

4. The other night all four kids were KILLING me at bedtime.  Each one of them had gotten up at least 3 times and I was exhausted.  It was an hour past their bedtime and they had all been cranky all day anyway.  My 5 year old daughter got up again.  "I need more water" she said.  "Fine," I said, "Go get some."  She walked into the bathroom. "Hey!" she called, "Why is there a dead mosquito in here?"  I yelled back, "Because he kept getting out of bed!!!"  My husband lost it but didn't get it.  "What do you mean?" she asked. "JUST GO TO BED!" I yelled.

5. At bed time it's a constant herding of boys into the shower and girls into the other bathroom to brush their teeth and then vice versa.  We TRY to keep the naked boys away from the naked girls for decorum's sake but sometimes it's difficult.  The other night I was yelling loudly reminding the boys to cover themselves when my 8yo turned to me and said, "We need a pixelation kit!"

And then he proceeded to explain to me how if you pixelate a photo it gets grainier.  - Um, thanks kid. I got it.

6. The other night I had a headache and crawled into bed early - too early, in fact, to go to sleep.  I figured a couple rounds with Carmen would be all the endorphin rush I needed to drift quietly off to sleep but her batteries were almost dead.  "I think she's cheating on me!" I thought.  And then I realized that she's sort of incapable of cheating, so I started laughing, and then I realized that I'd been out of town and she was alone with my husband and I remembered that he's grown rather fond of her lateley...  Then all of the conspiracy theory made me sleepy so I fell asleep - which reminds me that her batteries still need changing!

7. My 6 year old is a spaz.  He is a genius when it comes to puzzles and math and reading and putting things together but when it comes to controlling his arms and legs - forget it.  My 3 year old can drink out of a regular cup but my 6 year old still needs a sippy cup because he'll knock it over 4 times during dinner.  So the other day my husband and I were in the tv room looking down the long hall into the kitchen where my 6 year old was sitting at the kitchen table - except that sitting is NOT the word for it because his ass actually NEVER makes contact with the chair.  And I said to my husband, "How can he be SO SMART and SO SPASTIC at the SAME TIME?"

This comment caused my husband to turn his head down the hall with me at the exact moment that my 6 year old launched into a combination Pee Wee Herman, Saturday Night Fever, Revenge of the Nerds dance that made the two of us completely lose it.  He danced for FIVE minutes.

8. Sometimes when I call home during the day my husband will tell me, "They're busting my chops."  The other night my daughter burst into my office proclaiming, "I AM DUSTING DADDY'S PORKCHOPS!"

9. The other day my husband ran to the grocery store.  I called him and asked him to buy brussel sprouts.  "NO." he said.  "It's that or broccolli." I told him.  And then added, "I don't eat anything that isn't stinky.  Lucky for YOU."  He laughed.  And brought home brussel sprouts.

10. My husband and I were on the couch together and I was half scratching his back - which he loves - and then stopping - which he hates.  Finally he groaned and said, "You stink!"  "It's time to put the kids to bed anyway." I said, just as my 3 year old came running in.  "What are you doing?" she asked.  "Nothing," I told her, "I'm just torturing daddy."  Her ENTIRE face lit up. "I WANT TO TORTURE DADDY TOO!" she cried.

That is my kind of girl.

Love,

Kit

Comments

[Tanniah]

Funny! Once my son turned 2, we decided he was entertaining enough to cancel cable.

Who's Carmen?

www.raisingstinker.com

[By Word of Mouth]

My husband has always cooked with our girls. One day he was making a pie of sorts and needed to tenderize the meat. He gave my eldest who was five at the time a rolling pin and told her to just beat it down.
My mother came in a short while later and asked what she had been doing that morning ... she announced
I was helping Daddy beat his meat ...
lovely!

[Sandie]

You are the Erma Bombeck for the new generation. Write a book!

[Tracy]

I, too, have a 3 year old daughter. While she is potty trained, she still has a few poop accidents. The other day I found her to be a little too quiet so I asked, "Do you have poop in your panties?" She replies without even turning around, "Well, there's SOMETHING rolling around in there." I suggest we check to which she says, "I think it's brown." Laughed until I cried.

[lovethisjunk]

ha! your kids sound awesome

[drlori71]

Very funny! "Dusting daddy's pork chops" made me laugh!

[Krista]

It's so great that you write these things down to remember how funny they can be! (and probably to keep you sane and read it when they're not being so funny!)
My son reached into my grandmother's shirt between her buttons yesterday and grabbed her boob. I didn't know whether to laugh or look away.

[Truthful Mommy]

Apparently your first commenter doesn't realize Carmen is your trusty bedside bitch:)LOL I love the things my girls say.They keep me simultaneously pulling my hair out and pissing my pants at almost all hours of the day.Happy Mothering!

[happyfamilytravels]

I love #3, anytime someone spits out their drink, it's fantastic!! And, #4 is just too funny!!!

[Lindsey]

Farts are HILARIOUS!!! So is poop.

[Paxochka]

That's your baby girl :) Torture daddy xx