Love in the Time of Children

Our nightly routine goes something like this:

Eat dinner anytime between 5 and 6:30.
7pm bring the kids upstairs for baths.
7-8pm Utter Chaos
8pm lights out.
8-8:45 retuck a number of different children for a variety of different reasons
8:45 Either my husband or I completely lose our shit and scream, "The next one who gets out of bed is not watching TV for a month!"
9pm all children in bed, mostly asleep.

Last night at 8:00 I kissed my daughters and walked into my bedroom where my husband was sitting on the edge of my side of the bed looking at me expectantly.

I rolled my eyes.  "What?" I asked.

"Nuttin'," he answered. He opened his arms for a hug.

I stepped in.  He kissed me - THAT WAY.  I pulled away.

"What Nuttin?" I asked.

"Nuttin'" he said pulling me back.

"What about them?" I asked.

"You know I only plan 7 or 8 inches ahead." he said.

I rolled my eyes again. "Great." I said getting naked, while he moved the nightstand in front of the door.

I should mention that my husband recently had shoulder surgery so sex has never been so acrobatic.  It's not that his shoulder is suddenly healed and we can do things we've never done before, it's quite the opposite.  Since he can't handle missionary anymore we have to try OTHER POSITIONS and let me tell you I HAD NO IDEA THERE WERE SO MANY!  And let me further tell you, THEY'RE FANTASTIC.

On top of that, there is nothing like narcotics to slow down your husband's "culmination."  Trust me, you'd be breaking into drug stores for Oxycontin if you knew what this stuff could do.  It's better than Viagra.

Last night I finished, finished again, napped, woke up, finished twice more and he was still "giving it the old college try" if you know what I mean.  In fact, I was on the verge of calling an injury time out when we both heard the *creak* of my daughters' bedroom door.  And have to say, I haven't seen my husband move so quickly in YEARS.  He was up and running naked across our bedroom yelling, "go back to bed, go back to bed, go back to bed" for all he was worth.

And there I was, scrambling to put on my pants while my 4 year old twisted the door knob to our room and banged the door into the nightstand 5 or 6 times, not understanding why it wasn't opening and crying, "But Daddy!" over and over while he was scrambling to get dressed, obviously "unfulfilled."

Finally my daughter cried out "Fine" and went back to her room, leaving us breathless from the first activity and more so from the scrambling to get dressed and EVEN MORE SO from the panic of our daughter potentially catching us.  I looked at my husband and said, "I'm sorry, I'm done.  There's lotion in the shower."

He just nodded and walked into the bathroom.

Comments

[Jess]

LOL!!! At least yall thought enough to block the door. Nice.

[Amy Mayfield]

For the longest time my hubs would ONLY have sex if our daughter wasn't even in the house-like spending the night at my parents.
I keep trying to tell him, if we let her play the Wii we'd have at least a good hour before she even thought to look for us.

[Jo]

I'm not married and don't have kids, but feel I must congratulate you on epic sexcapdes. Seriously. I kind of feel like I'm doing something really wrong.

Maybe marriage and the endless threat of children wandering through the door at the crucial moment is the key??

[Wendyly]

I'm all OCD about making sure the door is locked, but really, we have more of a problem with cats interrupting than kids. One of my cats loves me so much that no one else is allowed near me. There's always a risk of dangerous claws.

[Sarah Baron]

Hilarious and all too familiar! I've got to hand it to you two that you have so much fun alone. Yes, having the kids walk in ain't so much fun. Just wait until they grow up. Now mine are awake until 10:30 or 11. Any ideas what to do then?

[Tricia]

Oh, been there done that (more then once I believe). I can honestly picture the look on my husbands face when he hears a child coming; it's pure panic haha

[Amy]

Oh do I have stories! There have been a couple of times that I thought he locked the door, and he thought I locked the door. NO ONE LOCKED THE DOOR!! The only thing we had going for us is that it was dark and the kid was not completely awake, so we were able to salvage our dignity and their innocence. When our middle son was 3 we were um in the middle, I happened to be on top, fortunately I had a top on and there were blankets around us, because he walked in half asleep and just crawled into our bed and went back to sleep. We just froze in time. Neither one of us could move. After what seemed like an hour, we re-gained our senses and slithered out of bed, got dressed, put him back in bed and chose to never re-live that moment. I'm not even sure he ever noticed us, thank God!

[Bree]

married sex is test driving hubby new truck and taking advantage on getting it stuck in a mud hole we never should have been anywhere near. having my cell go off a million times while the 16 yr old frantically called to find out why our ride round the block was taking so long!!!

[Superwomanquest]

I think my kids have some kind of Mom-&-Dad-are-having-sex radar. I swear the kids can be watching TV, playing outside, asleep whatever and we will not have heard a peep from them and as soon as we are in the middle of having sex, a kid knocks on the door.

[Miracle Pending]

LOL at the narcotics. DH was on vicodin for a wisdom tooth and the same thing happened.

[designHER Momma]

I thought sneaking around and trying to hid from my parents was tricky - then I had kids. Now I spend my nights having to sneak around from them too! Great post!

[thenextmartha]

We're so neurotic that we wait until they're asleep for at least an hour. After that many times we are sleeping to. Sigh.

[Not a stranger to coitus interruptus]

Having been married for close on 26 years I have stories like this aplenty.
It gets better when they make the transition to not need you and you make the transition to realize THEY KNOW you're having sex.

They stop knocking on your door one day and then bam!, they're ignoring you while you 'take a nap together'. I'm not sure when that happened exactly, but it works for me.

Locking that dang door though gives you peace of mind even if you will be interrupted. These days we often don't worry about locking it unless our 20 yr old is upstairs moving around. Heck, sometimes we even get into it before we realize the door is open some nights.

Never thought of moving something in front of the door though. Ha.

Cheers and may the sex be great.

[Superjules]

You paint a VIVID picture!

[Alysha @ The Tarr Pit]

wow. I have no idea what you or your husband look like but i totally just pictured that like a movie but instead with my husband and i about 5 years down the road. Maybe you think its bad but i kind of picture that as exciting. Maybe having to do it in a rush and wondering if children will walk in will make our love lives a little more interesting. ;)

[Dani_Zaz]

My hubs and I got quite a laugh from this post. I agree with other readers that the picture was totally vivid. We are thankful for the lock we have on a bedroom door because when our monkey is in a big boy bed, this could be us.

[KLZ]

Oh, I'm so glad I stumbled into this.

[KYouell]

Our door doesn't have a lock, so we are stuck with threats of a timeout yelled thru the door and the tiny nightstand/table in front of the big wood door. Let's suffice it to say that Mama likes quickies (that should be a blog title) and Daddy is learning that Mama is right.