First, as regards yesterday's post and subsequent comments: Guys, it will NEVER be about baseball. Well, almost never. Unless Jason Varitek is involved. And then, again, it will likely not be about baseball. Thank you.
Second, as I started typing this, my 3 year old was in my bathroom, on the toilet, trying to convince my husband that, "No, Daddy, it doesn't smell bad in here, come see." He didn't fall for it.
So she called me in. She was wrong. It did smell bad in there. But what was WORSE was that I JUST cleaned the freaking bathroom on Saturday and it was already COVERED in fingernail clippings. Is he FUCKING kidding me? It's a good thing I'm anonymous because if you all ever read about the wife who stabbed her husband to death with a pair of nail scissors for leaving clippings all over the just-cleaned bathroom there would be NO HOPE for me getting away.
The worst part is that every time I clean them I count them and I never get more than 9. This DRIVES ME CRAZY because I KNOW that there are 10 out there. It's not like he threw ONE IN THE TRASH, right? It's just hiding somewhere... like on my toothbrush. ARGH.
Ok, I'm sorry. I'm feeling a little stabby because someone sent me a message saying that she ordered a vibrator and her husband called her "disgusting."
Seriously? Here is a guy whose wife is looking for ways to liven up the bedroom and he's being all judgmental? Honey, my suggestion is to hide it in your pillowcase and next time you and he are "together" apply it to his scrotum. We'll see who gets real 'disgusting' real fast! He'll be purring like Carmen Electra when her batteries get low!
That's it for today. More of Kit's vindictive love tips next time!
Your blog is a daily must for me...My day is not complete unless I visit your blog..Your Hubby need to use the trash can asap...
Posted by: D H-Arza | May 25, 2010 at 10:20 AM
His boring old insecure attitude is clearly why she needs to add a little somethin' to their routine.
Um, and your hubs... that's gross. Maybe trim your bangs and add it, garnish style, to his dinner.
Ha!
Posted by: Vicarious Chelsea | May 25, 2010 at 10:44 AM
I just inadvertently broke wind while straddling The Novelist. Honestly, I thought it was going to be a silent one and then next thing I know there's this noise - like the sound of a toy trumpet.
That had *some* relevance when I started, but now I've forgotten what it was. Maybe the whole "It doesn't smell bad" line because I *just* used it myself.
Plus, toe nail clippings (and finger nail clippings) are a serious issue for me. But after the whole farting episode, I'm not sure I really have a leg to stand on for a full on confrontation.
Posted by: Jo and the Novelist | May 25, 2010 at 05:20 PM
Ugh the nail clippings!! What is it with that???
Men reading this.... FFS put them in the bin. The most disgusting story comes from my best friend's ex-husband who would put them in his teacup. Or wait... was that my ex? I get confused. They were both idiots.
Rant aside, if anyone would like to volunteer for my testing the vibrator on their scrotum, I'm game :) Just don't leave your nail clippings lying around afterwards, or I'll put that vibrator somewhere a whole lot less fun. Or more fun now that I think about it... whatever :)
Posted by: Bee | May 25, 2010 at 09:06 PM
Ohh wow! I think men sometimes forget that women find that kinda gross...
The hubby that is against his wife having a vibrator has a BIG problem, maybe he's insecure about his size? I don't know but I've been trying to live without my vibrator for a few months now and my gosh! I miss it! I hope he "grows up" and learns how to welcome it to the bedroom.
Posted by: Dramaindc | May 25, 2010 at 09:20 PM
LOVE THIS TIP!!!
I love you!!!
Posted by: subWOW | May 25, 2010 at 09:47 PM
I love my husband, but I love BOB ( battery operated boyfriend) too !!
Posted by: Holly B | May 25, 2010 at 09:53 PM
With great power comes great orgasms. That's why the Hitachi is a plug-in.
Posted by: buzzvibe | May 25, 2010 at 10:02 PM
If my husband had said that to me? He would've had a vibrator shaped wound on his forehead. Just sayin...
Posted by: Roxane | May 25, 2010 at 10:03 PM
I saw that comment and could NOT believe it! My husband would think it was totally hot.
Oh, I'm stabby today too!
Posted by: G6scrapped | May 25, 2010 at 10:19 PM
Lordy, I'm glad all these people come here because I do.not.have.time to read all your blogs too.
I actually had to walk away from the computer after the "where's the 10th? On my toothbrush?" part cuz damn. Gave me the creepy-crawlies. Then Bee adds the teacup part & that they were both idiots.
My kids are mad that my snorting stifled-laughter is interrupting Elmo.
I love it here.
So glad my hubby is excited that I bought a vibrator. I lived with a Marine (probably not pertinent) for 3 years. He was also Catholic (definitely pertinent). I'm sure he wouldn't have wanted me to have a vibrator. One of the 3 times I thought he was going to kill me (not a euphemism) was when he figured out where I was heading as I kissed down his chest. I didn't even get to his bellybutton and he had a hold of me by my hair to stop my progress. Apparently he was not kidding when he said that he had had enough blow jobs from the bar girls in the Phillipines to last a lifetime, and that the future mother of his children didn't need to do *that*.
Then he had the audacity to tell my cousin (his BFF & brother Marine which is how we met) that we broke up because I WOULDN'T blow him. That's right "wouldn't" with a W. As if multiple requests were refused. More like didn't because I thought I'd get my neck snapped. As if I didn't know the gov't had trained him to kill people quietly; what I didn't know was if it would be painless so I decided not to find out.
Damn, once again I'm glad I didn't marry him.
Posted by: Rachel | May 25, 2010 at 10:21 PM
Where have you been all my life? How am I just finding you now? And one last question, are you married to my husband to? Cut your nails over the potty at least!
Posted by: Theresa | May 25, 2010 at 10:24 PM
Let's do one of those "Strangers on a Train" things . . . You kill my husband and I will kill yours.
Because I also have an idiot husband. I also have toenail and fingernail clippings on the bathroom floor, despite the fact that there is a toilet and a garbage can IN THE ROOM! And I am forever wondering what happened to #10. SO effing annoying.
It will be the perfect crime.
No one will suspect.
Sigh.
But he is good about vibrators. So there is that.
Posted by: kris | May 25, 2010 at 10:48 PM
My husband would DIE if I suggested using a vibrator. He thinks it's gross and wrong and I can't bring myself to admit I've used one before with an ex and it was AMAZING.
Posted by: A | May 25, 2010 at 11:43 PM
First of all, if Mrs. D ordered a vibrator, I would find out where she ordered it and make sure they overnighted it. Pre-10am delivery. And call in sick that day.
Second, per Roxanne above, if I called my wife "disgusting" about anything I would end up with some kind of wound on my foreSKIN. If I still had one. Which I don't because of the last time I said something that fucking stupid to her.
Posted by: AlexanderDope | May 26, 2010 at 12:02 AM
Just buy her one for her birthday, honey :) Or buy it for yours...
Posted by: Bee | May 26, 2010 at 08:23 AM
Great minds and all that, Ms. Bee. Father's Day is right around the corner and I've been thinking about what I want to get this year. For my wife, I mean.
Posted by: AlexanderDope | May 26, 2010 at 10:17 AM