BloggingDangerously

Confessions of Dangerous Blogger...

We all have those moments that we're not proud of...  You know those incidents that you keep to yourselves - the ones that eat away at you because you're too embarassed to tell anyone.

Well, that's why I'm here.

Welcome to CONFESSIONS week at Blogging Dangerously, where I'll be sharing some of my not-proudest moments with you and asking you to do the same.  Just a note, please don't confess to anything illegal, I don't want to have to put any of you in jail. 

Today's Topic is the Stupidest Thing I've Ever Done.

After my freshman year in college my boyfriend and I went to our respective homes 800 miles apart. We spoke on the phone every day but had an understanding that we were free to date other people while we were apart.  I didn't until I found out that he'd hooked up with the girl he'd dated before me. 

I ended up asking out this guy that I was working with.  He was hot as hell but not overly bright.  We spent the day at the beach and then we went out for dinner.  He brought me home late.  I told him about some lingerie I had purchased.  He asked to see it.  I brought him downstairs to my room (we lived in a split level ranch and I had turned the finished basement into my bedroom.)  I left the room to change.  When I walked back into my room in a teddy, I heard my brother yelling through the heating duct "Mom is coming,  Mom is coming."

The beach boy jumped up off my bed.  I ran into my closet and tried to find something to wear.  I was banging and bumping and falling over in the closet in the dark - she probably thought we were having sex with all of the noise that was happening. 

I was expecting her to throw open the door to my closet at any moment and find me even more naked because I had managed to get the teddy off but not get anything else back on.  Finally I found a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants - not the outfit I'd left in at all - and came out of the closet to find the beach boy hiding in a corner of my room.  I dont know how he thought she wouldn't see him but I guess I can't blame him since I was hiding in my own closet.

Anyway, my brother had run out of his room and physically detained my mother so she couldn't come downstairs.  I ran the boy out the front door then ran back downstairs and changed back into my date clothes then went upstairs to face the music. 

"He just wanted to see my room." I told her.  "Come on," I added. "It would be REALLY, REALLY stupid to bring him down to my room to have SEX. Wouldn't it?  I'm not THAT dumb."

She bought it.

As for the beach boy.  FIRST DATE.  LAST DATE.

Dangerous Letters, Vol. 4

So we've had a lot of fun here during Married Sex week at Blogging Dangerously - some of us more than others if the comments are any indication.  But one thing that I think we've all learned is that married or not, parenting or not, there's always time for sex  - you just need to make time and be flexible.

Also, talking about it, thinking about it, READING about it, is inspirational.  Do it.

Before we get into the comments (which were fantastic by the way) I'd like to clear something up.  I started the week with a joke, "Why is the bride smiling."  I said that the answer, "Because she knows she's given her last blowjob." was partly true.  And I'm sorry, but it is.  Now, I myself, am a big fan.  IN THEORY.

The problem comes IN PRACTICE.  Because I know that my husband is only good for ONE.  Now this wasn't true BACK IN THE DAY, but since your overwhelming response to "MARRIED SEX WEEK" was "Isn't that an oxymoron?" I'm sure you understand that while we CAN make magic happen, making it happen MORE THAN ONCE A DAY is NEVER going to happen.

And for the most part I'm okay with that.  Except when it comes to blow jobs. Because if I'm in the mood, I'm not feeling that generous.  And if I'm NOT in the mood, I'm DEFINITELY not feeling that generous.  So it happens, but I'm not going to lie to you, it probably doesn't happen as much as he'd like.  I keep telling him to "train up" or find me an 18 year old pool boy to cover the second act but so far it hasn't happened - which is fine with me because even though he only gets ONE, if I'm quick I can squeeze in three or FOUR!

Before I jump into this week's comments I'd like to thank everyone who left one.  There were over 50 comments this week, which is amazing.  It seemed like every time I checked my email there was a new one.  They really are the highlight of my day (and sometimes I think they're the highlight of this blog!)  So THANKS!  And I encourage everyone to go back and read the comments I don't have space to highlight below.

One last thing, next week's theme is Confessions so start thinking about all of those dirty little secrets that you've never shared with anyone and get ready to share them here, anonymously, of course, with all of us!

Here we go:

On the post Married Sex Week:

Wow, the same thing happened to me this weekend except the sex was so mind-blowing that I forgot my OWN name. And I was alone. And that's where we are: with a 4yo and 6yo, the bedroom is rarely the site of anything "mind-blowing". Or blowing.

The kids are like Jedi determined not to let any stirring in the "Force" go undisturbed. Actually, I guess that would make them more like Sith. If these terms are unfamiliar to you then you don't have a 6yo boy. And you're very lucky.

On the bright side, only 14 years till the youngest is off to college -- and that's the worst case. We're tutoring them twelve hours a day, trying to get them accepted at a decent university within the next two years. It's not looking good, though. Our little princess, the Shakespeare "scholar", pretends to confuse Richard II with Richard III while number one son acts like Special and General Relativity are the same thing. Selfish little ingrates.

signed, AlexanderDope

Kit: As the mother of two boys OBSESSED with Star Wars this comment made me laugh out loud.  Particularly because of the number of times my love life was thwarted by an ill-timed light saber (empty paper towel holder) jab to my husband's package.

The best - and most married - part of that story is that he didn't care that you forgot his name. I love it.

signed, Jerseygirl

Kit: Agreed.  Plus he's probably sick of me screaming his name - since there's usually a chore at the end of it.

Amen Sister. I think we are twins separated at birth...We always say...daddy is giving mommy a massage and you can't come in right now...My 13 yr old always rolls his eyes, thats getting kinda weird.

signed, LABeachMom

Kit: My daughters would want to come in and "help."  Talk about weird!

Yep. Waiting on the married thing...Thanks for the incentive for that, folks!

signed, HexingThoughts

Kit: It's not as bad as it sounds.  You have to get creative but you're so focused on 'getting it done' that the insecurities go out the window!

The males of any species are undeterred, no matter what the consequences, if the possibility of sex is an option. I'm not saying this is similar to the sexual dynamic in my house, but I'm not saying it isn't either.

signed, Mikemoore72

Kit: This is a fact.

On the post, Love in the Time of Children:

Married sex is test driving hubby new truck and taking advantage on getting it stuck in a mud hole we never should have been anywhere near. having my cell go off a million times while the 16 yr old frantically called to find out why our ride round the block was taking so long!!!

signed, Bree

Kit: All I can say is BRAVO!

I think my kids have some kind of Mom-&-Dad-are-having-sex radar. I swear the kids can be watching TV, playing outside, asleep whatever and we will not have heard a peep from them and as soon as we are in the middle of having sex, a kid knocks on the door.

signed, Superwomanguest

Kit: Is this same as on-the-phone radar?  Because the US should develop that to find Osama Bin Laden.  It is pinpoint accurate.

I thought sneaking around and trying to hid from my parents was tricky - then I had kids. Now I spend my nights having to sneak around from them too! Great post!

signed, Designher Momma

Kit: Thanks! It was much easier to hide from my mother - I could hear her coming.  My kids have stealth technology.

We're so neurotic that we wait until they're asleep for at least an hour. After that many times we are sleeping to. Sigh.

signed, thenextmartha

Kit: Now you know why I spend so much time on Twitter - waiting for the kids to fall asleep!

On the post, My Brief (but Freaking Awesome) Career in the Sex Industry:

I'm guessing that Mr Craigslist had a fun time with your 'demos'. Come to think of it, what an easy way to get women sending you hot recorded chat for free? LMAO

signed, Ross

Kit: The funny thing is that this DIDN'T EVEN OCCUR to me until I read Ross's comment.  I thought that the guy was just a sleazebag who wasn't paying me.  I think it hurts more to think that he was a pervert.  Thanks Ross.

Laughing. Snarfing. Snarfing coffee all over my damn self as I laugh my ass off! Oh god. This is too much!

signed, Rebekah

Kit: Awesome!

This might be the best post ever! I just found your blog and am loving it. Would it be too much to ask for Married Sex Month instead of Week?

signed, Apparently P

Kit: Let's just say that Married Sex week has been inspirational for me as well, so I think that my husband and I are both looking forward to a rest. :) Besides, who knows what fun CONFESSIONS will bring?!

On the post, Blog That!:

Heeheehee.... Your neighbour is probably just jealous. The only time I've been embarrassed by my own vocal exuberance was when I was dating a man who lived in an apartment and his landlord asked him to please ask his girlfriend to be "less religious". On the blogging front- my husband has never asked right after sex, but he has asked me if I blog about his prowess.... I haven't... yet...

signed, Pottymouthmommy

Kit: "Oh God" is a good suggestion, of course the last thing my husband needs is a Messiah complex.  Maybe I'll just stick to, "yes, yes, yes."  It seems to be working.

Yes, I have done that. Only my neighbor said, "I guess we know why you're always so chipper in the mornings, don't we?" and winked. He's like, 80 years old.

signed, Just Another Mother

Kit: That's the greatest story! 

I had a similar neighbourly experience. Except it was Skypesex and the middle of the day. Air-conditioning really should take precedence over an open window in a time like this. Global warming is an issue - yes. But my blushing cheeks when seeing the neighbours the following day surely emitted far more heat than an ac system would!

signed, Bee

Kit: Next time turn the volume down and use a headset!

That wraps up another week!  See you Monday!  Feel free to stop by on Twitter and say "hi" @blogdangerously.  If you tell me that you read my blog I'll add you to my FREAKING AWESOME PEOPLE list.  High praise.

Love,

Kit

Blog That!

A couple of the comments on yesterday's post reminded me of this story from approximately 20 years ago:

My grandmother called my mother and said, "I'm getting free underwear!  Do you want some?"

My mother asked her, "Why are you getting free underwear?" 

And my grandmother answered, "I don't know.  Some guy called me on the phone and asked me what color underwear I was wearing so I told him, 'pink.'  And then he asked me if I liked to wear red and black underwear and I said, 'OH SURE! but I really like pink and white' because I figured he must be from the underwear company and giving out free samples."

I get my "GULLIBLE" from her.

Before I go on, I'd like to ask a question of my blogging female readers.  Have you ever had a particularly AMAZING sexual encounter with your significant other which he finishes by saying, "BLOG THAT!"

I always say, "OK!" And sometimes I think that he really thinks I'm going to.

And I guess this week I finally did.

Here's another one for you.

One night last summer my husband and I went to bed early - around 9 - because it was 100 degrees in the livingroom and we have A/C in our room and because I had plans for the following night.

So we get into bed and my husband rolls over to kiss me goodnight and we start making out and one thing leads to another and before you know it I'm screaming "OH GOD!" at the top of my lungs (yes, I'm THAT girl.)  And it was really good.

But then when it's over he gets out of bed and I ask, "Where are you going?" and he says, "I'm going to put the A/C on." and I ask, "It's not on?" and he says, "No, the window's open."

And I COMPLETELY freak out because we live on a small cul-de-sac where EVERYONE leaves their windows open and EVERYONE goes for walks after they put the kids to bed.

And sure enough, the next night when I'm coming home from having dinner with some friends I bump into my neighbors going for a walk.  And I ask, "Going for a walk?" and the wife says, "Yep.  We go for a walk EVERY NIGHT at this time." (emphasis HERS)

I don't know who was blushing more, me or her husband.  Then I died of embarassment and woke up the next day in my bed.

Love,

Kit

My Brief (but FREAKING AWESOME) Career in the Sex Industry

I'll start by saying that in college I was into sex.  I know, I KNOW, who ISN'T into sex in college?  I'm just saying, think about how sex crazed YOU were in college and then, I don't know, cube it.

(Catholic Guilt Disclaimer: I did not sleep around.  Hm, let me rephrase that.  I did not sleep with a lot of different guys.  I slept with the same guy, all AROUND campus.)

Anyway, one day I'm sitting in Chemistry and I see an ad in the campus newspaper for a phone sex job.  I KNOW, RIGHT?  That's what I was thinking, P-E-R-F-E-C-T!  So I called and left a message.  But they didn't call me back.  So I called again and again and again and again and it always went to machine.  And now I'm thinking that they were probably listening to the messages to figure out which girls they were going to call back but since I wasn't thinking that at the time, my messages probably screamed NERVOUS CATHOLIC GIRL and not HOT PHONE SEX CHICK.

However, the aforementioned boyfriend and I each went home for the summer, 800 miles apart. So LET ME TELL YOU, I got really good at 'talking about it' really fast. ALSO, faking it on the phone.

And then a few years later I dated a guy who lived on the other side of the country, a HORNY guy, and all we ever did was talk.  So yeah, I'm an expert.

Anyway, about two months ago on a Friday afternoon I got a call from a co-worker and we spoke for a while and then he said, "You know, you have a GREAT phone voice."

Which reminded me of all of this UNTAPPED talent. And then I thought, "INTERNET" and then I thought, "pedicures, housekeeper, MASSAGE!" which are basically the things I would love to spend money on instead of mortgage, food, pre-school.

So I did a Google Search on "phone sex jobs" but they all required you to work 40 hours a week with a couple of Friday night and overnight shifts and HELLO, THAT'S WHEN I TWITTER! so I couldn't commit.

And then this guy made the news for mugging prostitutes that he met on Craigslist and I was all, THAT'S IT! (no not mugging people, you psychopath) CRAIGSLIST! so I did a search on Craigslist for Adult Paid Jobs or something like that and I found an ad looking for someone to record sexy audios for sale.  I created a fake hotmail account (because I'm all about ANONYMOUS) and contacted the advertiser.  He told me that I needed to send him 5, 3-7 minute audio clips to get started.  He sounded desperate for the files.  He was going to pay me 50% of everything he sold.

Well, at the time I was commuting 120 miles, 3 days a week so I had NOTHING BUT TIME in the car.  The first day I recorded a 3 minute audio.  It was hot. That night my husband and I made sweet love.

The next day I recorded 3, 7 minute audios. SO HOT. That night I gave my husband a "special treat."

The next day I recorded 3, 10 minutes audios.  LET ME TELL YOU, I was SO TURNED ON by the time I got to work I had to sit in my car for 5 minutes to calm down.

When I got home that night I virtually attacked my husband and we DID THINGS we hadn't done in YEARS.  He was SO HAPPY.

And then I mailed my 7 audio clips to MR. CRAIGSLIST and I never heard from him again.

That was the end of my career in the sex industry but sometimes I go back and listen to those audios for a little inspiration.

PS If you ever stumble across an audio file of a middle-aged woman discussing a Mr. Chin, please let me know.

Love,

Kit

Love in the Time of Children

Our nightly routine goes something like this:

Eat dinner anytime between 5 and 6:30.
7pm bring the kids upstairs for baths.
7-8pm Utter Chaos
8pm lights out.
8-8:45 retuck a number of different children for a variety of different reasons
8:45 Either my husband or I completely lose our shit and scream, "The next one who gets out of bed is not watching TV for a month!"
9pm all children in bed, mostly asleep.

Last night at 8:00 I kissed my daughters and walked into my bedroom where my husband was sitting on the edge of my side of the bed looking at me expectantly.

I rolled my eyes.  "What?" I asked.

"Nuttin'," he answered. He opened his arms for a hug.

I stepped in.  He kissed me - THAT WAY.  I pulled away.

"What Nuttin?" I asked.

"Nuttin'" he said pulling me back.

"What about them?" I asked.

"You know I only plan 7 or 8 inches ahead." he said.

I rolled my eyes again. "Great." I said getting naked, while he moved the nightstand in front of the door.

I should mention that my husband recently had shoulder surgery so sex has never been so acrobatic.  It's not that his shoulder is suddenly healed and we can do things we've never done before, it's quite the opposite.  Since he can't handle missionary anymore we have to try OTHER POSITIONS and let me tell you I HAD NO IDEA THERE WERE SO MANY!  And let me further tell you, THEY'RE FANTASTIC.

On top of that, there is nothing like narcotics to slow down your husband's "culmination."  Trust me, you'd be breaking into drug stores for Oxycontin if you knew what this stuff could do.  It's better than Viagra.

Last night I finished, finished again, napped, woke up, finished twice more and he was still "giving it the old college try" if you know what I mean.  In fact, I was on the verge of calling an injury time out when we both heard the *creak* of my daughters' bedroom door.  And have to say, I haven't seen my husband move so quickly in YEARS.  He was up and running naked across our bedroom yelling, "go back to bed, go back to bed, go back to bed" for all he was worth.

And there I was, scrambling to put on my pants while my 4 year old twisted the door knob to our room and banged the door into the nightstand 5 or 6 times, not understanding why it wasn't opening and crying, "But Daddy!" over and over while he was scrambling to get dressed, obviously "unfulfilled."

Finally my daughter cried out "Fine" and went back to her room, leaving us breathless from the first activity and more so from the scrambling to get dressed and EVEN MORE SO from the panic of our daughter potentially catching us.  I looked at my husband and said, "I'm sorry, I'm done.  There's lotion in the shower."

He just nodded and walked into the bathroom.