I should say that it's POSSIBLE that some of the following products don't exist yet but if they don't they TOTALLY SHOULD because they would be EFFING AWESOME!
1. A bidet - Did you know that you can get a bidet attachment for your toilet? It plugs into the wall and hooks up to the water and when you press a little button it squirts WARM water at your ass. The cheaper models squirt cold water which doesn't seem like fun AT ALL. I'm thinking of getting this for my husband because he uses more toilet paper than I do. ARE YOU DOING THE MATH ON THAT? Because SERIOUSLY? I SQUAT to pee and he doesn't which means that I need to use toilet paper 6 times a day and he only needs to use it once or twice and he still manages to KILL a roll. It's like a FUCKING badge of HONOR. The bidet attachment is expensive but I bet I'd make it back in Toilet paper costs within a year - especially because he insists on the extra soft/strong paper for extra sensitive ASSHOLES - which he totally is, I mean has. Also, I may get him a gift certificate for a Brazilian Waxing because without any hair down there it may be easier to, you know, tidy up.
2. Along the same lines I would like to get an AUTOMATIC TOILET PAPER ROLL CHANGER. I know you're probably thinking, "seriously? How hard is it to change the roll?" But I guess you'd be surprised because in my bathrooms there are usually 3 empty toilet paper rolls on the window sill, an empty one hanging on the wall and a half used roll sitting on the edge of the sink. I think he's lining them up like he used to line up empty beer cans.
3. An automatic Ball Scratcher - for those times when his hands are full.
4. A sheep. Get your mind out of the gutter!! Not for that! For keeping the lawn trim so that he doesn't have to mow it so often. You people are SICK.
5. Along the same lines, a virtual reality remote controlled lawnmower so that he could sit on the couch and mow the lawn at the same time. I think this is brilliance. In fact, I think I'm going to bring it to Nintendo so forget I mentioned it. In my house, the only thing standing between the kids/husband and Wii is me so if they could add some chore friendly apps? SCORE. How about virtual grocery shopping? Virtual Clothes shopping would be good except I could see myself throwing stuff at the tv.
6. A whoopie cushion/farting iphone app - because for some INEXPLICABLE reason FART noises never stop being funny to a guy.
7. A device that gives a small electric shock to people who put their dirty dishes into the sink instead of directly into the dirty dishwasher. Oh wait, that one is for me.
8. A universal remote that controls 3,421,876,341 devices.
9. A 70 million inch plasma tv.
10. A hug and a handmade card that says, "I LOVE YOU DADDY."
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!
Today is Father's Day? But it's Thursday.... I'm confused
Posted by: Bee | June 17, 2010 at 08:14 AM
I would buy all of those presents. Except could you also make virtual reality stuff for the XBox? We are the only family in America that does not own the WII.
Posted by: Suniverse | June 17, 2010 at 08:15 AM
I see alot of value in your ideas...esp the device that would give people small electric shock..
Posted by: D H-Arza | June 17, 2010 at 08:28 AM
Regarding #1: Do you have any peri bottles from having kids? That works the same way, and you don't have to spend all the money. :o)
Posted by: Heather | June 17, 2010 at 09:53 AM
Okay, fess up: are you married to my husband?
Posted by: Jenn Collins | June 17, 2010 at 10:02 AM
You are effing awesome. #thatisall
Posted by: monkeyheads_mom | June 17, 2010 at 10:23 AM
There are many fart-related iPhone apps, and a lot of them are free. I know this because my oldest son has most of them on his iPod touch, whereas I just have 2 on my iPhone: Atomic Fart and Whoopie Cushion. :)
Posted by: buzzvibe | June 17, 2010 at 10:26 AM
Great suggestions, all. But the only true need is number ten. Otherwise, how happy could any of the others make me? There is one simple want, though -- not on your list -- that is guaranteed to make any dad smile. I mean, of course, breakfast in bed. To be enjoyed right after that Father's Day blow job. OK, two simple wants.
Posted by: AlexanderDope | June 17, 2010 at 04:42 PM
I always think fart noises are funny too. even when i try to be mature about it, EVERY TIME the almost empty ketchup bottle makes that fart noise, I giggle. Ever damn time.
Posted by: Katie | June 17, 2010 at 08:20 PM
I think pretty much every house needs automatic toilet paper changer. We also have empty rolls everywhere. I hate when I sit down and do my thing and then realize no toilet paper, it's all in the other room, and the middle of the night.
Posted by: Secrets Kept | June 17, 2010 at 08:59 PM
Men always use so much toilet paper. Sometimes I wonder how the toilet hasn't clogged yet.
Posted by: Rebel Mel | June 27, 2010 at 12:26 PM