The Girl from Ipanema or, How to say "F*CK THAT HURTS!" in Portuguese

I keep a list of potential blog post topics on my computer so that when writer's block hits I can refer to it and hopefully come up with something that amuses you.  Last week I INNOCENTLY posted a story about "the hair down there" and it started a firestorm of commenting and tweeting that led me back to a 2 year old email from my friend J- recommending a Brazilian waxing salon west of Boston that gave GREAT Brazilian waxes for $30. 

A Brazilian Wax has been on my list for a long time.  It seemed like this was a good time to cross it off the list and LOVE IT or cross it off the list for all time - all while doing important research for the blog. :)

I hemmed and hawed all weekend.  I mentioned it to my husband.  He was intrigued.  Yesterday morning (Tuesday) I called at 8 AM.  No one answered.  I called again at 9:30 and asked for a noon appointment.  They could squeeze me in!

Normally I wouldn't be able to skip out on work for 3 hours (2 hour drive+ 1 HR procedure) to be tortured beautified but I had a business meeting 10 minutes from the salon so it was perfect.  Drive out, spend lunchtime on all fours and be back in business attire for my meeting.  Who could argue with a plan like that?

I got ready for work at home opting to forgo mascara - just in case there were tears later on.  I also chose boy brief underwear thinking that a thong might rub me the wrong way later.

People recommended that I take Ibuprofen beforehand.  Not having any, I downed Excedrin.  Apparently caffeine (like they add to Excedrin) is the WORST thing for hair removal pain relief.  Who knew.

I got in my car and drove west.  Manifest Destiny and all that, right?  When I got to the salon I was early.  I sat in my car for a minute and then put lipstick on.  I figure that was the thing to do before introducing my vagina to a new friend right?

(I put the lipstick on my MOUTH.  Sorry if that was confusing.)

I walked in.  They asked me to sit in the waiting area.  I noticed the bathrooms.  I wondered about pee etiquette before a brazilian waxing.  I had JUST showered before I left home and had not gone to the bathroom before leaving.  But I HAD drunk and entire 20oz Diet Coke in the car and was starting to feel it.  I definitely didn't want to have to pee during the procedure.  I went to the bathroom and VERY CAREFULLY cleaned up afterward.

They sent me back to the waxing room.  I looked around.  The salon had 16' ceilings but the walls of the waxing room were only about 10' high - so people outside would be able to hear me scream.  Good to know.  The room was about 6' wide and 10' long with a bed and a small table with wax on it.  I tried to make small talk with the technician, "It's hot." I said.  In reality it was about 5000 degrees in there.

It quickly became apparent that she spoke no english - and was of questionable immigration status.  "It's my first time." I said, hoping for some words of reassurance or at least some reassuring portuguese nodding.  I got nothing.  She turned away to grab some muslin strips.  When she turned back she looked at me and then motioned to the floor.  I guessed that was my cue to drop 'em.  She watched as I stepped out of my shoes, pants and panties.  Even my OB/GYN who is about to scrape my cervix leaves the room while I get naked.  Oh well.

She motions to the table.  I lie down.  She spreads my legs.  No towel to cover anything, I'm just there in all my terrified glory.

The smell of the wax reminds me of previous waxing attempts on my legs and lower stomach. They ended poorly.  I am suddenly reminded that Hair removal and I are not on friendly terms.  This thought hits me about a half a second before she pulls the first strip off.

I have to hand it to myself.  I did not scream.  But only because my ENTIRE FIST was in my mouth.  She kept going.  I had my left hand pressed against the wall, my right hand clenched against my diaphragm to prevent a breath large enough to generate a SCREAM.  When she got to the sensitive part on the right side I launched the full 16' feet up to the ceiling, dug my nails in and held on for dear life until I noticed the other customers looking at me and dropped back down to the table.  "Whoa!" she said, the only word she uttered the entire time that I understood.

I almost had her stop right there.  There was NO FUCKING WAY I could last through the rest of it.  I thought about people who get half tattoos and then realized that this was totally different - no one would ever know, I could just go home and shave  No worries.  But before my thought process was done she had moved on to clean up on that side and after the NERVE DAMAGE it hardly hurt at all.

I let her keep going.  I still had my left hand pressed to the wall, I still clenched my right hand to my diaphragm. My right hand was sweating, my shirt was drenched.  Did I mention it was 1 MILLION degrees in there and I was being TORTURED.

She kept going.  She nudged my legs apart and really got in there.  I was DYING.  People, I am a BABY when it comes to hair removal but I've had 4 c-sections and this hurt way worse than that.  To add insult to injury the "technician" kept a running gossip session going with the manicurist on the other side of the wall.  The conversation was in portuguese so it wasn't even a distraction for me.  Also, it wasn't loud so it was obvious that everyone in the salon could hear my gasps of pain.

She did a good job.  I can tell because there is NO PART of me that didn't SCREAM IN AGONY.  There was definite wax in contact with my 'love button' and even when she didn't get wax where it shouldn't be, her gloves got wax on them and wherever she would touch me would stick to them.  Irritating because she was usually touching me to keep whatever she was touching AWAY from the wax!

She didn't ask me if I wanted her to leave any - but the fact that I had a triangle before was obvious.  I had planned to have her take it off - just to see what it looked like - but I was in so much pain that the thought of having any more taken off was inconceivable so I just had her shape it and trim it.  "Next time..." I said, fooling myself.

Finally she broke out the clean up lotion.  Just when I thought she was done she had me roll over.  She went to work again.  It wasn't as bad this time, not as painful, not as AWFUL but unpleasant.

Finally she was done and I got off the table.  I got dressed while she picked up.  My clothes stuck.  "Ah, there's still wax." I said, not daring to hope that she would understand, but she did.  She gave me a towel with wax remover on it.  It helped but later I would find more wax in HARD TO REACH places.

I actually THANKED her.  I ACTUALLY TIPPED her!  As I turned to leave she said, "What's your name?" Suddenly I felt dirty, like the morning after a one night stand where you realize that it wasn't special after all.  I gave her my name. She couldn't pronounce it.  I didn't correct her. 

As I left I was ogled by two construction workers.  I thought, "If they only knew" but now I wonder if they saw the limp in my step and DID KNOW.

I called my husband, "OW!" I told him.

"I'll kiss it and make it feel better," he promised.

During my meeting later I suddenly realized that my ass was on fire - all pins and needles and stingy.  At first I sat up in my seat thinking it was the chair and then, realizing it was actually my ASS, I just ignored it as best I could.

When I got home I showed my husband.  He screamed.  "Maybe you should have waited to show me until the swelling went down." he said. (It was only mildly swollen but INCREDIBLY red.)

After the kids went to bed he gave me a tender look. "I can't!" I said, terrified.  I'm calling a 3 day moratorium on sex.  I think my tenderest parts will need at least that long to recover.

Everyone is telling me that the next time will be easier.  There's a chance that I will give it another shot.  The results are absolutely fantastic (if I do say so myself) and next time I will follow suggestions to load up on narcotics ibuprofen beforehand. 

(Sex review to follow once the moratorium has been lifted.)

Comments

[GiGi]

Much braver than I! But good work enduring this for writer's integrity or whatever.

[CDG]

Thank god there are brave bloggers like yourself to confirm for me that I will NEVER fucking EVER subject myself to that.

If I knew you, I'd buy you a drink. Or ten. Just for saving me the pain.

[Kim]

Amen to the buying of drinks. Have a bottle or 5 on me. Then get someone else to drive you to the next appointment so it can be a slushy memory :)

[D H-Arza]

Wow...I feel for you...you are alot braver than me...I have often thought about doing it but never did...Now, I know that I never will...I can't wait to hear if it was worth it at least..

[A mommy]

Well I must say this is something that I had thought about doing...but now...um I dont think so. Thank you for such detail and talking me OUT of it!!

[Dramaindc]

This is a horror story! I will need to "man" up now to do the same.

[Suz]

I remember watching my good friend walk ever so gingerly across the fields at a lacrosse game, drop oh so cautiously into a chair, wince painfully - then lean over to whisper "oh mother of god and all that is holy, I feel like I have a fucking angry tomato in my pants!" Best description of a Brazilian I have ever heard.

[Steph]

Like I told you last night, you're much braver than me. Thank you for sharing your story and reinforcing why I will never, never, NEVER, EVER do that!! Some places just aren't made to have hot wax near them.

[Jo]

Could you please give a warning to pregnant women next time you do a post like this? I VERY nearly peed my pants laughing. Not at your pain of course but dear God IN HEAVEN woman, you are some funny lady.

[Domesticated Gal]

Ugh - first, go somewhere else! If they have you help pull the skin taut it hurts WAY less. Also? ALOE IS YOUR FRIEND. Seriously, find some of that aloe gel you use for sunburns and slather it on.

[Dani_Zaz]

I used to wax back in the day of being single and agony was acceptable for catching a man. The last I did it, my skin was so sensitive and I looked like the 40-yo virgin after his waxing session. Your post brought back the old anxiety and I think I need a drink!

[Maytina]

You are hilarious. I have gotten this done on the regular since before I got married. :P Aloe after is good, ibuprofen before is ok the first few times, but it's really not that bad after a few sessions. Now, I'm emailing on my BlackBerry while I'm 'sitting like a froggy' as the little Vietnamese woman says to me. ;)

I always do it on a day when I know my husband is way too busy to be into it so after all these years he still has no idea there is swelling after. Ha!

[Jess]

I can't say your story doesn't mimic my first time in so many ways! And when I say first time, I mean the ONLY time, but like you, I am totally willing to go back and try it again.

My chick was pretty damn funny, which I am assuming you would have to be to be grooming strange twat. The "lips" were the absolute worst for me! I most certainly came off the table.

In three days you are going to start REALLY enjoying it! Totally worth it for the month!

[Nikki]

Just so you know, the lipstick line made my rootbeer float come out my nose!

[Rachel]

Bwahahahaha! Those chicks on twitter who are saying it's not that bad must be either full of shit or have vulvas of steel. I am interested to know if it gets better...

I'm still gonna do it too, once my shaving job grows out a bit.

[Kirsten]

omg, I'm a week ahead of you, and [ahem] reaping the benefits. I am so happy you are the girl to blog about this, because, well - my blog is just not the place I could.

but yes, holy mother of god, that was THE MOST painful thing I've ever ever ever done. Right up there with delivering a 9.5 lb baby. Not quite, but almost.

this - FREAKING HYSTERICAL.

[Gina B.]

I've taken it to another level -- I got a LASER Brazilian. Painful, and six sessions, but at least there's numbing cream and it's permanent, which means no waxes for me in the future! ;-)

[Michelle]

OMG where the fuck have you been all my life and WHY for the love of God have I not found you before this?????

[Emily]

This is friggin hilarious. "(I put the lipstick on my MOUTH. Sorry if that was confusing.)" BAHAHAHA. I snorted cherry limeade thru my nose on that one!

I love the feeling of no hair, but no friggin' way am I subjecting myself to that. Nope, not going to happen. No way, no how. I will stay my Chewbacca self!

[Amy]

LMAO. My husband looks all excited if I mention Brazilian, but I'm the kind of bitch that would make him go with me when I got it done. And of course, I'd be making deals with him on the car ride over..."Okay, so for making my snatch as smooth as a baby's butt, you have to make dinner three days a week until it grows out and I have to go back, at which time we WILL renegotiate." But since he wouldn't go with me when I got my nipples pierced, I don't think he'll push the Brazilian either.

[agentausten09]

ouch! you are much braver than i am! it's something i've thought about--but never had the courage! eek! but more power to you!

[D]

Ouch. Wow. And Holy Shit I don't think I could ever have that done based on your review! I mean I like things neat and clean, but geez that sounded ridiculously painful and I'm a huge baby.

Oh and the lipstick comment. Hilarious!

[Angie @ On the rocks and straight up]

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. I love having had a Brazilian, but I hate getting them. NOT fun!

If I were you I might consider going somewhere else next time, perhaps a place where there is no language barrier? Also, $30 for a Brazilian seems sketchy to me. I don't know where you live, but I've never gotten one for less than double that (which, in addition to the pain, is why I don't do that all that often).

Love your husband's reaction to the red and swollen. They should know what we go through for beauty, right?

[buzzvibe]

Dang. Yeah, I think I'll give this a miss. As much as I like having a smooth cooch, I'm a chicken and a total wimp when it comes to pain. Did you remember to collect your Brazilian Badge of Bravery on the way out? ;)

[Suzanne]

When you said it was an hour west of Boston and only $30 I thought "hmmm...I could make that drive as a nice anniversary present for my husband".

Aaaaaand then I read the rest of the post. I've only had 2 regular bikini waxes in my life and as much as I loved the results I love my lady bits far far more. NOT A CHANCE.

[Bee]

Well done, Kit, am proud of you :)

Next time, stop off somewhere on the way for Ibuprofen.

[Betty]

Occasionally I wonder about the whole waxing thing and then I remember that totally smooth is NOT a good look for the chubby among us. I shaved a couple of times and I always felt like I'd gained an extra tummy roll!

[Jennifer @ three pugs & a baby]

Wow.

Now I kind of want to do it just to see if it's really all that bad.

I'm all wacky that way.

[Poppy]

I've done this a couple of times and when I got home my husband always asked me the same stupid question. "Was she hot?" Um ya. As I am having hair ripped from my labia I am thinking of what a sexy experience this is and maybe I can describe it in detail later. I guarantee he wouldn't last one pull on the ol' ball sack no matter how hot the esthetician was and I guarantee there would be no movement. Good thing 70's bush is coming back in style.

[AlexanderDope]

If you're the "Girl from Ipanema" then I'm sorry that you're walking funny and that it's temporarily not true that "when she walks, she's like a samba that swings so cool and sways so gently". Hope the pain goes away and that you're back on your uh...feet soon.

[Ellie Di]

That's pretty much exactly what I expected. Thanks for confirming my fears and keeping me away from the beauty torturers. :3

[MommyNaniBooboo]

I went bare for my husband's birthday years ago. Not even a triangle left.
It was painful, then fun for a week, then itchy.
I have yet to do it again. But I feel super cool for having done it once :)
Hmmm... Father's Day is coming up...

[thenextmartha]

My Lady Biz + Wax = Frozen Hell Snowcones

[Donda]

That was a hilarious description of something I have just decided I will NEVER do. Thanks for making that an easy decision for me! :)

[Roxane]

All I could think about after the lipstick line was "It puts the lotion on it's skin." Very applicable and at the same time not.

You seriously crack my shit up. I lost all composure when you hit the ceiling. Tom and Jerry visual right there. Thanks!

[I'llnevertell]

And this confirms why I will never get my chucky waxed.

[Stephanie]

Too funny! It does hurt and the swelling is unreal..at least for me. Not to mention I had an allergic reaction to the wax. That was fun! But I must say, I did pay about double what you did, had my own private room, paper panties with some elastic waistband, and the girl left the room for me to undress and spoke english. She talked to me to try to distract me and make it as pain free as possible. But still I was thinking, I can not talk to you about traveling because you are all up in my business and im trying not to cry like a little bitch. The thing that made it 100% better? My sister went with me. Got hers done too. Then we had pf changs afterwards and called it a day.

[subWOW]

Wow. I have been considering one... but now I am not so sure... Perhaps I'll wait for the sex review to decide!

[Alison]

I've always wanted to get one. But am not brave enough haha. I did win a Brazillian wax and body kit from a blog.. maybe I should try to do my own. Scary!

[Miss Ash]

I'm pretty sure I'm too late to warn you, but you're effing crazy.

Wax? And ripping hair? From down there?

(eeeeeeeeeeeek?)

Ahem. At least I can live vicariously through you.

*passes out*

[MommyLisa]

Never gonna happen to my lady parts.

[laurenne]

Aaaaah... Nothing like the feeling of some freshly depilated labia. I LOVE brazilians.
You have to find the perfect lady though. Once this chick talked on the phone the entire time. She was out immediately.

[Erin]

OMG, I must have had my first Brazilian several days after you posted...New reader as of today. Your experience captures exactly what a first timer goes through, I would only subtract the torture part. My lady spoke perfect English, continued to ask me questions etc...until I told her I couldn't concentrate, and then she shut up.

The part I find so funny is that I am already planning on coming back when its time. I too love the results.

[Alba]

I loved your post, it's so amusing... I am a Brazilian, and I have this procedure every month, and time after time it becomes easier and less painful. Here in Brazil there are professionals who are very delicate and the waxing is relatively quick and painless. But they are rare people to find and a bit more expensive. I found one of these (eight years ago) and since then I only undergo this little 'torture';-) in her waxing salon. Congratulations for your great blog!

[verdemama]

This is truly one of the scariest things I've ever read. Consider Brazilian Wax OFFICIALLY scratched off my to-do list.

[Tink @ tinkhanson.com]

Oh, thank you, I needed this laugh tonight! "I put the lipstick on my mouth... not sure if that was clear." I am CRYING.

[Cucumberjuice.wordpress.com]

I am speechless. Love this post...it's hilarious but still so frightening! I had my first bikini wax - not a Brazilian - last year but I spoke to the wax lady beforehand + googled and peppered girlfriends with questions. I was so scared about something going wrong. I'm relieved to say that my experience and the subsequent ones were good ones; yes there was a stinging pain and some burning after but NOTHING like you describe. Wow. Have you been since then?

[Susan-LiseVintageLighting]

It is after midnight and my house is quiet--treasured, uninterrupted work time. Instead, I laughed so loudly and unexpedly that my 16 year old came down to find out what was going on... She rounded the corner about the time that I actually snorted! Told her I was slacking off and reading Erma Bombeck... Hilarious! I needed that!!

[little cactus]

I've done 'sugaring', which is almost the same as waxing, but you cook some sugar into a hard caramel and use it to achieve the same results. The hair is pulled out with the grain as opposed to against it, which is a little less painful, but I don't know how much since I've never waxed. What's really hard is to do.it.yourself. Holy shit. It's really hard to finish. You do know some of the hair follicles actually bleed, right?

Yes, I gave myself a Brazilian, several times. Haven't done it in awhile, the last time was really painful and I wimped out. For now. A smooth cooch is loverly. Hubs thinks so, too.

[Skinny Dip]

Man, that just described my last waxing experience almost right to a tee.

Its been a few days and I still feel like someone knee'ed me in the lady parts.