The Time I Hooked up with an Axe Murderer (Don't Judge)

Just a little clarification on "SINGLE SEX WEEK." Single sex is about the sex you had before you get married (or after if you are re-single)  You know, the sex where you are actually allowed to forget your partner's name.

Also, my husband would like me to tell everyone that he did not mean that 'no one reads my blog,' he meant that 'no one in LAW ENFORCEMENT reads my blog.'  It may make him less of an asshole but, um, no, it did not make me feel better.

Finally, I'm a guest "Sexy poster" over at Anonymous8.  It's vanilla'd up for primetime but potentially still useful.  Check it out.

Today's story is about the time I hooked up with an axe murderer (don't judge, he was hot.)  Also, NO I did not have SEX with him, what do you think I am SICK?  The man CHOPS PEOPLE UP INTO LITTLE PIECES!

I was in a bar in Boston.  Note about Boston: If you grow up in Boston you are legally required to still be best friends with your best friend from kindergarten - regardless of how annoying she is.  Also, you are not allowed to go anywhere alone, you are never allowed to try new things and cannot, under any circumstances move more than 20 miles from your parents.  This is a fact.  Ask anyone. 

So there I was at a bar in Boston with my friends and I was SHOCKED to see a very handsome man STANDING ALONE.  I watched him for a bit to see if he was waiting for someone to come back from the bar or the bathroom but no, it was clear that he wasn't.  Then I watched him a bit longer to see if he was checking his watch or the clock to see if he was waiting for someone to arrive but again, no.

You can't understand how UNUSUAL the sight of someone ALONE is in Boston.  He may as well have been stark naked.

So I gathered my courage, walked up to him and asked him above the INSANELY LOUD MUSIC, "Where's your axe?"

I had to ask him 3 or 4 times, screaming directly into his ear - both because the music was so loud and because he was probably sure he'd heard me wrong.

And then he finally screamed back, "My AXE?" the look on his face indicated that he was fairly CERTAIN he'd heard me wrong.

And I screamed into his ear, "Yes. No one goes out my themselves in Boston.  And you're OBVIOUSLY alone.  So I've concluded that you're an axe murderer.  And SO, I was wondering, where'd you leave your axe?" (TRUE STORY)

At which point he nodded like I suddenly made perfect sense and he understood COMPLETELY - which of course I DID and he said "I left it at home."

We spent the next couple of hours talking and when the bar closed it was clear that we were interested in spending more time together.  Now he totally didn't LOOK like an axe murderer, but neither did Jeffrey Dahmer so I decided at that point (because he WAS ridiculously cute) that we would be going to MY apartment where there was some lengthy cutlery but, I was certain, no axe.

 

Comments

[LyricsExpress]

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

No details?

No... uhm... sigh...

Here I was - getting ready to recharge my batteries... I mean - uhm for the computer, yeah - the computer... LMAO!

And I get ---- so we went to my apartment.

uh....

uh.......

And????????

[Keri]

I was born and raised 20 miles north of Boston and it is true about not going out alone and keeping you BFF from grade school. My brother and his BFF met in Pre-K and they are 36yrs old and still meet weekly for breakfast. As for going out alone it is just safer that way, I mean Boston is great but not crime free. I carried pepper spray when I would come home from work at night, nothing ever happened but it never hurts to be prepared. Another good thing about you bringing the Axe Murderer back to your place is that you can kick him out when your done and all you have to do is roll over and go back to sleep instead of getting a taxi. Boston subways close at 1am or so which really sucks. Make him find his way home.

[furiousBall]

sure sign of an axe murderer: if during small talk, he asks, "so, what size skin suit are you?"

[Kristin Glasbergen]

Great story!

[Deanna Hernandez-Arza]

Sooo...what happens next...???

[Just Another Mother]

I don't want to sound all pervy or anything, because I'm truly not looking for a purient thrill, but the ending was rather...abrupt. Are we practicing bloggus interuptus?

[A Vapid Blonde]

I would have to say that is probably the best pick up line ever! And if you looked like Dexter thats just icing on the murdering cake!

[HexingThoughts]

Thanks for explaining why I don't get dates when I'm in Boston. Now I have to remember where I left my BFF from kindergarten so I can dig her up the next time I go to Boston.

[A Vapid Blonde]

AND by you of course I meant him. What with all of this hooking up talk I prematurely published.

[marymac]

Just got sent your blog link. LOVE it! The whole 'anonymity' thing was a good idea- should have thought if it before I started blogging about farm animal porn. DARN!
;) xo
will be back.
cheers!

[marymac]

p.s. it was *JEN* who sent me- I understand she is kind of a big deal around here. ;)

[Todd 'tojosan' Jordan]

Hey wait, you took him back to your pad and we don't get details? Sigh.
Also, is that part of the Boston thing? You make them feel welcome and invite them home? :)

[Wendyly]

Damn, all I ever picked up were drunk frat boys, and I don't think any of them had an axe.

[Bee]

I'm with you, Wendyly.... not one of mine had an axe. They were however an assorted bunch of tools.

[Peggypigtails]

Just found your blog, awesome!

Boston is exactly like that, btw. Except I thought they were all mobsters instead of ax murderers...

Or is it that only the ax murderers are alone?

[JennyMac]

Love this. Next chapter please????

I am happy to say I have had no close encounters of the axe kind.

[Runaway_tweets]

Ah, let's have more writing about Best Pickup Lines because this may be the best ever. Kudos to you, BD!

[Miss Ash]

I not only hooked up with him... but I also _slept_ with the axe murderer for like... a year. In my defense, he was really hot and I figured that if he was gonna kill anyone, it wouldn't be me because it was obvious we were seeing each other and his parents had met me... and, well, if I was axed EVER, he'd be the first person they investigated because, well, I *was* dating an axe murderer. Or serial killer. Either way I felt safe enough.