Happy Mother's Day (you filthy animal)

My husband would like me to tell you that he MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT shriek like a girl when the bat was in the house.  All I'm going to say is that 5 months after the bat incident I was in our formal living room with my daughter when I heard, "AIEEEEEEEK, AIEEEEEEK" coming from the family room.  I calmly walked over and shut the french doors, locking my daughter and me in the room.  She looked at me TERRIFIED that Daddy was shrieking (LIKE A GIRL.)  "Don't worry," I told her.  It's just a bat.  Sure enough, my husband went running by a minute later with a towel.  We hid in the livingroom until the bat was disposed of.  Bats, like laundry, trash and mopping floors are something I don't do.

In other news, Sunday is Mother's Day.  I'm always hopeful on Mother's Day that the Mother of the Year people will knock on my door and present with an ENORMOUS check and a tiara for being Mother of the Year.  I'm pretty sure I deserve this award but it hasn't happened yet.  We live in a confusing neighborhood so maybe they just couldn't find my house.

My husband says that I've confused the Mother of the Year people with the Publisher's Clearinghouse people and that the Mother of the Year people probably don't drive around knocking on people's doors on Mother's Day unannounced because that would be very Rude.

Personally, I don't think it's EVER rude to give someone one of those huge checks and I get about a million MOTHERLY magazines so as long as they don't send Ed McMahon I don't care who they send with my money.

I'm a little nervous about this year's award though.   You see, last week on Twitter someone tweeted that she was MOST DEFINITELY in the mood to ORGASM, but also MOST DEFINITELY NOT in the mood to have sex.  And I could sympathize.  I'm sorry but there are just times when I am TIRED - too tired to tired to keep up my end of the encouragement, too tired to care about whether or not he has seen fireworks, too greedy to be done once he HAS seen fireworks, etc.  All I want to do is to clutch Carmen Electra tightly to mySELF, shudder uncontrollably two or three or EIGHT times, tuck her into my pillowcase, roll over and go to sleep.

This is what I recommended to my dear Twitter friend and then I realized that if I were going to take my own advice I would have to run into the bathroom and get ready for bed and INTO bed before he realized I wasn't coming back.  It's not that I'm embarassed to BE with Carmen with my husband in the room it's just that WE ALL KNOW HOW THAT ENDS so I had to be quick.

I was.  Into the bathroom; face washed, teeth brushed, moisturizer on, pajamas on and Carmen and I locked in a NEVER ENDING EMBRACE.  When it was over I tucked her into my pillowcase and my husband came to bed a little later, none the wiser.

None the wiser, THAT IS, until the following day when my daughter had a complete meltdown and he threw her, potato sack style, over his shoulder, carried her up the stairs and into our room.  He dropped her into our bed, where she prefers to nap and she cracked her head on my pillow.  "OW!" she yelled.

My husband reached into my pillowcase and pulled out Carmen Electra in all of her SHINY FAUX-METALLIC glory.  "What's that?" my daughter asked as my husband, horrified, slipped Carmen into his pocket and tried to pretend that it had never happend.  "Nothing," he said, "go brush your teeth before your nap." 

When she left the room he tucked Carmen back into her rightful place in my dresser drawer.  Later, when I called him from work to see how the kids were doing he said, "We had a great day.  The girls are napping.  Oh, and about that MOTHER OF THE YEAR AWARD?  YOU'RE NO LONGER IN THE RUNNING."

I knew immediately what he was talking about and the picture of him pulling Carmen Electra out of my pillowcase with my daughter watching was so funny that I burst out laughing, spitting Diet Coke all over my desk and narrowly missing my co-worker.  Later, she asked me what was so funny but all I could do was shake my head and mumble, "Maybe next year."

Comments

[Deanna Hernandez-Arza]

You are the funniest mother of the year!!!

[Kristin]

There is so a Mother of The Year award and I am certain they are coming to my house this year! You can tell your husband not to rain on all of our parades!!!
Also you are still in the running. One slip up does not disqualify you. Every mother has to take her turn with doing a terrible motherly thing. Like taking one for the team.

[Diane]

bahahaha your stories never get old! And think about it, when your daughter is older and realizes what it was, she's going to freak and then you'll have to explain that one to her! Having to have that conversation should definitely put you in the running for Mom of the Year. And I totally agree, funniest mother of the year for sure!

[Kim]

Totally Mother of The Year! Because when said daughte is older, she will completely understand that having a Carmen around is perfectly natural! Yeah!

[Just Another Mother]

Please, that was so your husband's fault. He should know the plopping a child down on your side of the bed is risky business and avoid it. Make sure Sunday's hairdo is tiara appropriate because I have a feeling this is your year.

[Elizabeth]

Way to hilarious! Totally the husbands fault though - he should know better! this is why my children are not allowed in my room when I'm not there - ever...

[Bee]

It's about time a real mother won instead of some "leave it to Beaver/picket fence" type.

No pun intended with the Beaver reference of course.

Real women use vibrators

[Suz]

Oh my daughter and her friend were going through my closet to play dress up when they were 8 and totally left the whole (seriously hidden to anyone BUT an 8 year old) treasure bag open after looking through it for glittery baubles. No clue on their part, none at all, and I thank whatever is holy that no one said "um, mom?" in a high squeaky voice filled with 8 year old angst that would haunt me until I was on my death bed had it happened. It didn't, phew. Point being? Like she knows? Hello? Not a chance. You're still officially in the running. No harm, no foul.

[Bee aka scarred for life]

Must say this though...

When looking for a blanket in my mother's cupboard recently I accidentally dislodged a box. That turned out to be FULL of sex toys. And sex toys that made my eyes go O.o

I considered telling my sister, but there's no point us both needing therapy :(

[mahmeeee]

it's going to hit her one day ... like it did me. i had no clue what the darn thing was when i saw my mom's. i thought it was a funny looking back massager. (didn't hit me that it is awfully small for a BACK massager...) but I was 10.

ew.
*shudder*
it still grosses me out today to think about it. i TOUCHED IT!

ew.

[alonewithcats]

I'm pretty sure that, uh, relying on Carmen Electra will ensure that you never become a mother again. So I think you're taking yourself out of the running for Mother of the Year. You're still ahead of me, though, as I have no children nor Carmen Electra. Savor the win.

[agentausten09]

LOL! Your poor daughter--thank goodness she isn't old enough to know what that was. Sadly, when I discovered my step-mom's toy, I was old enough to know and I was traumatized (still am...even though I don't look down on the use of toys!). It doesn't make you a bad mom or less mom of the year though :)