Kentucky Gerbils and Why I Love Marines

When I was in college and VERY, VERY young and impressionable I was invited to attend the Republican National Convention in Houston, TX.  All I had to do was pay $100 for my hotel for THE WEEK and get myself to Houston and I would be bussed to and from the convention every day.  The Buchanan Campaign was subsidizing my hotel room so there was some fine print about holding his signs at the convention but there was no way he was going to receive the nomination so it wasn't like I was ACTUALLY perpetuating EVIL.

At the time, the kids in my family shared 2 cars between the 3 of us.  My mother had offered me the SHITTY Oldsmobile (that was its official name) for the summer.  My brother had the minivan.  To get to Texas I would have to take the minivan - the other one would NEVER make it.  Also, I wanted to find people to drive with me to share gas money.  I called my mother, "I need to move some stuff." I told her. "Can I have the minivan?"

"You're not taking it to Texas." she said.

"Oh, OF COURSE NOT." I said.

"Okay, come and get it" she said.  I made plans to pick it up on Friday.  I had found 3 other people to carpool with.  We were leaving Saturday morning.  My mother called me back an hour later. "You can't have it." she said.

"Why not?" I asked.

"Because." she said.  "You're going to Texas for the week and I don't want you to leave it in Boston unattended." (Later she would tell me that she KNEW I had planned to take it.  She knew that I would NEVER be DUMB enough to take the shitty Oldsmobile 2000 miles)

So, on Saturday morning we set out for Texas in the shitty Oldsmobile. (I SURE showed her who was dumb enough!)  It was me and 3 guys.  One was a marine, one was a senior in high school that I worked with at a volunteer group and one was a student from NH. The 4th person we were expecting didn't show up.

We hit the road.  Before we'd even made it to the Massachusetts border the check engine light was on.  We pulled over for a few minutes and it went off.  We kept going.  We continued on like this, stopping every few hours to pop the hood and let the engine cool down.  I drove for the first several hours and then let someone else take the wheel.  I snuggled with the NH boy in the backseat.  We kissed.  We BLARED my 8 Billy Joel albums in the Tapedeck.  It was August.  This was a ROADTRIP.

It took us 22 hours - straight - to get to Houston.  It may have taken less time except for the CHECK ENGINE light.  We got there exhausted & found our rooms - I had a single (apparently there weren't a lot of pro-Buchanan women- go figure.)  We napped for a bit.  When we woke up we decided to head over to the convention.  NH boy wasn't feeling well.  He ended up coming down with a fever and some crazy sickness that I'm happy to say I didn't get.  I dropped him like a hot potato.  He was PISSED that I didn't stay at the hotel and nurse him back to health. 

Sorry buddy, I didn't drive 2000 miles in a car that could have used several rolls of duct tape to hang out in a Motel 6 with a sick guy I smooched once in the back of a shitty Oldsmobile to 100 Billy Joel songs.

The convention was kind of lame - It was at the Astrodome and there was a big convention space full of crap that you could buy.  The convention hall wasn't open yet. 

We went to the liquor store and bought tons of beer, then we went back to the hotel.  We met some of the other Buchanan supporters at the hotel.  Then we realized that the other half of the hotel was filled with Gay-rights protesters who were there to protest the event.  PERFECT.

There was some tension the first couple of nights with everyone avoiding each other and throwing jabs but by the 3rd night we'd discovered our common love of ALCOHOL.

By this point I'd met a couple of other Buchanan guys from Kentucky who were kind of fun to hang around with.  One was very handsome but kind of an ass, the other was very cute and much nicer.  The second one and I hit it off.  We spent a lot of time together.  He was a total geek but nice.  He'd never met a Yankee girl before and I think I scared the hell out of him.  I have to admit that that was totally fun.

By the last night, New Hampshire boy was all cured and still pissed at and avoiding me but I didn't care because of Kentucky boy.  We went to the convention and saw the big show.  It was fun but the real fun came much later.  We all went back to the hotel and partied - even the Gay Rights Protesters joined our party.

Kentucky boy and I went back to my room.  We kissed.  We groped a little and then he pulled away.

"I have to tell you something" he told me.

"What?" I asked.

"I'm hung like a gerbil." he said.  HE REALLY SAID THAT - TO A HALF NAKED DRUNK GIRL.

I rolled away.  "Goodnight." I said.

"What?" he asked.

"Goodnight." I said again.

"Why?" he asked again.

"Because you're an idiot." I said.  "You're lying in my bed, I'm drunk, I'm half naked, we're kissing and you stop to tell me that you're hung like a gerbil? Why don't you wait for me to figure that out for myself?"

"I didn't want you to be surprised" he said.

"Well," I said, "Now I'm not going to be.  Because now I know that the fact that I'm tired is more important than the fact that I'm horny."  I walked over to the door and opened it.  "Good night."

He left.

The next day his friend said, "I heard you kicked him out."

"Did he tell you why?" I asked

"Yeah," he laughed.  "He really is." he said.

"I'll take your word for it." I told him.

My carpool hit the road that afternoon.  We were exhausted.  The check engine light came on and stayed on.  No matter how long we stopped for it wouldn't turn off.  We decided to drive slowly.  We drove all night.  We stopped counting at 22 Waffle Houses. In Tennessee, the friend that I had worked with asked to be let off at a Greyhound bus station.  It was 4am.  He was leaving for his freshman year of college Tuesday morning and couldn't miss it.  We continued on without him.

By Virginia we had been driving for 20 hours.  We got a flat tire.  It was Saturday evening.  We couldn't get it fixed.  I called my college boyfriend and asked him to let us stay with him for the night.  He took us in.  The boys slept on his floor, I slept in his bed.  We showered.  He fed us.  It was good.

The following day (Sunday) we searched for a service station and couldn't find one.  We decided to head north; the marine, NH boy and me.  We stopped for coffee. NH boy made a call.  After talking to his parents he had us drop him off at his aunt and uncle's house nearby.  He was going to take a bus home too.

The marine and I continued on the donut tire.  We were running out of money, had no credit card, no way to call anyone.  Eventually we needed gas.  We got off the highway in NY.  We quickly realized that we'd gotten off the highway in the wrong place.  There were scary guys approaching our car.  "Drive" he said. 

"They're in front of me." I answered.

Suddenly his foot was on top of mine and we were accelerating.  The guy in front of us got out of the way fast.  "Turn!" he yelled,  I turned the wheel and we were back on the highway.

We didn't get off again until we saw signs for suburbia.  We filled the tank - "400 miles to go." I said.

"Let's hope we make it." he said.

We did.  Luckily my mother's house was an hour south of Boston on 95 and just off the highway.  We pulled the shitty Oldsmobile into her driveway at 7am.  Mr. Marine told me that he had a 2pm flight out of Logan airport.  He was going home to see his parents for the first time in 6 months.  He hadn't told me that in the car when we were dropping everyone else off one-by-one on the side of the road. 

We napped at my mother's house.  I woke him at 11am, drove him to the Navy base to get his uniform (so that his mom could see him all dressed up at church) then I drove him to Logan airport.  I thanked him for sticking with me.  "No problem." he said smiling and then walked into the airport.

The shitty Oldsmobile never started again.  It sat in my mother's driveway for 5 years on the donut until someone came and offered to tow it away for charity.

Years later when I finally admitted to my mother that I'd taken it to Texas and back she told me that it was the stupidest thing I'd ever done.  I didn't have the heart to disagree with her.  Especially since she hadn't caught me on the other stuff yet.

Comments

[Bee]

At least he told you about the gerbil thing. I had a guy who assumed I was going to go a little further than drunken kissing and whipped out his own gerbil-sized party trick. I laughed. Hysterically. Just because I was a) annoyed he thought he was getting some when he clearly wasn't and b) a total bitch. It was a little cruel. But I doubt he was ever so presumptuous again.

p.s. you almost lost me at "Republican". Luckily I love you enough to ignore politics.

[D H-Arza]

I soooo enjoy reading your blog...There is alot of thing my parents still don't know that I have done...LOL

[jatx]

OMG LOVE this one. And Marines are bad ass. My brother is one :) Great story. Seriously, who the fuck says they are hung like a gerbil?

[Nikki]

And I was hoping to do a big KY shout-out, but maybe I'll just skip over this post!
Disclaimer: Not all KY boys are hung like gerbils, just saying.

[MommyLisa]

boys are so stupid. they talk when they shoudn't and mumble when they should speak clearly!

[Miss Tricky]

The gerbil has got to be the least sexy of all the small-hung creatures... why go with gerbil?

[AlexanderDope]

Sounds like gerbil guy bounced a slam dunk off the rim and into the rafters. I guess he never made it near the basket, so more like he tripped on the free throw line (yes, testicles produce both testosterone AND sports analogies.)

When this story makes it into your first book, consider ending it with, "The marine and I are now married with four kids". I really thought that's where this was headed. But, then again, love a happy ending. As, I'm sure, everyone who reads your blog does.

[Paul]

ew. republicans.

[Suz]

Years ago, I had the maddening opportunity to say out loud "what? You mean you were IN me???" when my boyfriend of a very brief time commented about how good "that" felt. I wondered for a moment if the KY gerbil and IL gerbil were related and then I remembered the Republican connection. Nope! Not a chance! Also, he wasn't my boyfriend after that night.

[Rachel]

Mmm. You make me miss my Marine. There was an awful lot good about that relationship. I choose (at this moment) not to remember the bad and just remember the yummy. Like the way his haircut felt on my palm and the time he wore his dress blues on a plane so that's how I'd see him at the airport.

What? He did *not* do that for the free drinks from other travelers at the departing airport. Shut up.

I'm wondering if anyone else measured their ex-boyfriends with their hands? I wouldn't have dared go near a guy with a ruler when I was younger. My Marine was quite I bit bigger than my reach from pinkie to thumb; I couldn't quite reach an octave on a piano and I couldn't quite reach his length. Don't get me started on girth. Le sigh.

[Janelle]

I cannot believe a horny boy actually spoke the words "hung like a gerbil." Hopefully uttering such phrases has prevented him from reproducing. I once meet a guy who friends referred to as "Mr. baby carrot." Didn't go near his vegetable...

[buzzvibe]

Great story! Marines are uber sexy. Gerbils, no.

[Steph]

OMG that is so funny!! I think we all make one of those kind of trips behind our parent's backs. I know I did. There was a bit less groping on mine cuz my brother and college roommate were the only two with me, but still. Glad you lived through it!!