Love Letters

Happy Monday.  Please note this is today's SECOND post and you should scroll down to make sure you don't miss the other one.  It's a doozy (if I do say so myself.)

Before I jump into exactly what's going on here I need to give you a little backstory.  When I was in college and it seemed like everyone was having sex like rabbits I thought that I was just like everyone else.  I thought that - until - I said something about my sex life being 'vanilla' and one of my MOST EXTREME gay friends LAUGHED OUT LOUD and said, "There is NOTHING VANILLA ABOUT YOU."

Hm.

Well I knew that I was comfortable talking about sex. And I knew that I was comfortable hearing about sex. And I knew that I was comfortable HAVING sex.  I guess I just didn't know that so many other people weren't.  But, to tell you the truth, I didn't think much about it at the time.

And then a couple of weeks ago I was contacted by a website that offers "Sexy Tips" and asked if I would guest post.  And I'm going to, and I'll link to it when I do, but the thing that I noticed most about the request was that I was told SEVERAL times that I would have to "tone it down" for their site.

And I thought, "Wow, REALLY? tone it down for a Sexy post?" because believe it or not, I think my posts are pretty vanilla.  I mean, I blog about sex, but I'm not all "HE THRUST HIS ROCK HARD... into her DRIPPING WET..." which I think would be kind of pornographic.

But then I recalled that "VANILLA" conversation from college and realized that maybe I'm not as vanilla as I think.  And then I got the letter below and decided that in addition to humor, maybe I could use my powers for good.

So here it is: LOVE LETTERS, where I take your serious love (and sex) questions and answer them seriously.  I will also ask for assistance via comments from our studio audience.  (FYI, I did contact the letter writer to see if she was comfortable with me doing this and she said yes.)  I don't know if this will be a weekly thing, a monthly thing or a daily thing, it really depends on the frequency of the letters.  But if you have a question and you'd like some advice, please send it in.  Also, if you're here for the humor and couldn't care less about the serious part, skip right along to the next post.

Dear Kit:

I can't really believe I'm writing to you since you're not really real, really - you're just some anonymous person I found on twitter with a blog but the truth is that in a lot of ways your realer than my real friends because I can't talk to them about anything real - and this isn't really making any sense, is it?

Anyway, I'm writing to you because I have a question that I'm hoping you can answer. 

My husband and I are high school sweethearts.  We live in a very small, very conservative town where everyone knows everyone else.  This is why I can't talk to my friends about this, because if I ask my friends and they tell their husbands then my husband is going to find out that I was talking about our sex life - which he considers very private.

My husband and I have a decent sex life.  It's very satisfying and the frequency is fine.  The problem is that when I want to try new things he refuses and says that those things have no place between a husband and wife.

I love my husband and enjoy our love life.  My question is do I have to live with the same thing for the rest of my life or is there a way for me to convince him to experiment and am I being unreasonable?

signed,

Tired of my One Trick Pony

Dear Tired of my One Trick Pony,

It's not unreasonable for you to want to try new things.  I'm sure your husband would get tired of eating the same thing for dinner every night - people's appetites crave variety.

On the other hand, people tend to be resistant to change.  It's possible that your husband is uncomfortable with the things you'd like to try because he's never done them before and doesn't want to appear clumsy.  It sounds like your husband is uncomfortable doing things he considers a little more adventurous with his wife.

I would start slowly - with a massage that leads back to the same old-same old so that he can see that "a little bit new" doesn't have to mean "completely unfamiliar territory."  Once you're more comfortable with this maybe you could try something new - something as crazy as leaving the lights on - or at least dimmed so that you can see each other. 

If he objects to these things you can tell him that the fact that you are HUSBAND and WIFE is precisely the reason you WANT to do these things - so that you can experience them together, and share your bodies with each other - so that you can LEARN them together.

If you start slowly, hopefully he'll see that there are benefits in it for him and he'll be more willing to adventure beyond his typical menu.

Love,

Kit

Readers, What do you think?  Am I right? Am I wrong?  What would you suggest?

Comments

[Deanna Hernandez-Arza]

Awesome advice...variety keeps things interesting

[Deanna Hernandez-Arza]

I think one trick pony should reassure her husband that their sex life is good and trying new stuff will only add to it.

[Kristin Glasbergen]

Great advice.

[Just Another Mother]

Very good advice! And for the record, I don't think you're "out there" in regards to sex. You simply talk about it, where as most people don't. Not vanilla, just a little spicy. And that's a very good thing.

[Real Dads Hangout]

I think from a man's point of view (but not this man!), many guys have trouble experimenting with certain things because they feel they are disrespecting their wife and/or the mother of their children. Some men feel certain acts/situations should not be shared with someone they love and respect.

I don't understand it because when it comes to me and my wife...it is whatever we feel at the time but I have had friends say they cannot do this or that with their wives because they respect them.

[crazycajun in texas]

Vanilla? You? I was hanging out with friends last night & found out that one of the gals has a hyper-sensitivity to the word "pussy". It was like the word caused her physical pain! So no, vanilla you ain't!

Regarding the one trick pony's question: when he says those things have no place between a husband and wife, she should ask him who she should try them with!

[LadyV]

I could BE one trick pony, and I can tell you that your advice sounds like it could work, but I have a VERY stubborn horse.

It's a good thing I stumbled on this blog during single sex week.

[Bee]

Oh poor her... I'd hate to be a one-trick-pony.

I think that it's only natural for a husband and wife to explore each other's bodies. And to want to.

I am very comfortable sexually and have experimented a little in the past, and can't honestly understand that someone wouldn't want to do something with someone they love. If you love someone enough to marry them... I'd assume you love them enough to trust them too. And assuming it's not a completely bizarre request, it's worth trying.

I know I tried something that as a youngster I'd emphatically claimed I would NEVER do... and was a rapid convert. Tell him to try... and if he still doesn't like it, well fair enough. But you should never say never...

[Deepest Dark Secrets]

One trick pony,

I agree with Kit, start slowly.

Buy some cocoa butter oil (or any kind of body oil) and take a shower, and then poor it all over yourself. Go to your bed all wet and slippery when Huz is in the bed. He will love your slippery body and won't be able to resist! Plus you will smell delicious!

If it is playful and loving he will relax into it. If you bring a giant vibrating dildo to bed and tell him to use it on you, he will freak out! Eventually you can bring in toys! For now have fun with finding playful ways! Enjoy!

[Todd 'tojosan' Jordan]

Spot on about change. Appetites change, it's part of maturing.
Bonus for starting small. Gentle touching outside the bedroom is a good way to raise the interest w/out seeming to be too out of bounds.

I'm still working towards getting my wife to blog with me. We'll be celebrating our 26th anniversary tomorrow and I feel we have a wee bit of advice and stories we could share. Pls feel free to bug her - @nanna_j. I'm @tojosan.

[Miss Ash]

Better to try variety with the one you love than to try variety elsewhere... just sayin...

[Middlin]

I've been married almost three years and we have been way, way vanilla about it. Recently my husband moved for his new job, and I had to stay behind for three months to finish out my job. I was hoping we'd talk about our sex life while apart, it took 2.5 months, but we finally started talking honestly about it.

For us it has helped to write about it (email/chat). It feels less intimidating to have time to think about what we want to say and consider our responses. It's also helped for us to talk about really out there stuff that we don't actually want to do, but are interesting in theory (ie. public sex). It is absolutely clear to both of us that we love one another, and will stay together even if we stayed vanilla.... but talking about options has been great! and we got in a lot of experimenting the last time we visited in person ;) It really didn't feel like a high pressure situation because we just wanted to have fun and see what happened from there.