Dangerous Letters, Vol 22: I think this was supposed to be about BUSH.

My son is playing football.  He's 8.  He has practice 4 nights/week from 5:30 - 7:30.  This is right in the middle of dinner.  I am on vacation next week and we can't go away because he has practice.  We COULD go away but then he would get CREAMED in his first game.

I don't want him to get creamed so I am trying to be as supportive as possible.  This means turning my house upside down at dinner time.  My house is ALWAYS upside down at dinner time.  Turning my normally upside down house, upside down, does not, as you might think, turn it right side up.

People are tired (possibly me.)  People are hungry (possibly me.)  People are CRANKY (definitely me.)

Most nights I make 3 different meals, an adult meal, a kids meal and a hybrid.  But I make them at the same time.  Lately I make 3 different meals, TWICE.  That's 6 meals for any of you who flunked 2nd grade.

Also, lately I have been stressed about money.  Mainly because there are a lot of things that I want that I can't afford.  Things like luxury vacations and massages and a CLEANING LADY and a lawn service.

(ASIDE: If this blog ever becomes HUGE and I make more that $0.15/month on ads I will give away massages and cleaning ladies every week.  People NEED these things. I NEED these things.)

Anyway, I've been stressed about money so I decided to look for a new job.  So now I'm stressed about money AND about getting a new job.  And then I realized that I have no clothes for an interview and now I'm stressed about money, getting a new job and shopping.  Shopping made me realize that I don't want to spend money (see stressing about money) on clothes that don't look FANTASTIC. And after trying on 75bajillion outfits that totally sucked I took the last outfit off and before I put my clothes on I LOOKED IN THE MIRROR.  NAKED.

So now I'm stressed about the last 10 pounds that I never managed to lose after I got pregnant THE FIRST TIME.  And I joined Weight Watchers.

So now I'm stressed about money, a job search, shopping for clothes that look fabulous without spending money and H.U.N.G.R.Y.

And you wonder why there haven't been any sex posts lately.

The other night I raced home from work and ran to the grocery store to buy food for the 6 dinners that I had to make.  But first I had to go to the football field and meet my husband to pick up the younger three kids.

While I'm standing there at the grocery store in the Check-out line I see, in HUGE letters, VA-JAY-JAYS.  And I think. "Huh.  I just learned what that word means but APPARENTLY it DOES NOT mean what I thought it meant or it wouldn't be prominently displayed in the grocery store in 72pt font."

So I looked closer and saw "COSMO" on the masthead.

I nodded and read the rest of the cover.  I felt dirty.  And old.  It was pornography.  I'd love to read it for tips for myself but I can't have that in my house.  What if my kids read it?  I don't want my daughters to learn about sex from a magazine, I want them to learn the way I did, in the backseat.

After my initial shock, I looked again to see what was so important about VA-JAY-JAYS that it had to be on the cover of Cosmo in 72pt font.

As if there weren't enough stress in my life, NOW I find out that FULL BUSH is back.  (FYI, in the interest of journalistic integrity I tried to go to Cosmo's website to see what the actual cover quote was but the site is BLOCKED by my employer (the BASTARDS) as R-RATED (I told you.))

So now I'm walking around with an UNFASHIONABLY BARE BEAVER (which FUCKING HURT BTW) worried about $$, getting a new job, shopping for clothes that look fabulous without spending money and HUNGRY.

Also, did I mention NO SEX?

It's like a bad Christmas Carol that keeps going over an over.

Except in mine it would be 5 GOL-DEN COCK RINGS.

THE END.

P.S. I have an interview on Friday.  Wish me luck.

P.P.S.  Wineparty is tonight.  I'll be snorting evaporated grain alcohol.  I hope to see you there before my vision goes.

P.P.P.S. NEXT Friday is my Birthday.  XXXIX baby.  That's like Triple X-Rated but MORE.

P.P.P.P.S. This was supposed to be the weekly wrap up.  Oops.

P.P.P.P.P.S. My "to-do" list contains the line "Write post called 'THE CRAZY IN MY HEAD.'"  but I think I just did.

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Comments

[Paxochka]

I love you.
I love tired you.
I love stressed you.
I love hungry you.
I love "poor" you.
I love all of you.

Good luck for the interview. And inhale that grain alcohol. Wine party needs you.

[Micrathene]

{{{HUGS}}} I'm sorry about all the stress.

Bush or lack thereof is nobody's business but yours and the hubby's.

Good luck with your interview, and I'll be at #wineparty tonight for immoral support.

[D H-Arza]

Stress is a vicious cycle...I stress about everything too even things I can't control...I wish you luck on your interview...

[Analog Kid]

Cosmo is a bunch of lying liars that lie. Full bush reached its term limit can never come back again.

[buzzvibe]

Meh, Cosmo is nothing but glossy bullshit anyway. Bunch of social-climbing women with nothing better to do than polish turds. /snark

I also have to cook multiple meals, due to various food allergies, DH's aversion to vegetables, and a son who only ever eats 3 things. Oh, and stress sucks. I hope things get easier.

[angela]

Hmmm, Cosmo just ran out of ways to talk about the trimmed bush, so they decided to go wild (in more ways than one) and make women feel like there's one more thing they need to do to "Drive Him WILD" or "Turn Him On!" Sorry about the stresses, and good luck at the interview.

[The Vibrator Non-Virgin]

I don't care WHAT Cosmo says! After the money spent and the pain endured to Brazilian the lady downstairs, Cosmo can suck it! Not to mention, the boyfriend was EXTREMELY pleased.

So sorry about all the stresses! :( Things will look up soon! Good luck on your interview! :)

[Ssgheislerswife]

Now I know why I love your blog so much, why it's like you're channelling my thoughts. WE HAVE THE SAME BIRTHDAY!!!

[Elle]

This my first visit to your blog and I have to say I love it. Your post is hilarious because I can relate to it. The stress, the meals, the stress. I wish there was a real life easy button to take all of our stresses away, but alas, there isn't. Good luck with the interview. I'm trying to get to that stage so you're already heading in the right direction.

[Rachel]

I'm a new reader and this entire post had me bent over laughing. I was nodding my head the whole way through. I think Cosmo is confused though. The only place the full bush is coming back is in horror movie porn. I can hope anyway.
What's this wineparty I've heard so much about on twitter?
Good luck on the interview! I look forward to reading about it and your birthday.

[Tracy]

Is all this talk of massage a result of my blog??

Cosmo...I decided they were bullshit when they ran an article about how women should get on the kind of birth control that allows only four periods a year. Great, but they advised that our periods are an inconvenience (sp) to our men and anyone else who didn't menstrate, so dry it up! Same issue, they educated women with or without overactive bladder how to train their bladders to hold more pee, as our frequent potty breaks were annoying to our men. Never mind child-bearing, train that bladder! Seriously. I spit on Cosmo. Their sex tips are IDENTICAL every SINGLE month. Every. Single. Year. And now I will get down off this soapbox. Hope you get massage soon.

[Kristi]

This may be my favorite post you've ever written. And although I shouldn't get my pleasure from your obvious multi-layered pain, I do because I myself am having some of the forementioned problems and can totally relate. Good luck and remember that when you are at rock bottom, there is no where to go but up! :)

[WickedShawn]

Cosmo is so 70's. Now they have merely proven it by taking their bush back with them.

Good luck with the job interview. Don't be hard on yourself with the clothes, it is all the fault of the store lighting. I don't know how this actually could be true, but please don't prove my theory wrong, I need it to stay sane.
Kthanxbye.

[Zelmarl]

OMG! The hubby had to come over to see if I was OK cause I was laughing so hard! I can totally relate to the stress, and having it read back to me is hilarious! Good to know I'm not alone.

Also, forget Cosmo, it's what you & your hubby prefer. Me? Naked lady downstairs, and hubby likey :)

P.S. - Good luck on the interview!

[Serene]

Great post. Breathe, hon, breathe.

And just to be a dissenting voice, full bush never left around here, and neither of my boyfriends seems to mind, not that they get a vote, it being mine and all.

[HO. (Really, it is.)]

I want to know how they know there is a full bush trend. Is there a band of naked bushed women wandering around somewhere that I don't know about?? I can see realizing the unibrow was back or something, but I just don't understand the mass bush awareness.

BREaTHE.

And good luck on your interview.

[Wicked]

Oh B.D. you are a gal that I can totally relate to!! I drag around the same big old bag o' stress and it sucks! And why the hell can't everyone eat the same freakin' thing?!? All my girlfriends and I will agree to eat dirt if we don't have to cook it 3 different ways & then clean up after it too!! The job will be yours if it is meant to be, if not, then screw them, their loss! You can always come hang out with me my porch and we'll drink wine until the stress goes away!

[subWOW]

COSMO? They still publish that magazine?

[Jess@Straight Talk]

So now that Bush is back, you'll save money by not having to get a painful ass Brazilian. Double win.

Good luck with the job thing...I feel your pain.

[LadyMax]

I called bs on Cosmo years ago when one of their "beauty tips" was that semen makes your teeth white. Not that my husband would argue but come on now...haven't read an issue since! Don't let those fools get you down!