I'm sure you've all heard the old joke, "Why is the bride smiling?" and the punchline, "Because she knows she'll never have to give another blow job." And while there's some truth to that (sorry guys!) the reality is that most people are just as into sex after they get married as they were before, there are just a lot more things to get in the way so you have to be increasingly creative. Particularly after children arrive on the scene.
We were talking about it this weekend on Twitter, and my friend Jen pointed out that, "sometimes married sex is taking advantage of that attic time while you're getting x-mas stuff down."
Then, in my signature vibrator style, I pointed out that "sometimes married sex is taking turns watching the kids while you each go 'take care of business' by yourselves.
This week I'll be sharing some of the more creative sexual moments of my marriage, as well as asking you to share yours.
Here's a great story that happened this weekend.
It was Friday night and the kids had gone to bed a little bit late so they'd fallen right asleep instead of getting up 50 times each. I'd finished my to do list for the week so I was surfing the web, not doing anything productive. My husband (of 9 years) was watching tv. It had been a while since we'd had sex because I'd been sick earlier in the week and I decided that it was the perfect night for him to meet Carmen Electra.
When I heard him turn off the tv I went into our bedroom and got ready for bed. When he came in I said, "I hope you're not too tired because I expect BIG things from you." He laughed and went to brush his teeth.
I grabbed Carmen, hopped into bed and turned off the lights. "I'm starting without you." I called.
He joined me a few minutes later and it was FANTASTIC. Like I said, it had been a while and I was ready, he was ready and it was PERFECT! So perfect in fact that at one point I went to scream out and realized that I'd COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN HIS NAME.
I paused. He noticed. "What's wrong?" he asked.
"I forgot your name." I told him.
He laughed and then stopped, "WHAT?!?"
"Shh" I told him, "Whatever-your-name-is, don't stop."
He looked at me, shrugged and continued on. AND IT WAS GOOD.
LOL! What a hilarious and great story! I've been reading back entries--and I get great laughs :) Keep up the writing!
Posted by: agentausten09 | April 12, 2010 at 08:19 AM
Lucky! My baby seems to have a hyper sex sense (i made that up) and shoots straight up from a deep sleep whenever my husband try to have sex. We have to literally put every single toy in the house in one room, put the kids together, run into our bedroom have quickies. Even then our 2 y/o daughter freaks out because she always know we're up to something. Then the other 2 follows, *sigh* My husband is totally capable of giving me mind blowing orgasms, too. Freakin' kids.
Posted by: Sommer J | April 12, 2010 at 09:08 AM
Yowza! Yes, that's great sex. The best sex is when you forget your own name!
Posted by: Adrienne | April 12, 2010 at 12:26 PM
So completely hooked on your blog already.
Posted by: Christie {Honoring Health} | April 12, 2010 at 12:35 PM
Wow, the same thing happened to me this weekend except the sex was so mind-blowing that I forgot my OWN name. And I was alone. And that's where we are: with a 4yo and 6yo, the bedroom is rarely the site of anything "mind-blowing". Or blowing.
The kids are like Jedi determined not to let any stirring in the "Force" go undisturbed. Actually, I guess that would make them more like Sith. If these terms are unfamiliar to you then you don't have a 6yo boy. And you're very lucky.
On the bright side, only 14 years till the youngest is off to college -- and that's the worst case. We're tutoring them twelve hours a day, trying to get them accepted at a decent university within the next two years. It's not looking good, though. Our little princess, the Shakespeare "scholar", pretends to confuse Richard II with Richard III while number one son acts like Special and General Relativity are the same thing. Selfish little ingrates.
Posted by: AlexanderDope | April 12, 2010 at 12:38 PM
YUP - I will be checking in with you all week, because this is THE area I need help with right now.
Thanks for the motivation!
Posted by: sarah | April 12, 2010 at 02:24 PM
hahhahaha LOVE it! Wow. I love how he just carried on like, oh whatever. :)
Posted by: Alissa | April 12, 2010 at 02:38 PM
The best - and most married - part of that story is that he didn't care that you forgot his name. I love it.
Posted by: Jerseygirl | April 12, 2010 at 02:43 PM
That's fantabulous. For years all I ever dated were Johns and Jasons (and married a Jason) Not too hard to remember if you have a pattern.
And, OF COURSE, I want to be added to your freaking awesome people list, despite not knowing quite exactly what that is.
Posted by: Amy Mayfield | April 12, 2010 at 04:09 PM
First time visiting, and while I am more of an "attic time" than a "Carmen Electra" sort of girl, I loved your story. Happily adding you to my list of things to read!
Posted by: kris | April 12, 2010 at 04:58 PM
The shower has been our friend for a long time. Kids don't want to interrupt so much when you suddenly need to potty while hubs is in the shower. {grin} Oh - and Carmen Electra *must* be the waterproof, remote control variety.
Keep them stories coming!
Posted by: Ky | April 12, 2010 at 05:06 PM
Amen Sister. I think we are twins separated at birth...We always say...daddy is giving mommy a massage and you can't come in right now...My 13 yr old always rolls his eyes, thats getting kinda weird.
Posted by: LABeachMom | April 12, 2010 at 05:28 PM
I have not that I can remember forgotten my hubby's name but that's probably just because I try to be quiet and not wake the kid down the hall.
We did have an "oh shit" moment the other night when we snuck some nooky in and then my hubby went out the kitchen for water to find my 10 y/o standing in there. He was like "what are you doing?" son says "just getting a drink". I'm pretty sure he lied his little butt off but I have decided to just go with it.
Posted by: Steph | April 12, 2010 at 10:16 PM
It should be a goal for every married couple to try and find the time for awesome name forgetting moments. Even if it's in the attic. Just close your eyes, Santa isn't watching.
Posted by: thenextmartha | April 12, 2010 at 10:58 PM
Yep. Waiting on the married thing...Thanks for the incentive for that, folks!
Posted by: HexingThoughts | April 12, 2010 at 11:04 PM
I am CRYING at the Jedi/Sith comparison of children at night. O M G. HILARIOUS! I'm definitely reusing that.
So freakin' true.
Posted by: Darthsunshine | April 13, 2010 at 12:02 AM
OMG.....the Star Wars analogy made me almost pee my pants. I live with 3 boys (4 if you count the Hubster). I still can't quit laughing!!!
Posted by: Amanda | April 13, 2010 at 12:48 AM
LOL about the kids and finding time. Also the 'doing your own laundry' has happened before. If it hasn't in a marriage then they haven't been married long. Sigh.
Toys can be fun. Want to hear a surprise thing. going to a Christian marriage retreat and having them have a sex session. NO not porn, but talking about sex and marriage. They even went into talking about toys. You could see some folks were uncomfortable but the leaders made the point that sex isn't dirty, it's a gift. They also pointed out there is nothing wrong with using toys as long as they don't become the sole object of affection. :)
Cheers
Posted by: Todd 'tojosan' Jordan | April 13, 2010 at 10:38 PM
"male[s] ... are undeterred by this and they continue to initiate this bizarre mating ritual."
see the article here: http://bit.ly/a9MMAn
the males of any species are undeterred, no matter what the consequences, if the possibility of sex is an option. I'm not saying this is similar to the sexual dynamic in my house, but I'm not saying it isn't either.
Posted by: Mikemoore72 | April 14, 2010 at 12:23 AM
OMFG - That was sooooooooo fuuuuuunnnnnyyyy! I totes just snorted snot onto my laptop screen! So, um...thx for that.
Posted by: Courtney | October 19, 2010 at 01:30 AM
Yes I have had this name-forgetting moment once, and I honestly thought I was a freak! Good to know there are others out there... =)
Posted by: Trish Cardona | January 21, 2011 at 09:05 PM
My most memorable married sex story is this: Every Friday night we put a mattress down on our bedroom floor and let our two daughters watch a movie with us and fall asleep. Then my husband picks them up and moves them to their own bed. One Friday night we were both tired so after he moved the girls we ended up talking a bit and then fell asleep. About 3am we both woke up and decided to have a bit of fun. We did stuff that we hadn't done in a while...going at it like teenagers. Right at the end we heard our oldest daughter say...."Daddy what's a cock?" OMFG those girls had gotten out of their bed in the middle of the night and slipped back into our room and fell asleep on the mattress on the floor!
Posted by: Cookie dough | March 03, 2011 at 10:33 PM
Hahaha!!!! I'm putting "have forget-my-husband's-name-mind-blowing sex" on the to-do list for tonight. You're right though, we do have to get creative and after 20 years and 4 kids, I've got it down to an art form. I will admit that there's a lot more action for us now that our kids are bigger though (youngest is 6), those baby days were not always fun-friendly!
Posted by: Marla | March 22, 2012 at 02:31 PM
I didn't have sex until I got married... And it's been fabulous. And full of blowjobs.
Posted by: B | March 22, 2012 at 08:48 PM
I havnt had sex since my wife passed away over 3 years ago it's the Pitts! I'm ready for a mercy bone! Lol
Posted by: Tom | April 04, 2012 at 03:31 PM
Took me time to read all the comments, but I really enjoyed the article. It proved to be Very helpful to me and I am sure to all the commenters here! It’s always nice when you can not only be informed, but also entertained!
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