Love Letters, Vol 2.

This is the second installment of our new weekly advice column.  PLEASE give the writer the benefit of your advice by leaving a comment.

Dear Kit,

So, you said we could write in with questions for advice. Here is my problem:

You see, my husband and I met about 2 1/2 years ago. We started hooking up, then dated, then got engaged within about 6 months. Our sex life was pretty incredible. Screaming, moaning, sex 2 or more times a day, the works. I loved it. Then we went on deployment. We are both in the military and we got sent on overlapping deployments over to the middle east and were apart for over 8 months.

When we got back we tried to get things back to the way they were, but it just didn't happen. I thought I needed time, or to go slow, or whatever, but nothing worked. We were on a once a week basis. We got married in March and it started getting better, more like once a day... Then it happened. We got pregnant. I got so disinterested in sex. And now that we have the baby, ... ugh... I am NEVER in the mood. I love my husband, I like to make him happy and I am still attracted to him sexually and everything, but I don't know what to do to get myself back in the mood! What do I do? How do I get myself to want to have sex? What do you do to help get yourself in the mood?

Please help!

NoSex McGee

 

Dear NoSex McGee-

 

Step 1 is  to get yourself straight down to you Ladyparts Doctor and let her know that your sexual appetite is low.  If you don't have that sort of relationship with your Ladyparts Doctor then step 1 is get a NEW Ladyparts Doctor that you CAN have that sort of relationship with and then ask HER. 

 

(ASIDE: This is good advice for everyone reading this who has Ladyparts I have had 2 Ladyparts doctors - the first is one that I could definitely NOT have had this conversation with - also she refused to perform a tubal ligation for me after my 4th baby was born because it was a Catholic Hospital and JESUS CHRIST how many children do I have to give those people?  Anyway, I switched to a heathen down the street who hugged me when I told her why I was switching - because 4 is ENOUGH so help me GOD - and told me that snipping of some sort or another was the MOST COMMON form of birth control in the country. WHO FUCKING KNEW?  Anyway, the point of this lengthy aside is to tell you that while you may think that a doctor is a doctor, I'm telling you it's not and AFTER I had my 4th baby and my Ladyparts turned into the SAHARA desert because my estrogen levels were low, she gave me an estrogen-laced lubricant that made it seem like someone had just put down a SLIP 'N SLIDE.)

 

In other words, your body has been through A LOT in the past year and there could be a medical explanation for your lack of interest so check that out first.  PLEASE.  That estrogen-lube was good stuff.

 

Moving on; you and your husband had a whirlwind romance; my husband and I did too.  The GREAT thing about a whirlwind romance is how AMAZING it is - the constant sex, the constant adoration, the EDORPHIN rush of being together. The problem is that you can't sustain that through a lifetime.  Sure, you might be head over heels in love forever and the adoration may last, but things get in the way.  Bills need to be paid, you have to go to work, YOU SPEND THE WHOLE FUCKING WEEKEND RESEEDING YOUR LAWN (I think my blisters typed that, sorry)  add an 8 month deployment to that and the stress of starting a family and it's hard to sustain the fairytale aspect - or at least the sex.

 

Here are some tips:

 

1) he's probably tired too.  You're both getting up with a baby.  So don't feel like you need to get back to the 2x/day right away.  It may happen, it might not.  He might be happy if it doesn't - at least until you're all sleeping through the night.

 

2) Don't beat yourself up if it doesn't happen.  Sex is kind of like dieting.  If you get stressed out when things don't go as planned it will impact your ability to stay on track.  So if you plan to seduce him and the baby is up all night teething, let it go and resolve to do it the next night.

 

3) Put it on your to do list.  And don't put it last.  It's easy to make a list of 10 things to do and plan to have sex when i'ts complete but the truth is that we rarely get to the bottom of our lists every day.  Something's gotta give but it can't be the sex every day.

 

4) TALK ABOUT IT.  And I don't mean talk about why you're not having it - that just puts people on the defensive.  I mean talk about the things you used to do and what you liked and talk about what you think you might like to try again soon - even if all you're up for right now is a backrub.  Trust me, I have not had sex in 8 years as much as I have since I started this blog!

 

5) Be open minded.  There were times when I was pregnant or nursing and I just wasn't interested in sex and I would agree to "help" my husband masturbate.  Sometimes participating as a spectator without any pressure got me aroused enough that I pounced on him to both our surprise and enjoyment.

 

6) Talk abot it.  And this time I DO mean talk about why you're not having it - about the fact that you love him and that you find him attractive but that you're just not interested in sex right now but that you're open to trying things that will help you get more interested.

 

7) I highly recommend getting a vibrator.  This is a way for you to orgasm when the moment is right for you without outside pressure.  I know my vibrator got me through some intensely hormonal days after my babies were born.

 

Good luck!

 

Readers, anything you'd add to this?

 

Kit

 

 

 

Comments

[Bee]

A few things I'd say

1) Listen to Kit. She seems to know what she's talking about, and has given you a great, well-thought out response covering all bases.

2) Talk to him. The one thing you need to do more than anything is talk and open up an honest dialogue on this. If you don't... you'll both start resenting each other and reminiscing so much about what you've lost that you forget what you've still got.

3) Get one of those doting new grandparents to take the baby for the weekend and get away. No pressure to have sex, just to be together and relax. And catch up on sleep. Because no one is at their sexiest when they're sleep-deprived.

Oh, and did I say listen to Kit?

[Kristin Glasbergen]

I had the same thing with both of my pregnancies/babies. I think it's just how it goes. Kit is right there could be medical thing and it's a good idea to talk to a dr. Sex is hottest when you are ovulating!! Your body got the job done and is now focusing on growing that baby. When your period is back to normal and your body is ready to 'breed' again the drive will come back. It sucks and you do need to talk to your husband about it. It will end. Now that the baby making is done at our house, it's gooc times all around.

[Deanna Hernandez-Arza]

I agree with Kit...You have alot going on right now..Speak with your doctor and your husband

[Holly]

I totally agree with Kit... Dr 1st, then talk, get a vib. and some smut. When you have some random down time (naps)take advantage. The more you do, the more you'll want to and then you can get back on track with your hubs. Babies to tend to transform marriages... but that doesn't have to be bad. Just relax and things will work out.

[TheEngagementProject]

Sext! there's a reason all those highschool kids are pawing each other all the time!

send him a naughty little message or even a sexy picture. the thrill might get you going and the anticipation of his response will keep you thinking sexily all day. and then when you finally get your alone time together, you'll have had a full day of mental foreplay.

[downloadable08]

Dear NoSex McGee,

Are you breastfeeding? I ask because that can have your hormone levels fluctuating and be keeping your libido low. The good news is that if this is the case, once you wean your little one, things tend to even back out and your sex drive comes back.

Otherwise, Kit had some great advice. Hope things work out!

[buzzvibe]

I totally agree with Kit and the others. Kristin Glasbergen and downloadable08 have good points. Breastfeeding suppresses ovulation. No ovulation often causes low libido. The only other thing I would add is maybe look for brief opportunities to grab a quick cuddle or mini makeout session to reconnect physically throughout the day.

[No name]

#6 made me giggle because there are times I'm not up to it and I'm only providing visual stimulation by laying there doing my own thing (reading, relaxing, or tv) and then I'm pounced upon...too much visual stimulation *sigh*

Back on topic: I second visiting your gyn/ob