Even the Heimlich Maneuver can break a rib

My husband is terrified that the kids are going to choke.  He won't let them eat in the car or anything like that - and when they were babies and they would gag he would demand that everything be silent so he could listen for their breathing.  And if he couldn't HEAR their breathing he would pinch them to make them cry so that he could tell that there was air passing through their windpipe.

This is why he was never Father of the Year.

Once the kids were older he would ask them, "ARE YOU OKAY?" and you can be DAMN SURE they learned pretty quick to say "YES!"

Except for my 3yo who tends to freeze under pressure.  She just nods.  Which is not helpful when you're trying to assess someone's ability to breathe.  So then he yells, "SAY SOMETHING!" very loudly and she nods vehemently and then he pinches her and she screams. 

(Note: before you call Child protective services, he doesn't really pinch her hard enough to really hurt it just scares her.)

Tonight at dinner she gagged and my husband said, "Are you okay?"  And she nodded.  So he said, louder, "ARE YOU OKAY???"

And she answered, "YES!" in a tone that made me turn to him and say, "She said 'yes', but what she meant was DON'T FUCKING PINCH ME ASSHOLE!!!"

 

 

Comments

[TechyDad]

Like your husband, I'm scared of choking. One time, we thought JSL was choking on something. He was sitting on the floor playing and then just staring forward, not breathing and starting to slump over. 911 was called and emergency services arrived. Poor NHL witnessed the whole thing from 3 feet away (and even started guiding the emergency guys to the house with shouts of "my brother's in here"). JSL went to the hospital where we discovered that he had had a febrial seizure. (We knew he wasn't choking by that point since he recovered without anything being removed from him.)

Unfortunately, a few weeks later, while at my brother-in-law's house, he was playing with me when he suddenly stopped reacting. I asked him if he was ok a few times and then shouted for my wife. As she and my sister-in-law came down, JSL started smiling. He was just acting to get a reaction from daddy! Boy, he's lucky he's so cute!!!

[Fred Miller]

I was the same way with Tessa's kid when he was little. I had been living alone when I met her, and I don't have any kids. I could scare the hell out of him without even knowing it. I feel awful about it now, but . . . on the other hand, now I have to raise my voice only slightly to get him to mind Tessa. And Tessa smoothes the rough spots. That's probably how things are suppposed to work.

[andygirl]

Ahaha! looks like your 3 yo might be training your husband.

[Shannon]

I used to babysit my brother's kids a lot when they were little. I'd just stand there and watch them breathe, they could sleep so deeply. Now, MANY years later, they're scary when they're NOT sleeping.

[Miss Tricky]

Pinching! Genius!! I just sat and stewed and stressed about whether or not The Spawn was regularly drawing breath, pinching seems so much more efficient.

[That One Mom]

I never thought to pinch them. Brilliant. I just yell "Say something!!!"

[Nikke Brown]

Haha!
As a child I used to choke on candy all the time (I have no idea why either) and my step-dad would do the same thing.

[A. S. Boudreau]

this made me laugh.. but also reminded me that I was the same way... I watched my son choke nearly to death once when he was 18 months old.. it was horrible. He had choked on a tiny little knob that fell off a cabinet.. now he's a healthy strapping 14 year old..

But recently I had to do Heimlich on our 9 year old when she choked on a hot dog. It's a scary thing. But i don't go around pinching the kids and asking them to Say something.

[Paxochka]

She'll be yelling YES like a kid who joined the army in no time. What with the SWAT response plan in your house and the apocalypse training... are you sure it's not the army?

[AuntBT]

Ok, I totally side with your husband on this one, because I choke all the time. I have an incredibly small esophagus, and have a hard time swallowing and then getting air. When I was only a few months old I choked on water and almost died. A few years ago, I choked on an M&M shell. Seriously, like a little piece of shell. So, whenever anyone starts the choking response I freak, because I know how easy it is to choke. However, I know my freakishly small esophagus isn't normal. I totally stop everything and listen for the breathing. And if pinching doesn't work, run a fingernail on the bottom of the foot. Just enough to cause a slight bit of pain (not enough to really hurt though), makes the babies gasp for air.

[Cindy]

Oh, that was so funny my stomach hurts. Pinching - that is a great idea. I just tell them to say something.
My girls choke so frequently that I am the PRO of dislodging food and staying calm while doing it. My husband is a bit more animated about it (to call it something nice). He knows the Heimlich, but instead his first reaction is to grab the choking kid and shake her up and down for a few seconds. Dummy.