BloggingDangerously

With Apologies to PBS

After the kids had gone to bed and in preparation for Friday’sTwitter #wineparty I poured some Bailey’s into a glass with ice and then decided that I’d rather have it mudslide style so I broke out the blender and pureed it.  When my husband walked into the kitchen my face was all screwed up like a corkscrew.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“I have sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia” I said, repeating the scientific term for BRAIN FREEZE that we’d learned on the PBS kids show, Ruff Ruffman.

“I have a trick for getting rid of that,” my husband said, referring to the tip we’d learned on the same show that if you press your tongue to the top of your mouth, it helps warm the nerve in your head that causes Brain Freeze.

“What you think that if I press your cock to the roof of my mouth, it’ll warm up the nerve?” I asked him and then added, “they didn’t teach us that on Ruff.”

“If you like it Rough,” my husband said, “That’s okay with me.”

“Mommy?” my 3 year old said, walking into the room.

“Oh sweetie!” I said. “How long have you been standing there?”

Dangerous Letters, Vol. 10

So, author Joe McGinniss is supposedly writing a book about Sarah Palin, tentatively titled, Sarah Palin, the Year of Living Dangerously.  I wonder if there are going to be vibrators in it.

I was happy to see that people were as riled up as I was by the husband who told his wife that vibrators were 'disgusting.'  The article I referenced in this post says that vibrators are one of THE most common household appliances. Mr. Husband needs to get on the bandwagon!

For all of you who were interested in the Yellow Chair - my friend acquired said chair in the early 90s at Penn State and when I finally made him get it out of my apartment (you'll remember that his girlfriend wouldn't let him take it with him) he brought it out to the curb where it was taken within 15 minutes by some eager college kids with an eye for beauty.  For all I know that chair is still hurling lovers across Boston or your city today. 

A friend of mine gave me the number for the salon she goes to for her Brazilian's.  It's fairly far from my home but near the office where I work 1 day/week.  I could go next Tuesday and then go to work but what if something terrible happens and I still have to go to work, or WORSE, have to call in sick with a CLIT injury?!?  We'll see how courageous I'm feeling on Tuesday.  It could be just the thing to bring me back from a long weekend.

FYI, I asked my husband if I should "leave a little" or "take it all off" and he's been pawing me ever since.  (Also, I still  haven't gotten an answer.) 

Regarding the leprechaun post: I swear that I repeated it EXACTLY as it was told to me but it has officially been debunked an URBAN LEGEND, and also, NOT TRUE.  Still, with the way the Jehovah's Witnesses have been knocking on my door now that the weather is nice, I'd like to think it *could* happen.

I had so much fun with the wirting contest - and apparently you guys did too!  I know that 6 word stories is not an original concept but will continue posting short writing challenges.  Sometimes writing 6 words is harder than writing 200.  If you tweet you know what I mean.

Special appreciation to The Bloggess for taking time to contribute here.

Okay, enough about me.  Let's talk about you.  And your comments.  As always, the comments had me laughing out loud.  I'll post some of the best ones below but encourage you to go back and read them all.

On the post, And the Award for "Taking One for the Team" Goes To...:

I had to read this twice to know you weren't talking about baseball.

Looks like I need to have more sex.

Signed, San Diego Momma

Kit: I love baseball but in a completely different way than I love sex.  This isn't a sports blog.  Well, not that kind of sport.

Its so great when you get to score that many times without having to go extra innings.

Hats off to the hubs!

Signed, Barnmaven

Kit: Thanks for giving my husband the props he deserves for that performance.  Maybe next time it will be easier for me to 'convince' him if he knows he'll receive accolades!

On the post, Vindictive Love Tips:

I just inadvertently broke wind while straddling The Novelist. Honestly, I thought it was going to be a silent one and then next thing I know there's this noise - like the sound of a toy trumpet.

That had *some* relevance when I started, but now I've forgotten what it was. Maybe the whole "It doesn't smell bad" line because I *just* used it myself.

Plus, toe nail clippings (and finger nail clippings) are a serious issue for me. But after the whole farting episode, I'm not sure I really have a leg to stand on for a full on confrontation.

signed, Jo and the Novelist

Kit: For a non sequitur this was one of the funniest comments I've EVER received.  Also while 3 of my 4 children may have foregone dessert tonight for intentionally emitting gas during dinner, I'm horrified by the thought so this comment totally touched a nerve.  I would have to get a new novelist if this happened to me.

If my husband had said that to me? He would've had a vibrator shaped wound on his forehead. Just sayin...

signed, Roxane

Kit: My husband would be sleeping on the pull out couch in my office being lulled to sleep by humming sounds coming from the bedroom.

First of all, if Mrs. D ordered a vibrator, I would find out where she ordered it and make sure they overnighted it. Pre-10am delivery. And call in sick that day.

Second, per Roxanne above, if I called my wife "disgusting" about anything I would end up with some kind of wound on my foreSKIN. If I still had one. Which I don't because of the last time I said something that fucking stupid to her.

signed, AlexanderDope

Kit: I may have to ban AlexanderDope from my blog because he is funnier than I am.  But then I would not be able to spit any more Diet Coke at my work computer and that is oddly satisfying.

On the post, Ode to a Yellow Chair:

You know what's frightening to consider about roommate situations? Just how many people have fucked on the same crappy futon.

signed, Margaret

Kit: The REALLY disgusting thing about this chair was that it was SO dirty you kind of got that impression from it.

One question, was the chair covered in crushed velvet? Please say yes.

signed, Nikki

Kit: Hard to tell Nikki, by the time it got to me it was just matted and gross.

On the post, Bush Whacking:

I have gotten a Brazilian. It is TOTALLY worth not having to shave for a month, PLUS some. The process itself...well, that is an interesting one. The wax isn't the painful part. The lips...that is the painful part. I almost came off the table. Twice. Because God gave us two. In the end, I would do it again.

And like Bee said, you do have to turn over and get in doggy style position so they can make sure the exit (or entrance for some) is up to par. That part doesn't hurt at all, but it sure feels weird!

Also, you have to have at least a weeks worth of growth to get a Brazilian. I would say two weeks as it is slightly less painful as the wax will adhere to the hair and not your skin. In addition, the more you wax, the less you will have to in the future and times between waxing can get up to at least 8 weeks.

signed, Jess

Kit: I think Jess might be a technical writer in real life.  I'm not sure that this comment hasn't single-handedly terrified me out of going.  The thought of getting up on a table doggie style in front of a complete stranger and having them wax Down Under (AND NEW ZEALAND if you know what I mean) is almost inconceivable. (nevermind the TASMAN SEA! OW!)

Boston might be a little conservative, but I grew up in the deep South. Nothing like a gyno with a cross on her wall that likes to talk about the "beauty of motherhood".

Anyway, please try out the waxing thing. I've been shaving forever. (I never could stand having hair down there,) and I've been wanting to try getting it waxed. I just don't know if it's worth waiting for it to grow out.

signed, Peggypigtails

Kit: Thanks for admitting that you'd like me to be the guineapig Peggy.  I'll see what I can do.

On the post, You Don't Have to Believe in Leprechauns:

Oh man... all those crazy door-knockers I never locked in my closet. Missed opportunities, I tell you :(

signed, Bee

Kit: Agreed.  While I'll probably never be able to use this on the Jehovah's I WILL think about it when they knock.

On the post, A Writing Assignment:

Before I start with the comments - there were over 50 submissions - so THANK YOU.  I clearly can't post them all so please take the time to click here and read them yourself.

Here are a few of my favorites.

In his pockets? Sand and bullets. by Garrett

I haven't had sex since December. by Madeline410

done with school. bored as fuck. by Shaina

Sadly, my uterus is not cooperating. by Ally

I work with idiots. Shoot me. by Fuegita

Kit: The other entries were great but these got me because of the emotion they invoked IN ME.  Strength, Frustration, Boredom, Sadness, Frustration (but different.)  I loved this project.  Expect to see more.

Thanks to everyone who participated.

If you live in the States have a great long weekend.  Everyone else, I may or may not be posting on Monday depending on whether I manage to catch up on the sleep I've lost this week.

#wineparty Friday night (9pm Eastern) on Twitter if you're interested.  Stop by and say hi.

Have a great weekend.

Love,

Kit

A Writing Assignment

Every day that I write makes writing the following day easier.  There are different reasons for this.  One is that it has become habit - so writing is just part of my routine.  Another is that writing 5 posts a week takes the pressure off... If I were only writing once a week it would have to be STELLAR.  There would be no excuse for it NOT to be.  With 5, or more, posts per week, just getting it DONE is half the battle, making it good enough for you to want to come back tomorrow is perfection.  It doesn't have to be Pride and Prejudice. A third reason is that the more I think about writing the more ideas I come up with to write.  Another reason is that the more I actually put words together, the easier crafting them becomes.

So write.

I know it's hard sometimes to find inspiration and time.  Today I'm taking care of that for you.

Your assignment for today is to tell me a story in 6 words. 

I'll start.

GETTING MARRIED!
(don't use expired condoms.

Have fun.

Love,

Kit

You don't have to believe in Leprechauns...

But don't ever make fun of them, because they could be listening.

That gem was courtesy of my Irish Great Grandmother.  You're welcome.

I told this next story on Twitter so if you've heard it already I'm sorry but it's too good not to share.

The mother of a man I work with works with a woman who has an adult son who is developmentally disabled.  The son is well enough to live by himself but he does not work.

On March 17th, St. Patrick's Day he called his mother at work and complained that there was a leprechaun in his closet and that he was scared.  He asked her to come help him.

"Don't be silly," she told him.

He called several more times, each time telling here that there was a leprechaun in his closet and that the leprechaun was banging on the door, trying to get out and that he was very scared and would she PLEASE COME HELP?

Finally, she decided that he was not well and that she needed to go check on him so she left work early and went to his house.

When she got there she did, indeed, hear banging coming from the closet.

She OPENED the closet door to find...

a VERY SHORT Mormon missionary dressed in green for St. Patrick's Day.

Apparently the missionary had knocked on the man's door to give him the GOOD NEWS and after a time the son became confused and locked the man in the closet.  The man was completely PISSED OFF.

I would have been pissed off too - to catch a leprechaun and not even get a pot of gold!

Bush Whacking

The first time I tried shaving "down there" was in college.  I'd gotten a vibrator from my boyfriend and then they started sending catalogs every week.  I'm going to go out on a limb and admit that SOME of the porn writeups turned me on.  I KNOW, they are BEYOND dumb and are SO OBVIOUSLY targetting toward guys, but when I'm in the mood, what can I say?  Anyway, the pictures started giving me ideas and all of a sudden I was in the community bathroom contributing way more than my fair share of hair to the drain. 

I'm right-handed and I was having a REALLY hard time matching the shape on the right side to the shape on the left side (and who wants to be lopsided DOWN THERE?) so finally I just said FUCK IT and took it all off. 

To be perfectly honest with you I didn't care for it.  It was uncomfortable and it was a lot of work to maintain.  Also, a couple of days after I'd done it I hooked up with this guy in my social circle who was a total goody two shoes.  He tried to pretend that he was a player but the truth was that he had a girlfriend at home (I didnt know it at the time) that he was planning to marry and he'd never had sex with anyone else.  He and I didnt have sex but when we started our petting session and he felt the lack of hair-down-there he gave me a look like I was the CRAZIEST girl he'd ever been with.  REALLY?

I was so uncomfortable that I lied and told him that I'd lost a bet with a friend and the loser had to shave.  He seemed okay with that.  FYI, he was TERRIBLE. 

I couldn't deal with the upkeep so I let it grow back but a few years later I dated a guy in San Diego who HATED hair.  One night we had a few drinks and he grabbed a razor and a can of his shaving cream. HOLY FUCK that stuff burns!  Also, the guy happened to be deaf which I knew but in the morning when I grabbed a mirror and looked at his handiwork I noticed that he was also BLIND.  He did a terrible job.

In his defense it MAY have been difficult to focus what with me screaming one minute, "IT BURNS, GET IT OFF, IT BURNS! GET IT OFF" and the next Minute, "I dont care if you're done, I WANT SEX!"

Anyway, I cleaned up his work and was pretty pleased.

Until I moved back to Boston.

Boston is a more conservative city than San Diego.  In San Diego I didn't think twice about it but in Boston, going to the doctor for my annual physical was MORTIFYING.  "Do you ever worry about ingrown hairs?" she asked me once.  "Um, no." I answered, paralyzed, sweating and staring at the ceiling.

The boys were more appreciative.  My husband was fine with it when I met him and has no complaints now but the maintenance is getting old.  I hear that a Brazilian Waxing lasts at least a MONTH which would be totally awesome.  But I'm worried about how long it has to grow in before you can go get it waxed again.  I'm also concerned about having someone pour hot wax on me DONE THERE (you know, not in a fun way) and then rip out the hair.  Just having my eyebrows done makes me cry.

Still, I'm considering doing it, you know, for the blog.