The Crazy In My Head

Note: This is the first in a series of posts about how batshit crazy I am.

I do not suffer from depression - not even the postpartum kind.  I don't have any kind of eating disorders or any of the other common women's mental health issues.

I don't have ADD or ADHD or, even though I joke about it, OCD.  I'm my own kind of crazy.

People have called me manic, hyper and intense.  Other people have said that it should be illegal for me to take stimulants of any kind - including caffeine and ephedrine.

Here's my problem: I can't sit still.  I can't sit down in a bar.  I can't sit in a chair at work unless I am typing.  I can't sit down to eat any mean except for dinner and I can't sit at the dinner table once I've finished eating.  I can't watch movies because I can't commit to sitting still for that long and I can only watch 1 hour shows if I TIVO them and fast forward through the commercials because 60 minutes is too long.

If I am walking from my kitchen, through my diningroom to get to the foyer I will often stop to dust the sideboard, vaccuum the floor or sweep cobwebs from the ceiling and chandelier.

If I have a LUXURIOUS weekend filled with NOTHING to do I will call my mother and ask her to buy a bushel of quahogs (clams) that need to be scrubbed, cooked, cut and made into sauce over the course of 6 hours.

If I go to bed early because I am EXHAUSTED I will get up 6 times while I'm trying to fall asleep to add things to my to-do list.

I have 4 children, a full time job, I coach soccer and lacrosse.  I have a blog, a (coming soon!) small business and I try to volunteer at my children's school. 

I rarely stop.  I can't stop.  I don't know how to relax.  Sometimes I start clearing plates before people have stopped eating.  Sometimes I am cleaning up from a party before people have left.  Sometimes I do it before people have ARRIVED.

THAT is the crazy in my head, a nagging voice that says, "Just one more thing, just one more thing, just one more thing and then it will ALL be done."

But it's never all done.  So I never sit down.

Someday my tombstone will say, Here Lies Kit.  She died of a stroke.  But she got a lot done.

;)

 

Comments

[Kim]

I want some of this. Bottle it and you will be freaking RICH. And never work again. Which will of course, be troublesome for you . . bottle it and give it to ME. I'll sell it, become rich and never work again!!

[Mrs. MidAtlantic]

You are welcome to stop by my house and clean the ceilings ANY DAY YOU WANT. I would put my address here so you could look it up on Google, but Hubby tells me that's not a good idea. We wouldn't want anyone crazy trying to steal our TV or anything. Wait. I hate that TV. Maybe we do? I'm confused.

[Shannon]

It's possible your tombstone will say, "Here lies Kit. No, wait." And of course, the eulogy may be pre-written, as a time saver, you know.

[andygirl]

it's like restless leg syndrome. only in your head. restless head syndrome. aaaaand that sounds dirty.

[Lisa]

Do you want to change? I can't really tell but it does sound like you take some pride in being in constant motion.

It sounds exhausting to be around, much less live. From my own experience, and from others, being caught up in constant motion is a nice coping mechanism to avoid having to think about whatever I don't want to think about, whatever I don't want to face.

Is there something you are desperately trying not to think about? So much so that you won't give yourself a moment's peace? Look, we're only ready when we're ready, so maybe you're not ready to face whatever it is right now, so staying on the gerbil wheel works for you for now. What if you remained open to the idea of slowing down? Taking in the moment? Just "be" without doing?

You might be interested in this blog post. Here's an excerpt:

This presence, this focus, is what really matters. It does require a quantity of time to be present. And this presence makes for very high quality time.

Easier said than done. But this is the heart of mindful parenting, and it allows us to stop judging ourselves. When we parent mindfully, we are simply taking in what is in the here and now, without judgment. We are aware of our own moods, and those of our children. We cease our relentless planning and our relentless doing.

This means, for me, that I need to stop multi-tasking with my kids. I am always doing something; actually, usually I’m both doing AND planning for the next thing. Which means I’m not focused. There is the egregious not-present, as when during our family dinner I’m checking something else off my list: I wolf my food down, then bring a stack of mail to open while my slow-eating-children finish.

http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/raising_happiness/post/september_2010_newsletter_quality_time/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+berkeley%2FMMpu+Raising+Happiness#When:22:00:00Z

[Tracy]

This behavior usually gets a "she needs to get laid" comment from me, but is seems like you aren't lacking there. And even if you were, Carmen takes good care of you. But we all have our own kind of crazy.

[Lindsey]

I fell asleep reading this because it made my lazy, fat-ass, tired. Now I'm exhausted from your hard days work.

Thanks a lot........psycho.

[Dave_6]

wow I'm like that too but not as bad.. I cannot sit through a movie at home but can manage at theater but have to pee after an hour lol
I always turn channel during commercials when watching tv but usually don't turn it on.

[Charlotte]

You have just described me to a T! Drives my husband up the damn wall b/c he LOVES going to movies. I HATE it because I don't want to sit still for 90 plus minutes doing NOTHING ELSE but watching a movie! I get you girl!

[Ginny]

I crochet while I watch TV, because I can't be still either but if I don't sit, M goes CRAZY!!! He thinks I'm not paying attention, doesn't get the meaning of multi-tasking!

[[email protected] Talk]

A woman of my heart. I have severe issues focusing and relaxing. I'll get it...some day!