ER

Wednesday when I got home from work I started to get intense cramps in my lower back.  Also an achiness in my shoulders.  I decided that maybe I was getting my period even though it wasn't really the right time for that type of present.

I went to bed early and slept, as always, like a log.  I woke up in the morning relieved of back pain but instead, with terrible, terrible stomach cramps.  I started to think "flu" but didn't have any other convincing symptoms.  I called my doctor concerned that it could be appendicitis but the pain wasn't localized, it was throughout my entire lower abdomen.  She called me back to say that she couldn't diagnose appendicitis in the office so I should drink fluids, get rest and if I felt worse go to the ER.

Around 8:30 I went to the ER.  It was PACKED when I got there.  The person beside me said she'd been waiting for 3.5 HOURS.  OMG. I have never BEEN to an emergency room!  I've heard nightmares but that was my first time.  It was crazy.  There was a group of 8-10 people huddled together in a corner alternately crying and laughing inappropriately.  They were there awaiting word on a friend who had been in a car accident.  It was sad.

There was a guy beside me who was BULLSHIT that his boss made him miss 2 hours of work to go to the ER JUST BECAUSE he'd lost vision in his right EYE.

There was a woman on my other side who had been there for 3 hours with chest pains.  By the time they called her, she felt fine.  She was pissed, but she FELT fine.

The man sitting across from me had recently had his hip replaced and the two pins holding it together had apparently popped - judging from his limping and obvious agony.  I SAY obvious agony but when the ER had emptied and it was only he and I left, I was PRAYING to be called first.  There, I said it.  I'm generous in theory but not when 4 HOURS have passed.

And then, when they called him first I had a hissy fit.  I went to the desk and said, "HOW MUCH LONGER?  Can I just go home?"

They sent the nurse over to talk me down.  "It's almost your turn," she told me.

I like to think that in those extreme survival situations - that I would be a survivor but the truth is that in that moment, if someone had offered me a flat surface and a package of saltines I would have drifted off to sleep not caring if I ever woke up.  I hope I'm never in an extreme-cold situation.  I hope that for a lot of reasons.  Actually today was 100 degrees and I hope I'm never in an extreme-hot situation.

What we're learning here is that I'm a baby.

Anyway, I stuck it out in the Emergency Room and just when I thought I'd convinced the nurse to bring me a pack of crackers she came to tell me that it was shift change and that I was next.  NO SHIT I was next, the waiting room was EMPTY.

And then, just when I thought it was safe, in walked Kim.  Let me tell you about Kim.  The first thing I noticed about her was that she looked like shit. That was par for the course in the ER.  She also looked pretty pissed off.

She threw herself in a chair across from me.  "At least it's empty." she said to me.  I nodded, unwilling to tell her how long I'd been there and depress her.  At this point it was 1AM.

"Have you been here long?" she asked.  "Yes." I answered.  She couldn't hear me or didn't notice the nodding so she moved over to sit beside me.  "These people fuckin' suck." she told me.  "I was here the other day and they made me sit here for 6 hours.  They have no fucking idea what they're doing.  I'm pissing blood." she offered. "This is the third time I've been here this week," she told me. "They keep saying it's a kidney infection and sending me home with antibiotics.  It's NOT a kidney infection.  They just want to throw drugs at you and get you out of here.  The last time I was here they filled me up with morphine.  I couldn't think straight.  My friend brought me and he said I didn't even know his name!"

"Why are you here?" she asked, tossing HIPPA out the window.  I told her.

"You need to tell those fucking people to just give you a bed. Do you want me to tell them?" she asked.

"Uh, no," I stammered.  "They said just another minute."

"These people killed my brother.  He died in this hospital." she told me.  "They didn't do CPR on him.  Even if he was brain dead, that should have been our decision, the family's decision to let him live like that."

At this point I'm nodding and thinking to myself that I would rather not know how terrible the staff was that I was about to trust with my health.  It reminded me of the time when I was 23 and flying across the Atlantic beside a woman in her 30s with young children at home.  We hit turbulence and she FREAKED.  In my nerdy engineer way I tried to calm her down.  "We probably won't crash," I said. "And even if we do, we'd be dead before it had a chance to hurt."

She screamed, "I DON'T WANT TO DIE."

That's pretty much what was going through my head as I was talking to Kim.

Thank Goodness the nurse called me right then and I was shown to a room with a warm cozy bed.

I saw the doctor a few minutes later who ordered a CT scan. I drank enough Barium suspension SHIT to give me a stomach ache on top of the one I already had and then I was wheeled down to the CT room by the nicest guy named Will.

It turned out that my insides looked like they should have and they sent me home with medicine for a Urinary Tract Infection which turned my pee the color of Orange Fanta. This gave the kids QUITE a kick until they found out that I wouldn't share my cranberry juice with them.

Now they keep asking me, very sincerely, with their eyes on the disappearing bottle of EXPENSIVE, STAINING RED JUICE that they are NEVER ALLOWED TO HAVE, "Are you feeling MUCH BETTER, mama?"

"Yes" I tell them.  "But no, you can't have the juice."  They are devastated.  I have promised to buy them some next week when I go shopping - if they are very good.

As for poor Kim, sadly she skipped out of the emergency room when the nurse wasn't looking, right after they'd given her narcotics, 'for the pain.'  I hope she's better.

Comments

[TechyDad]

Sorry to hear about your bad ER experience (but happy to hear you're feeling better). We've had more than our share of trips to the ER thanks to the boys having a total of four febrile seizures (two of which caused our kids to stop breathing, one of which JSL needed rescue breaths to restart breathing), three falls hitting their heads, one shoveling accident and one mysterious breakout of spots that left NHL in so much pain he was unable to walk. For better or worse, we've come to know which ERs by us are the good ones and which aren't so good. Unfortunately, your experience seems par for the course for a big ER. They can get very busy, understaffed and will have to triage patients, trying to make educated guesses as to the most serious cases (taken first) and the less serious (waiting longer). Here's hoping neither you nor I will need to take any more ER trips ever again!

[jatx]

Wow that Kim woman is sad. That's classic ER. It's really sad that a lot of people use the ER as their doctor's office. The waits at ERs are just outrageous. I remember going a couple times with my mom (when she had cancer) and it was some shit. It is so infuriating.

So glad you are up and running. And my proposal for the kids: WHITE cranberry juice ;-)

[D H-Arza]

I am glad you are feeling better...You tend to see all sort of people in the ER..The last time, we went and my daughter had the croup..This couple were fighting with the doctors because their son apparently ingested a small amount of windex and they were waiting for a while...This ER was not packed either...

[Dori Powers]

Deah Deah “Kit”.

Your blog. Is. How. I. {Not only speak in my head}. But how I speak out loud. What is the deal with people acting like they are so shy about sex/sensuality/and vibrators?! You are so cute and endearing and feisty! You’re my friend in my head, as Wendy Williams would say. ;) I don’t have kids, but as a contentious objector to having my own, I still love your blurbs into your cutest ever family.

Now, to the point, I am an esthetician. I feel your pain. And I inflict the pain of waxing to the ever-loving vulvas. There is a product called Res-Q, made by the company, Satin Smooth, which is an Analgesic Topical Pain Relief spray. Its made with 4% Lidocaine, which is a type of numbing agent. Even though it smells like band-aids, you spray it on 5-7 mins before the wax torture, and it does help. You can have your own, or go to a place that uses it before your service. If I’m not mistaken, they sell Satin Smooth at like Sally’s Beauty supply. I get it from the prof. Distributor, so I’m not positive.

Also, the brand of hair removal called Nufree is MUCH less painful. It is a soy based anti-microbial product, which translates to you to mean: cleaner and safer. You are the vulva-blog voice to the masses, and need to try these on your blog journey, and report to the other bloggettes.

Have you also heard of the “vagazzle”? Rhinestone appliqué’ done after a FULL wax? Yes, now it even sparkles. Sheesh. What we woman go through! Have a great week, and thank you for the entertainment. I have just discovered you and am playing catch up with all your posts!

Your faithful {new} reader! Dori

[Tracy]

I think it is appalling that you had to travel to the ER, wait in agony, and then get a CT scan. Really? The doctor you called with your symptoms should have invited you to the office to test your urine and blood. That would have saved you countless hours in the ER and saved you lots of dollars for the scan. I just can't get over it! A CT scan to diagnose a UTI! All my daughter had to do was pee in a hat! Glad you are feeling better.

[Becky @TheRealBecks]

I've been to the ER a few times and every time it's shenanigans in there. Longest waits ever and crazy people or people with crazy stories.

[Aunt Becky]

I love my ER which is nothing like that. I've BEEN to those ER's and they make me want to stab myself and bleed out all over the intake RN.

[Mmdrama]

My husband recently went to the ER because he sliced the end of his thumb open. Pretty badly. He drove 20 minutes to the hospital with his shirt around his hand only to have them give him a number and a plastic medical "bucket" for his blood to drip in. They told him it would be a 3 hour wait... he was number 141 and they were on number 28 or so. He left and went to a different hospital out of our insurance network, was taken back immediately, but it took 5 hours and 2 shift changes to stitch him up. Apparently it's pointless to go to the ER unless your face is falling off.

[Jennifer @ three pugs & a baby]

Because of you, my husband thinks I'm crazy.

I'll be reading, and I'll have it under control. I'll bite my lower lip and I'll take a deep breath or two. And then? Then I lose it and I burst out with this weird snorty laugh and he looks up and wants to know what's going on and I start to try to explain, but it never comes out right.

Yada yada. If I go missing, it's because he cut off my internet and hid my iPhone.

I hope you're feeling much better.

[Ruth]

The only reasonable wait I've had at an ER was when I was passing out & vomiting (at the same time) every few minutes. Thank god for my husband who dragged me there after 6 hours, about 2 after the passing out started, and kept me from choking.

I think I still waited 10 agonizing minutes on the floor because I couldn't get up in case I fell over again. Time lost its meaning.

Turned out I was allergic to a 12-hour morphine pill I'd taken to kill the pain from a medicine I was taking. It was supposed to be super-convenient...set, sleep, take 2x day. But I learned that when you're allergic to something that's in your system for 12 hours, it doesn't stop.

Otherwise I've generally waited minimum of an hour for empty ERs and several hours for a friend w/chest pains...

[drlori71]

I had to laugh at the orange Fanta comment because everytime I prescribe that medication I have to tell the patient, "This drug will turn your urine orange so DON'T FREAK OUT!"
I hope you're feeling better and you never have to go back to that ER.

[MiriamS]

Dear Kit, your blog is up for the One Blog Award! The instructions to accept are all here: http://mindpopsicles.blogspot.com/2010/06/award-time.html
Congratulations! Your candid blog is brill.

[Paxochka]

The last time I went to the emergency room I had an infection. That had caused my face to swell so badly I could barely see. I'm slightly vain, and so I had a teatowel covering my face while sitting there. Being a freakshow is bad enough, but I don't want to be stared at.

After three hours of waiting patiently despite crying in agony, I finally went back to the triage nurse. Where I was reassessed. And had to wait another two hours. I was in hospital for four days on strong antibiotics. Am not really sure how waiting for five hours in ER helped.

Hospitals are shit.

[Suniverse]

Ugh. ERs. They are never fun, but you made yours funny. Now. I know it wasn't funny then. Particularly with the waiting.

[Alissa]

I am sorry you had such a bad experience!

Do you think your UTI had anything to do with the Brazilian? Because getting one of those from waxing may be enough to convince me to NEVER get one, as much as I want to.

[alonewithcats]

I feel as if the show "ER" forever set us up for disappointment. Because if George Clooney had been on the other end of your five-hour wait? This post would have a very different (happy) ending.