BloggingDangerously

Dear Debilitating Bacterial Infection,

I'm just going to come right out and say it: When I first met you, I didn't care for you AT ALL! 

I mean it: two days before Easter - on a HOLIDAY no less - and you drop in unexpectedly with the headache, the nausea, the joint pain, the night sweats and the fever.  I wasn't a fan and I'm not ashamed to say it.

Oh, sure, there were some good times; the hallucinogenic episodes when my fever hit 103, the delirium, the being able to yell "Get me some water with extra ice - STAT!" at my husband - and having him actually get it, FOR ONCE.

And then there was that dream - the one where we were in DisneyWorld, and I'd forgotten where I'd parked my car and my old friend Kim was suddenly there and we were in a parking garage and there was some girl being attacked by a guy - and he had cut off his own arm to attack her and so I stabbed him to save her and then I called my husband to say I'd found the car but was going to be a little late and oh, by the way, this is NOT the happiest place on earth. 

Anyway, as I was saying, NOT A FAN and when you left yesterday I was all "Don't let the door hit you on the way out" and then this morning I saw the BEAUTIFUL HOSTESS GIFT that you had left for me - right there - ON MY SCALE! - where I had LOST 5 POUNDS.

You are welcome back anytime and I now consider you my BFF!

Love,

Kit

Back to Normal (yes, that's relative)

Ok, now that Carmen Electra has arrived and things are back to normal I'll try to keep my posts "appropriate."

Nah, I'm totally kidding, we both know that's not why we're here.

Funny story; one night last week I came to bed late because I was up blogging about vibrators - I don't know about you but reading, talking, writing about sex totally gets me THINKING about HAVING sex, if you know what I mean.  So when I got into bed I may or may not have intentionally made enough noise to wake my husband up.

It went something like this:

Him: "ungh"

Me: "oh, are you awake?  And ready for sex?"

Him: "ungh. Tired."

Me: "Darn.  Okay.  Wow, I really wish Carmen Electra were here."

Let me tell you that 8 seconds later he was all over me like WHITE ON RICE. 

Now, I'm not complaining, but in the morning he had the NERVE to say that I'd planned the whole thing.

"Planned it?!" I asked, incredulous.

"You know what you said." he said.

"Yeah!  I was saying I wished I had a BACK-UP PLAN."

Why is it that when you say to a guy, "I just read a great article, that I'd like to read to you, about how when different breeds of dogs have sex with others, you can't tell what the litter will look like." all they hear is, "...I'd like to.... have sex with... you."?

Okay, that wasn't really appropriate, I'll try harder tomorrow.

Dangerous Letters, Vol. 2

When I decided to run with the "Vibrator Week" theme this week I had some doubts.  This blog is only 3 weeks old and had been getting some positive attention and I didn't want to scare you all off.

Momma always told me, "Wait until people like you to let them know you're crazy."

But I never listen to Momma.

So I have to thank you people for picking up the ball and running with it a la Forrest Gump.  Not only have my posts been well received but your comments have been more than I could have hoped for.  I'm probably one of the few people who can't wait to read her own blog every morning!

In case you  missed some of the comments and tweets I'm republishing some of the highlights below (with ed. notes.) These are BY NO MEANS the only comments worth reading and if you have some time I would STRONGLY ENCOURAGE you to go back and read them all.  WARNING: Do not do this while drinking milk.  I hate snarfing milk, don't you?

Here we go:

I have a 12-year old son whose puberty meter is pegged at 11. A while back I had to replace my ladyparts massager -- I never use it on my back. What's up with that?,ladies? -- so I ordered from a company that adds "free gifts" to your order.

My son found the free pink erm, man-masturbator & appropriated it for himself. Not long after, he let me know that the cocoa butter lotion I have on hand is insufficient for his needs (TMI, dude).

Recently I caught the dog chewing on it in the middle of the living room.

signed, willendorfVenus

Ed Note: I don't know if my favorite thing about this comment is the fact that she and her son have such an open relationship or the fact that I got a couple of Tweets telling me that people found this disturbing.  My reaction?  Personally I'd rather my children explore their own bodies until they're old emotionally old enough to deal with sex.

Next one:

Someone once gave me a vibrator shaped like a dinosaur for my birthday.

It was called a "shagasaurus" and as the name possibly suggests it was LOUD. I had to throw it away because I was so paranoid that someone would see it someday - or worse, hear it when it was in use *shudder*.

signed, Jo

Ed Note: All I could picture when I read this was my oldest son, the budding paleontologist in my family finding this "toy" and demanding to be allowed to play with it.  And, of course, the look on my husband's face while I tried to explain how "Mommy is a paleontologist too."

Moving on:

i've lurked around your blog ... but now i have to comment.

holy crap woman. my MOTHER had one of those!!! i didn't know what they were.... oh good lord!

on the flip side... 50% off eh?? :D 

signed, mahmeeee

Ed. note: Yes, 50% off!  Rumor has it several of you have taken advantage of this offer.  (FTC Note: I am not getting paid to sell vibrators.)

I would have so preferred that my mother had one of those. I am *still* haunted by the memory of finding a massive industrial sized one under her bed 20 years ago - and it had rotating heads and was a plug in, which probably caused a brown out when she tripped the trigger. Don't ask what I was doing looking under her bed. Even all these years later, all it takes is my sister or me (grown women, thank you) making a vibrating noise while the other one is trying to carry on a conversation with the old lady for complete and total collapse into laughing hysteria and gagging at the same time.

Finding this blog has been the highlight of a crappy week - thank you. I'm in.

signed, Suz

Ed. Note: I think that you and sis should get 'the old lady' a new model for Christmas.  Can you just picture the ladies at the retirement home fighting over it like dogs on a bone. (Bitches on a boner?)

At least you know what happened to Mr. Chin. I've had 3 of my dear little vibrating friends commit suicide. And the third suicide happened during one of my mother's infrequent visits, and I was so traumatized that I blurted out "Fuck! My vibrator committed suicide! Why the fuck do they keep committing suicide?" Awkward moment for me and Mom.

signed, Twisted Bride

I really enjoy any vibrator story that involves people's mothers.  I guess it's because I have such an awkward relationship with my mother that every horrifying word hits me in the gut.  Keep 'em coming.

The comment here was extremely passionate and funny but it was very long and a little off topic so I'm not going to include it here in it's entirety.  Suffice it to say that AlexanderDope seemed very concerned that one bumpersticker could prejudice women against (having sex with) all mankind.  Don't worry Al, we know that most of you are completely clueless -- and that some of you aren't.

Now for my favorite Tweets:

@blogdangerously I might have just spent the last 20 mins looking at vibrators. Thank you for that.
from @courtkneerawks

@blogdangerously IMO, if you're writing about vibrators and DON'T use the phrase 'whale carcass' you're just halfassing it.
from @redreesa

@blogdangerously You're changing women's lives this week. I know at least 2 that have purchased their own vibrators because of you.
from @courtkneerawks

It's this last one that makes it all worth it folks.  I'm just here to help.

Love,

Kit

He's at Home: A Buying Guide

In the early days of Nantucket, when the men were often away for years at a time on whaling voyages, they would carve phallic offerings to their wives out of whale bone.  These toys, called "he's at home" sustained their wives during their long absences.  (I'm sure there was some hot girl-on-girl action too but they didn't cover that on the museum tour.)

Thank goodness we've moved past whale carcasses.

Earlier this week when I was shopping for vibrators here (Use coupon code Sexy8 for free shipping and half off!) I learned that "vibrator" is the term for any sex toy that, well, vibrates but that they come in a whole host of shapes, sizes and even have some specialized features.

My personal favorite is the vibrating egg.  It's large enough to get the job done but small enough to go where you want it and not get in the way. 

If you're in the market for a vibrator, I would recommend that you consider the following:

1) Function.  
You might think that this is obvious, but an 8" toy can be a little unwieldy at times and a 2.5" egg can be a little "lacking" at others. You may need two.

2) Waterproof.
Even if you don't have a penchant for strangers' hot tubs you'll want to wash this baby.

3) Battery.
Some of the sleeker toys take watch batteries which are expensive, hard to find  and not very powerful.  Plus even if you find them at your local Ace Hardware, it's not going to take them long to figure out what's going on.  You only wear one watch.  Go for a toy that takes AA or AAA.  (There make rechargeable ones, but they're expensive!)

4) Sociability.
Remember these things aren't just for use by yourself.  They can certainly "augment" an otherwise healthy relationship.  Just remember that you MAY feel more comfortable pulling it out if you decide against the 12" extra large, glow-in-the-dark purple neon model.

5) Read the Customer Reviews.
Sometimes when you're aroused the product reviews are pretty convincing.  They're supposed to be.  Make sure you read the customer reviews before you buy. 

This concludes our public service announcement.  We now return to our regular programming.  Unless you're all too busy shopping for vibrators to pay attention.