BloggingDangerously

Keeping it PG: Ten Things That Have Made Me Laugh Lately

I know you're disappointed, but I have a good reason... I just can't tell you what it is yet.  If you're dying to know check out my Twitter Stream otherwise you're going to have to wait a couple of weeks for me to tell you what's going on.

In the mean time...

1. Lately every time I turn around my sons are shooting at each other with improvised guns.  Sometimes they are legos made into guns, sometimes it's a stick shaped like a gun, once my son bit his slice of American cheese so that it resembled a gun.  No lie.

Sunday morning I walked into the tv room and my oldest son was watching a war show about the SS.  I lost it. "NO." I said.  "You're 8 years old and you don't need to know about the killing methods of the SS."  I turned off the tv and changed the parental code.  Later I suggested that we read a book together.  We picked up The Lightening Thief.  He read, "Being a Half-Blood is dangerous.  It's scary.  Most of the time it gets you killed in painful, nasty ways."  Then he stopped, turned to me and said, "You'll let me read this but I can't watch HISTORY?"  He had me.  "Just keep reading." I told him.

2.  My son is playing football.  Last week, according to my husband, "he ricocheted off a tackling dummy, went flying through the air and landed on his back."  During this story my son interrupted to tell say, "I wasn't flying.  I prefer to think of it as falling with style."

3. Yesterday my 3yo turned to my 6yo and scolded, "You need to listen better!"  My husband said to her, "So do you."  She looked at him, rolled her eyes and said, "No I don't.  I'm in charge."

4. Last week after a particularly good day with the kids I said to them.  "You guys are really getting big.  I'm going to have to start letting you do more things."  My 6 yo jumped up and ran toward the kitchen calling, "I'm going to do the DISHES!"  I didn't let him but I hope that enthusiasm stays with him.

5. At dinner last night my husband mentioned how we kiss the kids goodnight every night before bed.  My daughter asked us what they looked like when they're sleeping.  "Well," he told her, "half the time you're upside down in bed.  And your little sister always FALLS out of bed."  (The little sister looked sheepish.)

"And you," he pointed to the oldest, "You always jump a mile when we come in."  "What about me?" asked the 6yo.   "You," I said, "you're always coughing and farting and snorting as usual."  I was totally kidding but he objected, "I don't SNORT!"

6. I like to mess with my kids.  Keep them on their toes.  I want them to be neurotic and paranoid like I am.  For example, If I have my hands over my head and someone passes within 15 feet of me I rapidly bring my arms to my sides.  I can't help it - it all comes from being tickled ALL THE TIME as a child.

So the other day my husband went out and before he left he kissed everyone of us.  As soon as the door closed I walked into the sun room where my 6yo son was playing quietly by himself - the others were in the TV room.  "Now there's no one to hear you scream." I said.  It sounded really creepy when I said it but luckily he laughed.  Then he yelled, "HELP."

Suddenly I was swarmed by 4 of them and brought to my knees.  "I've got her" my 3yo said, kicking like she didn't know it was a game.  And then my 5 year old daughter yelled, "ALL FOR ONE!" and the others echoed back, "AND ONE FOR ALL!" 

Sweetness.

7. A couple of days ago my 8yo was watching a tv show about science.  The show said that there was scientific proof that the moon was shrinking.  He started explaining it to my younger children.  They started asking questions.  And suddenly there was a thoughtful discussion happening in my livingroom on whether or not the moon was shrinking, why scientists thought that it was and what it meant.  I was afraid to walk into the room and bring the academic level down a notch.

8.  We had some work done on our house and I needed to pay the contractor.  I told him that I would get cash for him and call him today to drop it off.  I called him and he didn't answer.  Finally he called me back tonight and when I saw it was him I answered the phone and said, "Some chick is driving around town with a wad of cash for you and you don't answer the phone?"

He laughed and said, "Oh, that's funny, some hot chick is driving around with cash."

I said, "I didn't say hot, but I'll take it."  I think he was embarrassed.

9.  Every night at 11 my husband turns off his computer and goes to bed.  I always say, "I'll be there in a couple minutes" but then a wormhole opens in my office and it's suddenly 1am.  Of course when I DO go to bed I still have to wash my face and brush my teeth and I invariably wake him up.  That's why he gave me the rufi melatonin last week.

Tonight he just came over and told me how sweet he thought it was last week when I called him my life partner here.  After he walked away I looked suspiciously at my open can of Diet Coke and said, "You didn't drop a melatonin in there did you?"  He just smiled.  I had to throw it out.

10. Friday was my birthday.  My husband got up with the kids and had them all make me birthday cards.  When my 5yo daughter handed it to me she wrapped her arms around me and said, "You're the best mommy a little girl could wish for."

BEST. BIRTHDAY. EVER.

I'm not a Doctor but I play one in the bedroom.

Last week on vacaction we spent 1 day at a park about an hour from my house.  Everyone hit the bathroom and then we hit the road.

About 20 minutes down the highway my husband decided that he had to pee again.  Check your phone for traffic he said.  I did, it LOOKED green.  And then traffic slowed to a crawl and stopped.  When it looked like we could be there for a while he pulled over onto the shoulder and got out of the car to pee.  We have an SUV and he stood beside the front passenger side door.  He opened the rear passenger side door and peed toward it (NOT on it) so that oncoming traffic couldn't see him.

My son called from the back seat, "I have to pee too!"  "Okay," we told him.  He climbed out of his seat and walked around to where my husband was standing.  He squared up behind my husband.  I was distracted by my daughter but when I noticed the grin on my son's face I realized that he was about to pee all over my husband's feet. "Turn around!" I yelled in the nick of time.

My husband jumped out of the way, turned my son around and they both finished their business and got back into the car.

15 minutes later my husband groaned.  "I have to pee AGAIN!" he said.  "What's wrong with me?"

"Maybe you should have your prostate looked at." I said, swirling my index finger menacingly in the air.

He paused and asked, "Do you know what to look for?"

I almost peed in my pants I was laughing so hard!

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Dangerous Letters, Vol 23: Happy Birthday to Me

Today is my birthday.  And when I think of all of the things that I'm stressing about lately I'm happy to say that this blog is decidedly NOT one of them.  In fact, besides my marriage and my children I think it's one of the things that's going best - and one of the things I have the most fun doing.  (Well, except the OBVIOUS.)

So, on my birthday, I'd like to take a moment to say THANK YOU.

Also - because it's my BIRTHDAY - I'd like to ask you for a quick favor.  You see, when I started this blog I had VERY LOW expectations, but as the traffic has grown, so have my expectations and NOW I would someday like to be one of the MOST POWERFUL women in media (anonymously, of course.)

But the only way for that to happen is for me to win some crazy blogger award that generates TONS more traffic.  But the only way to WIN that type of award is to have TONS of traffic.  (It's a SICK, TWISTED CIRCLE.)

So I'm asking you, NAY, BEGGING you, that if you like this blog, if it makes you laugh or makes you think, or makes you horny, PLEASE forward it to anyone who won't think you're a complete FREAK for sending it?  And ask them to do the same???  Pretty please with BIRTHDAY CAKE frosting on top?

If you're a results person, and you want to know what's in it for you, let me tell you.  Once I make more than NOTHING from this blog I'm going to start giving away the MOST HEDONISTIC gifts.  Things like MASSAGES and HOUSECLEANING and WINE.  It's going to be RAUCOUS.

THANK YOU.

In case you forgot, it's my birthday.  Because of that, and to celebrate a near-unmasking this week, I'm going tell you 39 things about me.  Here goes:

1. I am afraid of heights.  Well, more exactly, FALLING from extreme heights.  When we went to Disney World this year I rode EVERY roller coaster TWICE but skipped Tower of Terror.  Today, at a water park I waited in line for 20 minutes for a ride where you plummet twice, sat in the chute and then chickened out.

2. I've been to 19 different countries (not including small, island, vacation nations.)  I traveled to ALL of these countries between the ages of 23 and 29.  In the past 10 years I have not left the United States.  This makes me sad.

3. The best meal I make is Baked Stuffed Lobster or T-Bone steaks.  It depends on what you're in the mood for.

4. I drank more alcohol between the ages of 20 and 30 than I will EVER be able to consume over the course of the REST of my life.

5. I met my husband when I gave up trying to pretend I wasn't crazy and started looking for someone who loved my kind of crazy.

6. My favorite sports are snowboarding and running. (Definitely snowboarding for fun-ness, but running because it's always in season.)

7. My favorite Winter Olympic sport used to be Figure skating.  Now it's snowboard cross.  Screw grace and flexibility when you can have strong, powerful women jostling each other. (When I am one of the most powerful women in media Snowboard cross will bump the Superbowl!)

8. My favorite place to be is at the ocean - any ocean.

9.  I was chased by pirates once. (Real ones. Scary.)

10. I climbed to the top of Africa.  It wasn't as easy as they say but it was a lot more fun.

11. I have a tattoo and a bellybutton ring.

12. I don't eat chocolate of any type, ever.

13. My favorite book ever is Atlas Shrugged. 

14. My favorite poem is IF.

15. My favorite relative was my grandmother.  (I was her favorite too. shh)

16. I have an engineering degree.

17.  I have NO sense of direction.

18. I am ADDICTED to Diet Coke.

19. I believe in Karma.

20. My favorite color is GREEN.

21. I like to learn new things. (Cooking and gardening are going okay; knitting and sewing, not so much.)

22. I have raced in 1 marathon and 3 triathlons.

23. I did not win.

24. I love math and science and reading and writing and languages.

25. Music and Art COMPLETELY escape me.

26. My favorite flowers are Zinnias.

27. I love to be barefoot.

28. I LOVE summer.

29. I speak French.  And some arabic.

30. I find it hard to gain weight. :) And hard to lose weight :(

31. My favorite ice cream is COFFEE. (mixed with peppermint stick!)

32. My favorite fruit are bananas.

33. I can't sing a note.

34. My children are totally AWESOME. 

35. So is my husband.

36.  I am very lucky.

37.  I often forget that.

38.  But that's all that matters.

39. My birthday wish is to do a better job remembering that this year.

That's it folks.  Hope I didn't bore you too much!

See you at #wineparty tonight?  I'll be the drunk girl singing "Happy Birthday to Me" at the top of her lungs. Poorly.

P.S. Don't forget to share my blog with your friends, after all, It's my birthday. (THANKS!)

The Point of Twitter

I've been meaning to write this post for a long time.

A friend of mine - who is a professional writer - asked me what the heck the point of Twitter is.  And I have to admit that I totally understood where she was coming from.  Twitter has been around for something like 4 years and I've logged exactly 6.5 months. 

Of course, in the 6.5 months since I joined I've tweeted almost 13,000 times and now, the POINT is completely obvious - to me.

So here it is, FIRST you have to find out what your OWN POINT is, what you're looking for.  And THEN you can see if Twitter can BE THAT for you.

If you're a spammer, looking for clicks and suckers then, Yeah, sadly, Twitter can be that for you.

But if you're a person, looking to connect with other people, Twitter can TOTALLY be that for you.

As a matter of fact that's what I think Twitter is best for.  As I explained to my husband, Twitter is great because it's a PURELY cerebral connection between two people without any prejudice at all regarding looks, dress, profession, education, etc.

It's two mom's talking about teething or cloth diapers or #PPD.  It's strangers sharing stories and Friday nights over a glass of wine.

Sure there are some people who tweet because they DON'T have a life but most people tweet because the life that they HAVE keeps them at home or in their office INSTEAD of out with their friends.  So they find friends on Twitter; friends who understand when they suddenly disappear for 3 days and then reappear, friends who are willing to offer all sorts of support, understanding and advice and don't take it personally when you don't take any of it.

Anyone else?  What do you think the point of Twitter is?

Dillies

When I was in college I had two gay friends named Jim and Andy.  But we weren't always friends.

My sophomore year Andy was friends with a bunch of girls in my suite.  He and I HATED each other.  He was an uptight prick with a militant liberal agenda.  Remember that I was a Republican.

I spent second semester that year at another university and when I came back to school in the fall he had pierced both ears, died his hair platinum and regularly wore drag to campus events.  He was significantly less uptight.

The first time I met Jim was at a University Men's Club meeting.  It was also a Militant Liberal group made up of mostly gay men who wanted to get together and talk about their anti-women sentiment in an effort to promote feminism.  The fliers clearly specified, "NO WOMEN ALLOWED."  This seemed hilarious to me so I went.  I was the only woman there.  We spent the first 60 minutes of the meeting discussing whether or not I should be allowed to stay.  Half of them thought I should be made to leave because I was female, the other half thought I should be allowed to stay because I was female.

Finally, Jim interrupted the discussion. (He was well aware of my political leanings.)  "Listen," he said. "You can't kick her out because she's FEMALE.  But you CAN kick her out because she's EVIL."

That actually made perfect sense to me and, once I'd stopped laughing hysterically, I left.  Jim and I were pretty much best friends after that - since we were the only two people in the room who understood that my staying, or not, had nothing to do with my genitalia and everything to do with how committed I was to their cause.

Anyway, Jim and Andy and I became inseparable - even on Sunday nights which was a big night for gay clubbing in Boston.  I would go out with them and after a time even the drag queens were nice. (They're not typically very female-friendly.)

Some nights we would leave the bar with a 4th or a 5th person in the car.  Jim hooked up regularly with a boy named Chris whom we lovingly referred to as Chris-Incontinent-Chris because he ALWAYS peed in Jim's bed.  I don't know about gay culture but the first incident of bed peeing would probably have done it for me.

Sometimes, if neither of them met someone at the bar we would leave at 2am and drive over to an outdoor area known for 'cruising' by gay men.  I would usually fall asleep in the backseat, parked on the side of the road while they wandered into the bushes.  Good times.

Junior year the 3 of us lived together and sometimes on Sunday mornings I would come out of my room to find a strange man in the living room.  I always knew that he'd been picked up in some random outdoor place and my favorite pasttime was to say, "So how did you two meet?" just to see the horror on his face and watch him stammer until Jim would yell from the other room, "SHUT UP! You know how we met."  At which point I would collapse in laughter and then make breakfast.

They taught me about the Sidewalk Sale - that CRUSH of DESPERATE people who pour out of the bar after last call - who are suddenly on bargain basement clearance now that they're faced with the prospect of going home alone.

It's funny now to think about how anti-gay I was when I got to college and how wrapped up in gay culture I was by the end of 4 years.  It's interesting how your perspective on things changes when you have a chance to see them up close.

When I told my 89 year old Catholic grandmother that I was living with two gay guys I thought she would be horrified.  She looked at me strangely and asked, "You mean they're dillies?"

I had never heard the word before but knew that she got it.

"Yes." I told her.

She shrugged.  I guess after 89 years you realize that you have better things to do with your time than worry about what other people are doing.