I'll start by saying that in college I was into sex. I know, I KNOW, who ISN'T into sex in college? I'm just saying, think about how sex crazed YOU were in college and then, I don't know, cube it.
(Catholic Guilt Disclaimer: I did not sleep around. Hm, let me rephrase that. I did not sleep with a lot of different guys. I slept with the same guy, all AROUND campus.)
Anyway, one day I'm sitting in Chemistry and I see an ad in the campus newspaper for a phone sex job. I KNOW, RIGHT? That's what I was thinking, P-E-R-F-E-C-T! So I called and left a message. But they didn't call me back. So I called again and again and again and again and it always went to machine. And now I'm thinking that they were probably listening to the messages to figure out which girls they were going to call back but since I wasn't thinking that at the time, my messages probably screamed NERVOUS CATHOLIC GIRL and not HOT PHONE SEX CHICK.
However, the aforementioned boyfriend and I each went home for the summer, 800 miles apart. So LET ME TELL YOU, I got really good at 'talking about it' really fast. ALSO, faking it on the phone.
And then a few years later I dated a guy who lived on the other side of the country, a HORNY guy, and all we ever did was talk. So yeah, I'm an expert.
Anyway, about two months ago on a Friday afternoon I got a call from a co-worker and we spoke for a while and then he said, "You know, you have a GREAT phone voice."
Which reminded me of all of this UNTAPPED talent. And then I thought, "INTERNET" and then I thought, "pedicures, housekeeper, MASSAGE!" which are basically the things I would love to spend money on instead of mortgage, food, pre-school.
So I did a Google Search on "phone sex jobs" but they all required you to work 40 hours a week with a couple of Friday night and overnight shifts and HELLO, THAT'S WHEN I TWITTER! so I couldn't commit.
And then this guy made the news for mugging prostitutes that he met on Craigslist and I was all, THAT'S IT! (no not mugging people, you psychopath) CRAIGSLIST! so I did a search on Craigslist for Adult Paid Jobs or something like that and I found an ad looking for someone to record sexy audios for sale. I created a fake hotmail account (because I'm all about ANONYMOUS) and contacted the advertiser. He told me that I needed to send him 5, 3-7 minute audio clips to get started. He sounded desperate for the files. He was going to pay me 50% of everything he sold.
Well, at the time I was commuting 120 miles, 3 days a week so I had NOTHING BUT TIME in the car. The first day I recorded a 3 minute audio. It was hot. That night my husband and I made sweet love.
The next day I recorded 3, 7 minute audios. SO HOT. That night I gave my husband a "special treat."
The next day I recorded 3, 10 minutes audios. LET ME TELL YOU, I was SO TURNED ON by the time I got to work I had to sit in my car for 5 minutes to calm down.
When I got home that night I virtually attacked my husband and we DID THINGS we hadn't done in YEARS. He was SO HAPPY.
And then I mailed my 7 audio clips to MR. CRAIGSLIST and I never heard from him again.
That was the end of my career in the sex industry but sometimes I go back and listen to those audios for a little inspiration.
PS If you ever stumble across an audio file of a middle-aged woman discussing a Mr. Chin, please let me know.
Love,
Kit
I'm guessing that Mr Craigslist had a fun time with your 'demos'. Come to think of it, what an easy way to get women sending you hot recorded chat for free? LMAO
Posted by: Ross | April 14, 2010 at 09:20 AM
::effing deader than the deadest have ever been dead::
that's it. I'm sexting my husband..
Posted by: Blair@HeirtoBlair | April 14, 2010 at 09:27 AM
Laughing. Snarfing. Snarfing coffee all over my damn self as I laugh my ass off! Oh god. This is too much!
Posted by: Rebekah @ mom-in-a-million | April 14, 2010 at 10:15 AM
Your "you killed Mr Chin" story is my absolute favourite. Any time he rates a mention I get a smile :)
Although I'm sure his memory makes you smile too, just in a different way :)
Posted by: Bee | April 14, 2010 at 10:56 AM
You're my new hero!
Posted by: gbug | April 14, 2010 at 02:08 PM
Hilarious! I feel so awkward about the phone stuff. Could you give me a few pointers? Lol.
Posted by: Ashley | April 14, 2010 at 02:15 PM
baahahahahah! cannot get enough of you, kit, for realz. my boyf and i were long-distance for quite some time before we finally lived in the same city, and i bought into the bluetooth concept just to be able to, uh, talk while commuting my long commute each day. yeah, there's not safe driving while 'talking.'
Posted by: Meredith Blumoff | April 14, 2010 at 03:13 PM
i was a phone psychic for a little bit
messed up stuff yo
WHO CALLS THOSE THINGS?
::side eye::
::dials phone::
Posted by: FamilySizedFun | April 14, 2010 at 05:18 PM
This might be the best post ever! I just found your blog and am loving it. Would it be too much to ask for Married Sex Month instead of Week?
Posted by: Apparently P | April 14, 2010 at 10:58 PM
This is an absolutely HILARIOUS story. Sounds like it could have been your true "calling."
Posted by: Sarah Baron | April 15, 2010 at 08:27 PM
Thanks for yet another laugh out loud moment.
You are bringing back such fond memories!
:)
Posted by: Wendy Wiseman | April 20, 2010 at 08:59 PM
Oh, what a great story. Props to you!
I also tried doing the phone sex operator thing in college. I was a disaster. During my first--and last--call, I couldn't keep from giggling when the poor guy started panting into the phone. Epic fail on my part, I totally killed the mood and my phone sex career. Yeah, I was really immature back then. :)
Posted by: buzzvibe | April 27, 2010 at 09:27 AM
Ha! Love it.
Posted by: Jenny, Bloggess | May 18, 2010 at 11:17 AM
niteflirt.com, boo.
Posted by: hollas fo dollas | February 11, 2011 at 04:44 PM