Let's be clear, despite what my mother might think, I was NOT a virgin when I got to college. However, there is a HUGE difference between having sex on your livingroom floor (true story) and having sex in your very own dormroom/bed with NO chance of anyone coming home to catch you.
My college boyfriend and I experimented. It was fun. I'm sure we'll cover this in more detail later but I'm telling you this because you need to understand the ENLIGHTED mindframe I was in when I came up with:
THE WASTED ORGASM THEORY.
Basically it goes like this; you should seize every opportunity you have to orgasm because every orgasm you DON'T have is GONE FOREVER and CAN NEVER BE RECOVERED.
Don't believe me?
Answer this: How many orgasms can you have in an hour? 1? 5? 20?
And if you dont have them can you have twice as many the following hour?
No? I didn't think so and I REST MY CASE.
Those orgasms you didn't have? GONE. FOREVER. SO SAD. TOO BAD.
And what the hell are you still doing here reading a BLOG for GOD'S SAKE? GO. ORGASM. NOW.
OK, I'm kidding. Keep reading. But as we kick off SINGLE SEX WEEK, I thought it would be helpful for you to understand the mindset I had for most of college.
Now for the sake of my reputation it's important to note that I wasn't screwing my way around campus like a bunny. BUT OH THAT POOR RABBIT I called my boyfriend, I don't think he had much chance to waste many either. In fact, I think he may have faked a couple.
At one point he and I challenged another couple that we were friendly with to a sex scavenger hunt. You had to have sex all over campus and you got points for different venues depending on the likelihood that you would be caught in the act. As evidence of how young and naive were were, you got 1 point for doing IT on the quad, a bonus point if you were caught and ONLY 1 additional bonus point if you were ARRESTED. Can you imagine that phone call? "Hey mom..."
Anyway, the other couple pulled out (hehe) of the competition before it even started with some CRAP about how sex was supposed to be an ACT OF LOVE and not a tawdry competition. WHATEVER.
My boyfriend and I were so excited by the prospect of the game that we decided to continue on even though there was no competition. We hit the hot spots, the quad, the football field, the President's Lawn, etc. but we were finally scared back into our bedroom the night we decided to try the chapel. It was Sunday night at around 9pm and Mass was at 10. We figured we had plenty of time before the service but the door was locked. We ended up doing it in the vestibule outside the doors. It was VERY COLD out so as soon as we were done we jumped up and put ourselves back together - JUST in the NICK OF TIME. No sooner were we ready to leave than the resident PRIEST walked into the vestibule. He knew us and we him. "Hi" he said, confused as to why we were early. But he was a college priest and I'm not sure he was confused for long.
"Hi" we said, "See you at 10" and walked quickly past him. I'm pretty sure my entire face was burning and GUILT was tattooed across my forehead. We walked a short distance and slipped into the shadows. We turned to face each other.
"Did you put your coat on the ground?" my boyfriend asked me.
"Yeah," I said. "The ground was freezing, remember?"
He laughed and pointed to a huge wad of EVIDENCE on my lapel.
This is a great post! I will be laughing all day and never waste an orgasm again.
Posted by: Kristin Glasbergen | April 26, 2010 at 08:02 AM
Man, I wish that I had been that adventurous in college or after college or ever.
Posted by: Jen | April 26, 2010 at 08:14 AM
That's awesome! One time I was helping out my husband in the shower and well I thought I rinsed all of his man juice off my hand and pushed the hair out of my face prematurely....he told I needed to rinse my hands better and be more careful. At least we were in the shower. Look forward to the rest of the week.
Posted by: L | April 26, 2010 at 08:20 AM
I wish I had known what an orgasm *was* in college. Oh, I had plenty of sex. But really awful, no-orgasm-sex. I think of all those wasted years between my teens and my thirties and I just want to cry. CRY.
Posted by: Mary | April 26, 2010 at 08:20 AM
Oh, that's fantastic.
I didn't get adventurous til after college. Then it was on like Donkey Kong. Sigh. I miss those days...
Posted by: Jennifer @ three pugs & a baby | April 26, 2010 at 08:28 AM
I was a late bloomer when it came to sex...Once I started , I could not stop...My roommate hated when my boyfriend now husband spent the night..we slept in the living room..we almost got caught by my other roommates a few times..
Posted by: Deanna Hernandez-Arza | April 26, 2010 at 10:12 AM
I was a virgin until college and married the first man I did IT with, even though the sex was awful. (Catholic Guilt has nothing on it's lesser known cousin, Baptist Guilt.) I wish I had known about the wasted orgasm theory back then. It would have saved my father the cost of my first wedding.
Posted by: Just Another Mother | April 26, 2010 at 11:09 AM
I think I found a new favorite blog! The insights into the twisted female mind is fascinating! BTW - I knew you all thought like this and now I see it in print!
Posted by: Real Dads Hangout | April 26, 2010 at 12:28 PM
LOL there is nothing like having the privacy of your own bed and knowing you won't get caught... and a little something fun in going someplace else and thinking you just MAY get caught
Posted by: Bee | April 26, 2010 at 09:07 PM
LOL!
Evidence. Blush.
I'm not that daring, and not sure I ever was..though there was that time at that party...
Posted by: Todd 'tojosan' Jordan | April 27, 2010 at 06:12 PM
My boyfriend lived 2hrs away and went to a Christian college so when I'd come to visit I'd have to sneek in and out of his dorm window, luckly he was on the first floor. I crawled out the window one morning only to see a family across the street, in their yard getting ready to go to church, watching me. I waved politely and then ran to my car:) But trying to take a shower in the boys community shower room praying no one would come in was just plain crazy!
Posted by: Jillian | April 27, 2010 at 11:51 PM
LMAO!! Was the evidence grass or used condom!! And boo on the couple that "pulled out" that sounds like a fun competition, especially being in college!! haha!! Once again you have dropped the panties (in a good way) with the excellent post!
Posted by: Judybopp | May 01, 2010 at 10:37 PM
Hahahaha this post was hilarious and made me laugh so hard. I agree no orgasm should be lost (:
Posted by: TheBigBookOfDating | December 01, 2011 at 03:37 AM