Writing Assignment: One Liners

One night, back before we had children (or Twitter) my husband and I were playing cards at the kitchen table, facing each other.

At one point I covered one of my eyes with one hand and looked at him. (I have NO IDEA why.)

He asked me jokingly, "When you look at me like that, am I only half as handsome?"

"No, Twice." I answered, indicating that seeing less of his face was more pleasurable.

He paused while it sank in and then glared, amused.

One liners are often some of our best work; a few words intended to invoke emotion, quickly pulled together.  They're not often polished and yet they're wonderful nonetheless.

Today's assignment is to recall some of your (or someone else's) best one liners. 

Here's another one of mine:

My husband when to his parent's house to help his father move a hot water heater.  When he got home early I asked him, did your dad get there early?  "No." My husband answered, "I did it by myself."

"I used Brains AND Brawn." he bragged.

I couldn't resist. "Where'd you get them?" I asked.

It's amazing he still loves me.

Comments

[barbsobel]

hands down, mine has been to a boyfriend who was "on his way out":

"i feel like an ass & you treat me like a piece of one"

i was waiting with anticipation for the thunderous applause that by all rights SHOULD have come with such a statement. alas, i was disappointed YET again.

[Queen Momma]

When I tell my husband "your {he's} an Ass", which is often, and by itself a pretty good one-liner. He then asks "Why?" and I answer: "You were born that way?!"

[Shannon]

A friend of mine was going to come over after work one evening for coffee, girl talk and catching up. I was out running errands and noticed a new bakery in my neighborhood, so I texted her to tell her about my new discovery and that I was picking up treats, something we try (struggle with) not to indulge in too often.

I kept joking with her throughout the day (texting) about how great they smelled and that I was looking forward to coffee and snacking, so she told me "you COULD go ahead and eat those, you know...", as she was tiring from my comments. So I told her, "Well it would be very rude of you to eat in front of me".

[Meg Dt]

I'm afraid my wit, though razor sharp, will not slice through the wickedness of my friends' one-liners. I have to nominate a conversation I recently over-read on Twitter between CurseoftheD and mattduplessis:

@mattduplessis Very subtle.
@CurseoftheD I puts the b in #subtle.
@mattduplessis Even sutler.
@CurseoftheD I see what you didn't do there.

How do you compete with that kind of genius?

[Alexandra the Tsaritsa]

I feel like this happens a lot off the cuff, and I don't exactly remember my one-liners. They usually get a few chuckles, though.

[Sassy]

My husband actually wins at the best one-liner of our relationship (seven years and counting). Obviously, I am super jealous. It happened on a Sunday a few years ago, when I entered a room laden down with sacks of old clothes to take to Goodwill.

"Look at that pile of crap," he muttered. He took a perfect beat and then said, "And it's carrying bags!"

We still laugh about it.

[Shawna]

My current favourite one may become the name of my blog if I get off my lazy ass & start one. I don't know if it's a one liner or a catch-phrase though...
Spandex is a privilege, not a right!

[beta dad]

I always like the one my wife used on me some years ago. I was gloating about some minor triumph or other, and she (not one to get biblical, usually) warned, "Pride cometh before the fall..." I scoffed. She reinforced the warning, maintaining the gravitas of the King James diction. "It doth!" she intoned.

Another one I liked is kind of cheesy (so to speak.) This is a multi-lingual pun my dad pulled when warning us that he was going to eat all of the delicious Greek goat cheese my mom had put out as a snack. "You guys better come and get it," He called, "before it's a feta-compli [pronounced "fait accompli]." Le hahahaha...

[Wicked]

Old Laugh In one liner, my hubby and I use it all the time.
Man to a woman: Do you believe in the hereafter?
Woman: Yes
Man: Good, then you know what I'm here after!!!

[Stef]

My husband was joking around one day and told me he had 'the decision-making penis'. I told him "Yeah, well I have the veto-vagina". He didn't have a comeback to that.

[lmoylan]

OMG Stef, I will have to remember that one!

I am not nearly as clever on the spot like my husband. If people gave me an hour to respond I know I would be a hilarious person.

[Jen]

Inappropriate alert!

I may or may not have heard when out this weekend someone say:
"He's not all that but I'd still put my thighs on his sideburns."

DEAD!

[Shaina]

i'm with alexandra and lmoylan, i don't often remember mine because i don't come up with them very often. when i do they're awesome! the closest i have come in recent memory is where a friend and i were having an online conversation...

David: < - hates the way i look in pictures
me: <----does too, most of them anyways
David: < -------------enjoys writing arrows with increasingly long tails
me: <----------------------------------------------- will beat you
David: <-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- insert penis joke here
me: <------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- insert your mom joke here

there's no way to top that! so he awarded me an internet for best your mom joke evar. we laughed SO hard. :-D

[andygirl]

easy!

I was having sexy time with my ex. and I don't remember what I said to make him say this, but he said: you say potato. and I jumped in with: and I say fuck me.

it worked. he did.

[Emeralde]

You know, I'm always making my husband crack up with one-liners, but I can't remember any of them!! I even asked him if he remembered what we were laughing about just last night. Apparently, we're getting old. haha