Ten Things That Have Made Me Laugh Lately

10. Last week I wore a tan jacket to work.  Not a suit jacket, just a spring coat because even though it was hot, it's always freezing in the office.  One of the guys I worked with looks at me and says, "That's an Ahmadinejad jacket." referring to the President of Iran.  I froze.  I turned and looked at him.  "Did you just say I looked like an Iranian Terrorist?" I asked him.  He backpedaled.  "No.  I just meant, he's very stylish."  I looked at him.  "He's a fucking murderer" I said.  He apologized for the rest of the day. ;)

9. My younger son got a buzz cut this week.  I was devastated because he has the MOST GORGEOUS auburn hair in the world.  While he was sitting in the chair in my kitchen with my husband shaving off huge chunks of hair I asked my older son, "Are you next?"  "No way," he said. "I'm going to grow my hair out so I can wear it in a ponytail like a Revolutionary War kid.  Awesome.

8. After dinner one night last week we all sat down to icecream for dessert.  After a minute my 5 year old looks at me and says, "Wow! Mom I'm impressed by how fast you can eat icecream!"

7. My husband is a stay at home dad and is responsible for a good portion of the household cleaning including vacuuming.  He does a decent job downstairs but rarely cleans the upstairs.  A month ago I had a Spring Cleaning FIT and cleaned every bedroom - including vacuuming them all.  Normally this would suffice until the fall but last week I mentioned to my husband that I had a VERY IMPORTANT conference call from 10am-noon.  It was actually an On-line presentation to a company in Ireland with A LOT of money to spend.  At 10:30, just as I was getting into the presentation I hear the vacuum cleaner start up in the hallway.  I immediately picked up the handset so that I could cover the receiver.  He vacuumed for FORTY FIVE minutes while I tried to cover the phone. I couldn't put the phone down to go tell him to CUT THE SHIT because I was answering questions.  It was TORTURE.  When I got off the phone I asked him, "What POSSESSED you to vacuum TODAY?" "I don't know." he answered.  "Did it have ANYTHING to do with my MULTIMILLION DOLLAR PRESENTATION???" I asked him.  He cringed.  "sorry."

6. The other day I was driving home from work with my friend who almost killed me.  She was telling me a story about her neighbor was having a hard time and she was trying to be a good friend to her.  All of a sudden someone cut us off and she interrupted her story about how compassionate she was to yell at the other driver, "FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING SIMP!" 

5. The kids were in the back yard with binoculars, magnifying glasses and a bug cage.  My 3yo walked into the kitchen, walked up to my husband, held the magnifying glass up to his crotch and said, "I'm looking for your wenis!"

4. We were at my son's baseball game.  It had just started and we were sitting on the sunny side of the field looking into the sun.  The alternative was to sit in the shade and get eaten alive by mosquitoes.  Another mother and I voted for the sun.  My husband whined and complained until I leaned over and whispered in his ear, "You know why you're so good in bed?" He smiled and asked. "Why?"

"Because you're a pussy."

3. At the same baseball game, a 3yo boy was running around with a toy chainsaw.  My 3yo could NOT wait to get her hands on it.  Finally, when the boy had put it down she walked up to his mother and said, "Excuse me, can I share the chainsaw?" The mother was SO impressed with how polite she was that she said, "of course."  My 3yo picked it up and IMMEDIATELY turned to me and said, "Mommy, I'm going to cut your head off."  My husband interrupted. "Honey, no."  She turned to him, held up her hand as if to calm him and said, "No daddy.  Not weally." And then chased me with the chainsaw for 10 minutes.

2. The 3yo is very beautiful with Marie Antoinette curls, a killer smile and a large degree of devilishness.  She breaks all the rules and when she's caught she merely shrugs and pats you on the arm as if to say, 'it can't be helped.'  She is fondest of breaking the no 'eating in the living room' rule.  Also, the 'no eating candy unless we give it to you' rule.  As a result we often find piles of hershey kiss wrappers beside the couch in the living room.  The other night I told her to get into bed and not to be sneaky about getting out of bed. My husband interjected, "She's not sneaky."  She OBJECTED. "I'm SNEAKY about CANDY!"

1. Monday was the last day of school here.  My neighbor's daughters, ages 9, 7 and 5, jumped into their pool completely clothed and invited us over as well.  About 5 minutes after jumping in, the 9 year old looked down at her shirt and said, "MOM!  I just figured out what a wet t-shirt contest is!"  Ah to be young again. 

Comments

[Shaina]

okay, those were all funny, but the very last one made me totally LOL. Also, being sneaky about candy? WIN. love her. :-)

[Paxochka]

I love you.

If I don't say it often enough... just let it be known that I do.

Am laughing so so so much right now.

And wishing I could pull out a magnifying glass and or call men pussies :)

[Dramaindc]

HAHAHAHA You have awesome kids! I especially love your 3yo!

[John]

Whenever I have to take an important call from home, I almost always head out to my truck and take the call via mobile, just to avoid random noises.

Every time I end up needing to take a call with a computer in front of me, my cat decides it's time to yowl up a storm. I feel your pain.

[Midgey]

All of those made me laugh, I gotta say 4,3 and 1 were my favorites though. You have an AWESOME family.

[Becky @TheRealBecks]

OMG 9 and 10 were my favs. but really they're all funny. i don't get how people don't wanna have kids after gems like this!

[Heather]

okay, #4 made me laugh so hard i shot diet dr pepper out my nose. Totally worth it! I love your stories :) I look forward to reading your blog every afternoon. Thanks again for making my day!

[drlori71]

These all made me laugh too. Thanks for sharing!

[thenextmartha]

I guess as long as YOU'RE not having to use the magnifying glass to find the "wenis" it's all good.

[jessica]

OMG- I would have shot him or better yet, cut his head of with that chainsaw

Hope you got the deal!

[Twistygirl]

Bwahahaha, that's so funny. It definitely cheered me up

[MommyLisa]

Can your three year old come for a playdate? She sounds like FUN! & she WOULD have Boo Boo to play with...

[LABeachmom]

ahahahaha you rock....your 3 yo and my 7 yo would be best sneaky candy bffs :) totally.